9 year old son, masks at school explodes at home

np. i feel like this site regularly posts super old threads as tempts to start discussions. i think that seems.......................................... the word is inane. why dredge up old threads? jeezus. yes, found your post helpful. i would say ---- that when i have melts, i don't HAVE to have them. i view it as simply better if i am freely able to choose to have one, or not. i think they relieve anxiety and can be helpful.

best of luck stilllearning!

Ha! I totally didn't notice that, feel a bit silly now as OP has probably long moved on. I am loving this forum but not used to how the platform works yet. But glad that you found this helpful raspberrypie

wow - seems like solid advice, afaict. i've never had kids, but your post is helpful to me as an adult.... except my 'parent' is my therapist and i'm free to have melts in therapy....

one question: the OP was two years ago, and their only activity that i see was that post. how do these old posts get dredged back up? from my experience on this site, really old, long forgotten posts seem to be prominently featured on various pages - --- that seems pretty or really weird.

anyone else notice this?

Hi, disclosure first I am a parent of an ASD child and NOT an expert, i simply have spent a lot of time researching to try and equip myself.

Please, as quickly as you can look into autistic burnout and ask members on here to tell you of their experiences. I am a parent of a much older teenager and if I had had this knowledge years ago it would have helped me enormously. In particular look for accounts and articles written by autists, who can describe the experience more eloquently than anyone else. There are also a number of early research programmes taking place so a growing number of academic articles and interviews with professionals. The school will almost definitely not have heard of it and they'll still be struggling to get their head around masking. It is likely, if your son finds school difficult, that he may already be burned out or be on his way there, or may have had multiple burnouts.

Please believe me when I say that although his behaviour is no doubt challenging and distressing, it is the only way that he can release his feelings at the end of the day. The problem with school is that it can be so distressing for ASD children on so many levels - from academic through sensory (that's a big one) and social, and as soon as he returns to his safe space (i.e. you) it all come rushing out. Try to remember that this is actually the ultimate compliment to you as parents as you are the only people he feels safe enough to do this with.

Understanding burnout, as well as masking which I know you already understand, may bring you to a completely new perception of what's going on. There is (I am learning) a huge misconception that autistic people somehow don't "feel" complex emotions. The absolutely opposite is true. This is not so much about how he sees the world but about how he feels it. And he probably feels it incredibly deeply and honestly on a very complex number of levels. Understanding that from a directly autistic perspective will help you know what questions to explore with him. The answers may surprise you because he may well simply not think to volunteer that information unless asked.

I'm afraid I can't advise on professionals in your area but if he is burning out, he may well struggle to engage anyway and the most crucial thing he will need before anything else is rest, space, and a serious reduction in his sensory load - including the ability to retreat into isolation for a period of time if that's what he finds soothing. Again, (I have recently learned) as neurotypicals we tend to turn to others for support and assume that being alone is an "unhappy" state of being. For an autistic person in burnout, this is exactly what they often need, simply to reduce the sensory and social load they are constantly feeling so deeply. That's not to say autistic people don't want social connections - of course they do. But in a state of burnout they quite literally need as much peace, quiet and solitude as possible.

It's not something you can simply get through with willpower. That's a battle because education expects children to simply "keep going" no matter how traumatised or profoundly exhausted they might be. There is lots and lots of information out there, but this article in particular I found very good, giving a clear explanation of the vicious cycle of burnout and and eloquent account of how it feels, why it's so debilitating and some things you can do to help.

https://transformingautism.org/burnout-2/

I should finish by saying again I am not the expert here, just a parent who has been through it and made this discovery too late. I am coming to realise that the biggest experts on autism are autists themselves. That may sound so obvious, but sometimes you don't think of the obvious. So it may well be that members on here have first hand experiences that doesn't match what I have said, and I defer to their far superior knowledge. But it may give you a starting point to arm yourself wit further knowledge and in particular modify your strategies so that you can support his meltdowns in a way that will help him to manage them and understand them better.

When my daughter has a meltdown, in the past I used to either make an enormous fuss or tell her off and get angry. Now, I try very hard to simply "be" with her, to let her work through the meltdown, and just reassure her that she is safe, that she is allowed to feel emotion, that we understand her and that we love her. I  try (I don't always succeed!) to avoid adding pressure by asking her to articulate what is happening or insisting that there must be a cause. That can always be discussed later when things are calm again.

Just doing that alone has had a marked improvement not necessarily on the frequency, but certainly on the severity and her ability to bring herself out of it quicker. If the meltdown brings a behavioural response that does need addressing, let him calm down and recover before then engaging in a calm conversation about that, so that he understands what about his behaviour was challenging, but does not feel that he is being punished during something he genuinely has no control of. That's something I have found helpful anyway - it is of course different for everyone as we are all unique.

Hope that helps and good luck.

We experience the same thing with my son. I think it’ll probably always be that way to an extent but we’ve spent a lot of time working out his triggers or likely situations that overwhelm him and trying to manage the time around that. For example, he has more quiet downtime at home after school with less sensory stimulation (no iPads, nothing too loud, if the telly is on it’ll be calm programmes, we also stopped quizzing him about his day as found it was too much for him). Being tired is a massive problem for him - not helped by the fact he often can’t sleep due to anxiety - so we try to keep saturdays as a quiet day at home with few plans, just to let him have a proper rest at the end of the school week and recharge a bit. 

I agree.  It's quite common for autistic children to 'behave' at school and then have meltdowns at home.  Home is a safe environment, and the support there is usually unconditional.  I was far from a model student.  I was inattentive at school.  I also used to bunk off a lot because I found it such a hostile environment.  At home, on the other hand, I was very difficult.

Unfortunately home is where there is the most trust so it tends to be a safe outlet for a child to show their most awful thoughts and feelings.

Maybe you could ask the school if they could provide some opportunities for your son to have timeout to centre himself before he comes home. Schools tend to be very busy places with a lot of smells, sounds, people and social expectations and your boy is trying to navigate all of this without letting anyone know he is "different" to his peers. maybe he feels they won't accept him for being autistic. 

Does he have any friends at school?he may settle some when some of the pressure is lifted.

Sorry can't offer much help or advice

Unfortunately home is where there is the most trust so it tends to be a safe outlet for a child to show their most awful thoughts and feelings.

Maybe you could ask the school if they could provide some opportunities for your son to have timeout to centre himself before he comes home. Schools tend to be very busy places with a lot of smells, sounds, people and social expectations and your boy is trying to navigate all of this without letting anyone know he is "different" to his peers. maybe he feels they won't accept him for being autistic. 

Does he have any friends at school?he may settle some when some of the pressure is lifted.

Sorry can't offer much help or advice

Hi NAS36325

Individuals on the spectrum can often display behaviour that may be challenging. You may like to have a look at the following link for more information on behaviour and strategies:  http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour.aspx

You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: www.autism.org.uk/directory.aspx

You may like to contact The Autism Helpline who can provide information and advice on behaviour and strategies. You can call them on 0808 800 4104 (Monday to Thursday 10am to 4pm, Friday 9am to 3pm). Please note that the Helpline is experiencing a high volume of calls and it may take a couple of attempts before you get through to speak to an advisor.

Hope this helps and you find something helpful.

Nicky-Mod