Published on 12, July, 2020
My adult son continues to live what seems, from the outside, to be a life devoid of most of the preoccupations and activities of his peer group. Alone, withdrawn, spending 99% of his time in his room, uncommunicative, avoidant (of everything, no courses, jobs, classes, volunteering, relationships...), mucky and unwilling to engage either with services or ourselves as parents.
It seems akin to a hikikomori state, with self neglect thrown in. But all I can find about this kind of withdrawal is descriptions, no advice on finding a way through.
In the past services have been involved, including crisis and early intervention teams. None of their therapies or meds helped - in fact they only made him withdraw still further - and they eventually just discharged him on the basis that he's not mentally ill but rather has a condition, that condition being Asperger's.
As the years go by, I losing hope. My superficial reaction is, "Where has my son gone?" However, I know he's still there. We just can't reach him. This has been going on since he was 17 and he's now 24. I don't feel as though i've known him as an adult. And he avoids most conversations which are limited to brief exchanges about food.
What on earth can parents do? This is breaking us. Does it just go on for ever?
Hi, I’ve been watching a very similar problem with one of my wife's friends, she lives a few doors from us. Her son is now 21 and hasn’t really been out of his bedroom since he was 16. He doesn’t dress and rarely washes, his mother changes his bed sheets as he won’t and actually has sores. All he will do is play online games. He did well at school but since then nothing. He would come to us sometimes after school for dinner, I noticed that he was different, if any food items touched he would sit at the table crying, he has food intolerances and only eats a few things, mainly pizza. He speaks in a very monotone voice and has no friends. Obviously I’m not able to diagnose anyone but I really see that he’s autistic. I’ve never said anything as I know his father would come round with his fists for even suggesting such a thing. It’s such a shame his skin is terrible as he gets no sun or vitamins. The sad thing is that I don’t see things ever changing.
Yes, it really sounds as though he's autistic but also as though there may well be a great deal of trauma and/or rejection in the background, such that gaming and staying in his room feels much safer. A reliable, familiar, stress-free zone. I wish I could find resources that help with hygiene. Obviously there's a fair bit out there on sensory sensitivies and adapting things to support (e.g. lowering the lighting in the bathroom, having the shower adjusted so's it's not too forceful, avoidng heavily perfumed products etc etc, always in line with what the person needs and requests) but once this approach has been exhausted, I simply don't know what to do. There is also the probability that, the higher stress levels become, the further down the priority list hygiene will be pushed, but if stress levels remain high in spite of everything, it's hard to see a way through. And, of course, resorting to nudging them about it may well heighten the anxiety.I can only assume that things are worsened without any acknowledgement or awareness of possible neurodivergence and such a hostile attitude from the father. :(