7 year old girl in year 3 finding school very difficult

Hi

Thanks for taking the time to respond, the school have finally started ELSA and have noticed that makes comments that upsets the other girls in her class.  So on a blue non uniform day she said, "you're not wearing blue" and "those are just stick on earings they are not real."  which, whilst true probably wasn't appreciated!  Apparently she has to ask to play with people but no-one will play with her otherwise.  It breaks my heart because I was very similar to her at her age.  I am a similar age to you and was diagnosed at 41, so good luck with the diagnosis. 

Have started doing some very basic maths with her (year 1) which is so unlike what she is doing in school, because she is so far behind, that she doesn't mind!  

Can anyone recommend any books that can help her with social skills?  I've heard of the curly hair books but not sure if the social one is 7 year old friendly?

Maaya

Hi maaya

We have soon-to-be 8 year old non ID twins girls one of whom is awaiting assessment for ASD. She is also tearful from school, complains about not having friends, calls herself dumb. He sister is sharp as a razor, gets things straight away, is exceptional at school and we see them branching away from each other academically which is hard to manage.

ASD twin loves being the teacher’s helper and has also recently been allocated a pupil mediator (a girl in year six who helps her sort out friendship issues). These two ideas might be something to explore with your daughter’s school.

I am the girls’ 48 y/o mum awaiting my own formal ASD diagnosis. When I was a kid I can tell you I was really highly strung trying to maintain friendships and much preferred the 1:1 adult interactions I got rather than playtime activities.

I struggled with maths even though I love the logic of it and rules upon which maths is based. I just couldn’t keep up with the pace that it was taught at and needed to go over and over it for it to ‘go in’.

How about using those maths activity books? My ASD daughter loves it when we do maths practice with her and loves the activity books too.

Best wishes

If your school is not giving her the proper support, I suggest you escalate this to whoever supervises the local school. Once the election is done, you may want to get your MP involved.

Thanks for the replies really appreciate the comments, at least i feel like some one has listened!  I really wish she didnt want friends but she does she just wants to be the same as everyone else despite what I say!  I wish we had an alternative school that was suitable in our area but there isnt.  I am considering home schooling if things don't improve .  I think that an asd group may help but she doesnt have a diagnosis.  A hobby is a great plan  but finding her thing hasnt yet happened..

Thanks again

Thanks for the replies really appreciate the comments, at least i feel like some one has listened!  I really wish she didnt want friends but she does she just wants to be the same as everyone else despite what I say!  I wish we had an alternative school that was suitable in our area but there isnt.  I am considering home schooling if things don't improve .  I think that an asd group may help but she doesnt have a diagnosis.  A hobby is a great plan  but finding her thing hasnt yet happened..

Thanks again

We saw a big change in our daughter when she went into year 3. She became more upset and very anxious. By the time she was in year 4 she came home crying most days. She also struggles with friends and we’ve come to realise now she is 10 (year 5) that she doesn’t understand what a friend is or consists of. The school was not very helpful and by the feb half term (year 4) we moved her to a new school ( from a 600 + pupil count to 150+). She now gets a one to one support session once a week to help her gain confidence in mixing with other children in the class. Although she won’t admit she is finding it better at this school.  I feel it is better for her with the support and being a lot more understanding with her struggles.

Hi Maaya,

I always hated break times and lunch times at school; I found them a pointless interruption to my work and they also served to highlight the fact that I didn't have any friends. I longed for the school to let me stay inside at break times and sit quietly on my own doing something that was of interest to me, or better yet to clean, tidy and generally be helpful to the teacher. I know staff need a break, but could the school arrange for a teaching assistant or someone to supervise her from a distance? I'm guessing she's no trouble when left to her own devices, it would be more to meet the school's health and safety regulations and duty of care responsibilities etc. that an adult be present, but that adult could be doing marking, lesson prep or whatever. Or could she stay behind after lessons to help tidy up the classroom (maybe be a 'Classroom Monitor'?) or help put books away in the school library (as a 'Library Assistant')? She will probably find quiet, repetitive, organising-type tasks really soothing. It might not be possible every break time, or every day, but if there are regular opportunities for down time for her throughout the day/week, then her behaviour at home may be less reactive. Also, I don't know if you have any pets, but she may find a pet quite soothing to come home to, and help her decompress in a healthier way.

There is a lot of social pressure and expectation to conform, and it's only now I'm in my late thirties that I'm realising I don't really need or value peer-relationships (aka 'friends') in the traditional sense. I don't for a minute expect your seven year old to understand that, but it might help if you can start finding ways for her to feel less left out by helping her feel comfortable and content in her own company, perhaps by giving her jobs/roles that she will enjoy and she can complete on her own such as those suggested above. Are there any support groups in your area for parents and kids with ASD? It might also help your daughter to meet other kids her age who have similar limitations so she gets a sense of belonging from somewhere and realises she's not the only one who doesn't have any friends (and she may very well make some friends at those kind of groups).

Sorry that's a bit of ramble, but I hope some of it is of help.

Nessie

This might sound like stupid advice to some, but does she really need people to play with? I'm not saying that to be mean, I say because I think people put way too much emphasis on making friends, to the detriment of those who struggle with it. Giving in only makes the problem worse, we need to find another way. We're not living in the wilderness anymore - we don't really need anyone but ourselves (we can choose to get along with other people or not), and relying on others to validate our own existence will never end well no matter how much of a social butterfly you are. The only reason you need friends in school is to defend against groups of bullies, which you shouldn't need to do in the first place so it's invalid.

Not to be condescending, that's just my opinion. I would suggest (at least while you try to get this sorted out) to encourage her to find some hobby, something she's interested in which doesn't require other people. That's what got me by every day since I was about her age (I started programming when I was 7) - I've always been interested in computers and I never needed anyone else to help me with that.

I turned out okay as an adult, despite having no lasting friendships in school - I never feel lonely, I've been in multiple relationships, and I'm apparently charismatic despite looking like Manson on a budget - which means my social skills must be fine too. I even empathise with people, which is probably the main reason people fear isolation (because they think they'll grow up with no empathy).