Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My daughter is on the wait list to see CAMHS as a counsellor suggested she might be have ASD, (high functioning.) She is finding school increasingly difficult particularly friendships (she says she has no- one to play with.) Its really hard to find anyone who will come to play, and even when we do find some-one then she is never invited back to their house. Also maths is hard (she is below the expected standard.) I am really concerned as she says she is dumb, stupid and other such words. She is in tears so often saying she hates school and we have had to stop lots of her outside activities because she comes home very argumentative and aggressive so I think she needs more down time. I am constantly reassuring her and have spoken to the teachers a lot about this which has been going on for over a year. The teacher at the last parents evening said let wait and see..... I then spoke to the special needs teacher who agreed to get more advice from an advisory school but this hasnt happened neither has the ELSA she was promised. I am just wondering when you say enough is enough? I don't want to look for a new school, there are none nearby that are any better than where she is but I do worry about the on-going battle she is having and the effect it is having on her mental well-being.
I would be grateful for any advice.
Thanks
M
Hi Maaya,
I always hated break times and lunch times at school; I found them a pointless interruption to my work and they also served to highlight the fact that I didn't have any friends. I longed for the school to let me stay inside at break times and sit quietly on my own doing something that was of interest to me, or better yet to clean, tidy and generally be helpful to the teacher. I know staff need a break, but could the school arrange for a teaching assistant or someone to supervise her from a distance? I'm guessing she's no trouble when left to her own devices, it would be more to meet the school's health and safety regulations and duty of care responsibilities etc. that an adult be present, but that adult could be doing marking, lesson prep or whatever. Or could she stay behind after lessons to help tidy up the classroom (maybe be a 'Classroom Monitor'?) or help put books away in the school library (as a 'Library Assistant')? She will probably find quiet, repetitive, organising-type tasks really soothing. It might not be possible every break time, or every day, but if there are regular opportunities for down time for her throughout the day/week, then her behaviour at home may be less reactive. Also, I don't know if you have any pets, but she may find a pet quite soothing to come home to, and help her decompress in a healthier way.
There is a lot of social pressure and expectation to conform, and it's only now I'm in my late thirties that I'm realising I don't really need or value peer-relationships (aka 'friends') in the traditional sense. I don't for a minute expect your seven year old to understand that, but it might help if you can start finding ways for her to feel less left out by helping her feel comfortable and content in her own company, perhaps by giving her jobs/roles that she will enjoy and she can complete on her own such as those suggested above. Are there any support groups in your area for parents and kids with ASD? It might also help your daughter to meet other kids her age who have similar limitations so she gets a sense of belonging from somewhere and realises she's not the only one who doesn't have any friends (and she may very well make some friends at those kind of groups).
Sorry that's a bit of ramble, but I hope some of it is of help.
Nessie