How to handle challenging autistic behaviour in an adult (retirement age)

Hi Plastic, I'm grateful for your direct approach, I realise now that I do need a kick and a new way of doing things.

I agree that frustration is a major cause of my partner's anger, and I truly understand and sympathise with his difficult position - my problem is that he's directing all this heat and anger at little me, in private.

I like your idea of talking to him as if it's a business meeting, matter-of-fact, and I will certainly try this and report back.

I do my level best to keep him occupied, and I try to provide everything he asks for and shows interest in. He was a University lecturer, a really clever guy. He loves numbers, he finds them 'safe' (which the world is not). I've managed to get him to try to write a Maths text book, and it's proving a useful way of distracting and absorbing him for hours on end.

Yes, 60 is still young, and I'm hoping to live to at least 80. But I have to restore some peace for myself, I don't have the ability to continue with these turbulent days and nights, nobody could.

Enjoy your boats and your Lego! What wonderful pursuits.

Rosie

Hi Mouse. You're right that there are more problems here than autism. Yes a stroke can cause wild mood swings, and enforced retirement is a horrid and depressing thing. I'm also told that a stroke can magnify existing difficulties e.g. make the degree of autism worse, so that outbursts are even stronger than usual.

I totally agree that it's vital to find a medical practitioner who has their head screwed on about ASD. Many GPs haven't a clue, have they. However I think it's very hard to understand autism unless you've experienced it first-hand. You can't learn about it from text books, can you. 

I will do some research and see if I can find someone who does understand what is happening here. Thank you. x

I would talk to my GP in the first instance. Would the bleed on the brain cause the mood changes? There could be a hidden health issue. Depression from losing his job, illness etc could also cause out bursts. But even if its none of the above the GP can point you in the right direction. Choose the best GP you have at your surgery. I waited 2 weeks just to see this one GP that has her head screwed on about ASD. The other GP's Ive taken my son to dont know very much about ASD at all

Hi Rosie - You're welcome. 

By the way, what hobbies does he have to entertain himself?     Getting him into something rewarding might brighten up his mood - I build large model boats and I have an extensive Lego collection (I'm in my 50s).

His anger may be based in a lot of frustration about his own situation.     Finding a hobby that creates something which requires concentration, knowledge and skill might re-direct his energy into a more positive frame of mind.

Being in your 60s is considered young these days - most of the people I attend day time coffee meets are 60+ so don't waste these valuable years being a slave to a monster.   

If you are talking to him, he's likely to become defensive because we process conversations slightly slower and adding emotions confuse it further - talk to him like it's a business meeting - an exchange of dry information with simple statements like "I'm going to this event later - you're welcome to come to but I understand if you'd rather stay here - just let me know" type of thing - it gives him the option to pull out of the social event - but it puts the decision into his hands - so it's his fault if he doesn't like it.     Sort of 'working to rule' as in the old days.   

Make sure you get the life you need.

Hi Plastic, I'm grateful to you for writing.

Thank you for saying I need to look after my own well-being, I needed to hear that. Right now I spend my time handling my partner's explosions,getting upset about what he says, appeasing him so he won't blow up, and trying to keep the world from seeing what's happening. It's very hard. People often avoid you if they realise there's a difficult situation, and a lot of my former friends have disappeared - it's nothing to do with me, I'm seen as a nice person which I hope I am, but it is very upsetting.

As I understand it, there's no medication can be given to improve things, and there's no 'cure' for autism, it just has to be managed. I do go out of the house and chat with neighbours, and I try every day to get us both out - e.g. gentle shopping, or to a Country Park for a short walk, or to visit a new place. However my partner nastily says I always choose what we do - but he never initiates anything himself, and won't make suggestions when asked, so I'm really not at fault here.

I am worried about leaving him in the house alone because he threatens all the time to 'go away' - just anywhere, regardless - but he has nowhere to go, and I'd obviously have to call the Police to find him if he disappears, and that surely isn't ideal. More stress for me. So we usually do things together, which he also dislikes. He sees it as 'controlling', not helping. It's really sad. How could I deal with this better, so it's safer for everyone?

Phew! I'm exhausted. But I do need to find some ways to make my own life more enjoyable, don't I. I will have a big think.

Thank you for being there, it really helps.

Rosie x

Hi Rosie

Sorry to hear about your problems.

As Graham has said, autism doesn't get worse as we age but our ability to mask/cover it up gets harder as it requires so much energy.   

NAS64525 said:

When we do talk to other people he presents himself as calm and lovely (honestly). Then when we're back inside the home, and the door is shut, off he goes again. It's very distressing for me.

The very early programming we get as a child to behave and not be a nuisance means we are compelled to behave ourselves and be on 'best behaviour' when with company - it's deeply rooted so we automatically switch it on but we can't sustain it - so unfortunately, you're on the receiving end when you get home.

The fact he has no memory or ability to measure his behaviour means he feels no regrets about anything he says or does - that means he's unlikely to accept any help or see any need to change.  

If you have come to the conclusion that you're going to stay, I suggest you start to look after your own well-being and create a more rewarding life for yourself so the negative parts of your life are smaller - start to make external friends and develop some pass-times that get you out of the house a bit more.

Please go to your gp and talk it over with them - I'm surprised they haven't put any kind of care package together considering his stroke and health problems - you need support and maybe some respite care to give you a chance of self-care.

There's a website called meetup.com where people set up social events - have a look at events in your area - I go to local coffee mornings, pub nights, lunches etc. just to get out of the house and see new faces.

There's also likely to be a local facebook page where people arrange social stuff - start to make some changes.

Hello Graham, thank you for your kind words.

My partner's behaviour has worsened tremendously since the stroke -  he refuses to accept or believe that anything happened to him, because he doesn't remember it - I think this is quite common. He has a very, very short fuse now which blows very easily. He gets confused. He can only converse for a short time before having to stop, because he's feeling overwhelmed. He refuses to communicate a lot of the time and won't discuss anything he doesn't want to talk about, especially 'difficult' things and his unacceptable behaviour. So it's extremely hard to make any forward progress.

When we do talk to other people he presents himself as calm and lovely (honestly). Then when we're back inside the home, and the door is shut, off he goes again. It's very distressing for me.

He says that he and I are living in totally different worlds and realities - which is probably true, since I remember everything and my brain is working well, it always has.

If I removed myself, it wouldn't make him miss me, not at all. He would be very happy for me to disappear and stop 'looking after' him, he resents it, he resents the assistance, he says he wants to Be Alone, away from people and the world forever - which you can't actually do, can you. You have to live somewhere and have the means to do it. However our lack of finances prevent me from just dividing everything up and leading separate lives. There's no debt, but there isn't enough money. I have worked extremely hard to provide a stable safe environment which I look after for the two of us, and I don't wish to damage my own life by leaving this for a very uncertain future. But I can't, and won't, push him out, because I believe that would be unkind and wrong, since he has such terrible problems.

I don't have anyone to stay with, sadly my own life has become more and more narrow over the years because my partner doesn't like people and won't socialise. So I have to do things online.

There definitely needs to be more support for older people. Perhaps we can start something!

I will follow up your suggestions, bless you.

Rosie

Thank you for responding. What kind of psychologist would I need, to help my autistic partner? What would their job title be and how do you find them? And how do I deal with the fact that my partner refuses to see anybody?

Rosie

This is spam. I have reported it is abusive.

Hello Rosie, I’m very sorry to read about your struggles with your husband’s anger and violent behaviour.

Has his behaviour worsened since his stroke? Sometimes a stroke can result in a change of character. He appears to be using you as lightening rod for all his frustrations.

I am also in my 60s and it is true that there is no support for older autistic people. The little research there is into older autistic people does suggest the condition is regressive. I was only diagnosed last year, so I don’t know if my problems are a result of a ‘coming out’ process or due to regression.

Autism is no excuse for abusive behaviour. Your husband’s stroke may explain it, but his refusal to concede that his behaviour is unacceptable appears to be the main point that needs addressing.

Have you spoken to your GP about this situation? I think you should start putting your own health first. Do you have any friends or family with whom you could stay for a short while? This may concentrate your husband’s mind on the fact that he is far worse off without you, than you without him.

There is a twitter tag #AutisticElders where people can post their questions concerning older autistic people. I’ve just started posting on twitter - it’s easy to pick up how. This way you may be offered some helpful advice from someone in a similar situation.

Sorry I’m not able to offer more practical advice. You are to be congratulated for reaching out.

All the best, Graham.

I think you should get help from a psychologist. I think that an adult's illness is more difficult to solve than a child's!

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