Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I was just wondering if there was anyone else in my position, its all getting on top of me a bit at the moment and I could really do with a chat.
I support my Adult son (22) with his business, he tried full time work but couldn't cope so 3 years ago we started his business as a photographer and digital artist, he sells products with his artwork on, its going ok but he's getting very frustrated that its not going as well as he wants (he wants to be a millionaire). He drives , has a relatively good social life, but more often than not he ends up running off from his friends, getting drunk to try and combat how his Asperger's is making him feel or going back to sit in the car and driving his friends to and from the venue. it make me very sad.
I'm at home full time with him, helping him with his business, but its really getting on top of me, its just constant, I'm either book keeper, business support or mum 24/7, but I'm very aware that if I wasn't here, he would be a proper mess and I can't let that happen. I also have M.S and a few other physical problems which I manage very well and am able to physically keep up but mentally I'm starting to flag.
I also live right next door to my mother in law, who although on the whole is ok, I have to entertain her anything up to 6 times a day because she's bored and wants a chat and thinks our son should have a proper job and is very negative about what he does. His sister thinks his a pain in the A## and my hubby is working loads so doesn't get how draining my day here can be. something has to give and I'm worried it'll be my temper, I'm already snapping and that helps no one and isn't like me at all.
This sounds very harsh, and I'm just venting, but I don't want to answer the same question 20 times in a row, I don't want to have to ocupie my mother in law, I don't want anyone to need me all day everyday. and the reality that this will never end is really getting to me.
Thanks for listening
BC
Barnaby Crumble said:he's getting very frustrated that its not going as well as he wants (he wants to be a millionaire).
Ah, the naive expectations of youth - but I remember being that age too.
Have you sat down with him to work ot a business plan on how he can grow the business? To scale it up he will need partners an staff so will need to learn loads of skills.
If he is anything like I was he will try to avoid the bits he doesn't like and get you to do them - it would be sensible to make him do everything on a rota so he has to learn or it will not get done.
It will put him under loads more stress, but for the business to exist he has to be able to manage this - point out that this is part of his route to being a millionaire. Try stepping back and if you need to, play the medical card. Tell him he has to be able to run it on his own as you won't always be able to help in future.
As for the socialising issues with his mates - I think this is just him finding his autism is blocking him from being the same as his mates. It would be useful to learn more about how this stresses him and he needs to find ways to live with simply being different and maybe not going to every event with them for the sake of his own wellbeing.
You will need to give some tough love in the route ahead, including to the MIL to either get her to help or back off. Your own health should be getting higher on your priority list so they need to respect that.
Expect some anger and dissapointment but ultimately you need to help him help himself.
If there are any specifics you want help with then let us know more detail around them and we will do our best to support you.
I can understand how overwhelming and challenging it can be to support your adult son with his business while dealing with your own physical and mental health concerns. It's important to acknowledge your own needs and find some balance in this situation.
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To me this seems to be about personal boundaries, both making and maintaining them. I would probably want to make gradual changes rather than run the risk of causing any sudden, destabilising reastions but that might be just me being very conflict-avoidant.
Could you talk to your son about the business support services you're giving and maybe explain about the difficulties, how much time you can realistically offer, and where the limitations might be? 24/7 would be a no-no but an honest conversation about expectations and a reasonable way forward night help to head off any frayed nerves or loss of temper.
MIL: maybe a similar conversation, explaining that you are more of a business partner to your son and therefore unavailable during certain hours? It's all going well, thank her for her interest, but we've been talking about the business and future plans and we need to be more business-like in approach. Office hours?Yourself: As Plastic suggests, maybe something outside the home that helps to reinforce your personal boundaries. You make changes (at your preferred pace), they then adjust?
Best of luck.
They've all got used to you and are not considering you at all. Disappear for a day at a spa - leave them all to it. Let them miss you to show them what you're having to do. Make yourself less available to everyone and let them all crash & burn or pull their fingers out. It's not your fault and it's not your problem.
When they respect you, help them out to the best of YOUR ability - look after yourself first.