Published on 12, July, 2020
No doubt this is a common issue among many of you, but I am needing some advice or guidance.
My 12-year old son is becoming more verbally aggressive and threatening, in particular to my wife (not his biological mother- she hasn't seen him for 3-years)
I have CAHMS involved and he has a support worker, but as you may be aware these organisations are low in resource, so it is a challenge to get things done quickly.
He has an episode this evening and the concerns are centred around his threats 'to stab you all' and 'kill you all with a knife' and also he wanted to kill himself as 'I've had enough and it's the end of my world'
As you can appreciate these are concerning words and whilst it may not be an immediate threat, the warning signs are growing louder. My wife says we need to get someone sufficiently trained within the police to speak to him to highlight the consequences of his behaviours, which may be beneficial, but from a long-term treatment perspective, what advice can you provide, if any?
I have done my own research and spoken to parents locally with Autistic children and it seems this is not a unique situation, but the safety of him and the rest of the family is essential here.
Sorry you're having a tough time with your son.
Do you know what's going on for him at school? He's at the age where he's probably noticing that things are changing all around him socially and the hormones of puberty are throwing a load of unhelpful feelings into the mix too. He may be getting lost & confused with the rapidly changing routine of growing up.
Does he have any close friends? You might be seeing a side-effect of him realising he's different and so he's developing a very strong/aggressive persona to protect himself from bullying or being forced to do things he doesn't want to. The more this works for him, the more you will be on the receiving end of it.
If he's realising he's different or getting frustrated with the school environment, the stress of pretending to perform all day means he's likely to be coming home feeling burned out and angry and that his world is getting out of his control and out of his comfort zone so his behaviour may be him trying (in a very blunt way) to assert control over his environment - his words are probably a lot more aggressive than he probably means them to be - but without any other way of expressing his stress, it's all he's got. He might find the results of his actions satisfying because they get the desired result - control - everyone is becoming scared of him so he becomes powerful - this can lead to an escalation of his behaviours as he tries to find the extent of his power.
Does he have any hobbies or passions? - anything where he's able to function at zero stress? Indulging him in a day of zero stress may be your best opportunity to chat and explain to him that his behaviour is becoming unacceptable - and that if the police become involved, things may not go the way he would like - and that you understand his frustrations and the need to vent his anger - but threatening people will end badly for him if you are forced to protect yourselves. He needs to understand that he has to find a more practical way to express himself.
Your wife is right - you might need someone external to the family to explain the facts of where things could go if he carries on threatening people.
Do you think he would understand someone speaking bluntly to him?