Published on 12, July, 2020
Can anyone relate to being married to a guy with Aspergers and feeling like his carer? Feel so lonely in our relationship and unless we do what motivates him or talk about his hobbies we literally don’t talk or spend time together. Don’t want to use this forum to moan as he really is a kind hearted guy but I just feel so unimportant, forgotten and alone.
yes i can relate to the way you describe you are feeling . It is lonely and feels very one - sided and all about my husbands needs. I don't wish to moan either but would like to understand more about the way he feels. It would also help to have another Carer to chat over ideas for self worth with.
Is your husband here to speak for himself? Does he agree that it is all about him. That he needs care and being cared for? There are a lot of autistic people who feel it is all about the NT partners demands and denial and invalidation of autistic needs and contribution. Many autistic people say they work hard and show their love and do everything they can to care for their family members but somehow it is never enough and never acknowledged.
This is the double empathy problem. https://network.autism.org.uk/knowledge/insight-opinion/double-empathy-problem
It is essential in my view to understand the dynamic of relationship and work on it.
All relationships are about caring, taking care and supporting one's spouse, there is nothing unusual in that.
All relationships require work from both sides. They require both sides reaching to each-other, learning each-other's way to express love, each-other's language. One need to acknowledge and connect to the signal and messages that are there, expressed in the aspie way in this case, just as you expect him to receive your NT messages. Of course one need to connect with individuals as they are, talking about topics of interest to them, one have to search and keep the common ground. It is counterproductive to expect aspies to function in the relationship on NT terms, expecting them to go all the way to bridge the double empathy gap. It would create extremely stressful toxic atmosphere i the relationship. This is not really sustainable and in fact is not consistent with the ethic of a relationship as a safe equal partnership of unconditional acceptance and love.
NT family members have 'cultural representations' about autism otherwise known as stereotypes, which are demonstrated to be an unhelpful barrier to true communication.
Brett Heasman (LSE) discusses his recent study https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSMF_3f0Q0c&feature=youtu.be
"Perspective-taking is two-sided: misunderstandings between people with Asperger's syndrome and their family members". Stereotypes about autism get in the way of mutual understanding
thank you for your reply and advice. I will take on board and keep reading and listening. Must have had a bad day when I posted on here, My health has not been great and was reaching out.