Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm Rosie, in my 60s, struggling to cope with my autistic partner's behaviour which is getting worse and worse. There's lots of information out there about how to handle children, but almost nothing about adults. But autism doesn't stop when someone grows up, does it.
My partner is also seriously disabled by a painful skeletal condition. And it's thought he had a bleed-on-the-brain (stroke) some years back too, which has damaged his memory, and there are lots of things he can't now remember - he just insists they never happened.
He has big problems in controlling his anger, which is expressed through violent behaviour. He's had to take early retirement and is very angry about this, and every day now is very difficult. Nothing I say or do seems to make any difference. He often lays into me verbally, too, blaming me for everything he sees as wrong.
This adds up to a load of problems for me, and I get frightened. I'm having to handle this alone. He doesn't have any friends, and doesn't want any. We have no children. So I am all there is - and I catch for everything.
Unfortunately he insists he is in 100% perfect health, he claims there is nothing wrong at all and I am making it all up.
I have looked after him for over 30 years and have stuck by him, believing I'd be able to help and make his life a little easier. Because I've been his helper & carer I am financially tied into this arrangement, and it's extremely difficult to make changes at this age, without finding myself living on the street.
Please suggest how I can handle his constant angry and hurtful outbursts which are causing me to weep. How can I calm him down. How can I get him to engage with e.g. counselling? (He won't talk and won't attend, he just refuses.) What strategies are there to cope with challenging autistic behaviour in a male adult.
I need a plan!!!
Thank you for your kindness. Please help me work out what to do.
Rosie x
I think you should get help from a psychologist. I think that an adult's illness is more difficult to solve than a child's!
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Thank you for responding. What kind of psychologist would I need, to help my autistic partner? What would their job title be and how do you find them? And how do I deal with the fact that my partner refuses to see anybody?
Rosie
I would talk to my GP in the first instance. Would the bleed on the brain cause the mood changes? There could be a hidden health issue. Depression from losing his job, illness etc could also cause out bursts. But even if its none of the above the GP can point you in the right direction. Choose the best GP you have at your surgery. I waited 2 weeks just to see this one GP that has her head screwed on about ASD. The other GP's Ive taken my son to dont know very much about ASD at all
Hi Mouse. You're right that there are more problems here than autism. Yes a stroke can cause wild mood swings, and enforced retirement is a horrid and depressing thing. I'm also told that a stroke can magnify existing difficulties e.g. make the degree of autism worse, so that outbursts are even stronger than usual.
I totally agree that it's vital to find a medical practitioner who has their head screwed on about ASD. Many GPs haven't a clue, have they. However I think it's very hard to understand autism unless you've experienced it first-hand. You can't learn about it from text books, can you.
I will do some research and see if I can find someone who does understand what is happening here. Thank you. x