nt partners of autistic/aspergers

Hi ... I too have found that there has been no easy access to get friendship and support from those going through the same thing.  I really struggled to find sites where I could chat to partners in the same situation.  

I've recently applied for a grant to set up a site which will do this as, over the past two years, my husband has been diagnosed - which has made a huge (positive) difference to us both and improved our marriage enormously.  I've also read some great books and have managed to make changes so that I too can be happy.  I want to share this but feel I need to create a site in order to do it!  Fingers crossed that I get the grant.  I'll find out next week! :)

IntenseWorld said:

I have AS and my husband is NT  I think there might be many ways that your husband puts you first that you don't realise because they are 'hidden'.  Does he do practical things and solve problems that need solving, that you might be less able to solve or not have the time, and take some weight off you like that?  Aspies are very logical and like solving problems, often with a really inventive way of thinking of solutions.  If you mull it over you may start to realise there are little hidden things where he makes things easier for you, even if it's unintentional and even if he doesn't express it.

The beauty of the talents that Asperger's can bring shouldn't be underestimated.

Sometimes, you need to step back to see what blessings there are to count.

Hi IntenseWorld,

Thanks for your comments. My Partner is the love of my life and has many more talents and positive attributes that he has difficulties, its just those difficulties take over sometimes when external factors are involved. Yes he is practical, logic and very creative and we have worked really hard to make thinks work and understand each other better, especially since the diagnosis.

I really do count my blessings, I wouldn't change him for the world.

Hello. I am new here and finding this discussion quite interesting.

I have a child who is on the autistic spectrum though we do not have an official diagnosis yet, thanks to the vagaries of our local authority pathway and the NHS. He does have a statement of SEN though.

Its a long story, but since I realised my son has autism or apsergers [professional opinions vary], I have also come to realise my partner [the father of my son] has it too and it has virtually destroyed our relationship.

I am hanging on by a thread right now and my partner is in denial and chooses to ignore both his difficulties and our son's. I need help and I do not know where to find it.

Rosemary 

I have AS and my husband is NT  I think there might be many ways that your husband puts you first that you don't realise because they are 'hidden'.  Does he do practical things and solve problems that need solving, that you might be less able to solve or not have the time, and take some weight off you like that?  Aspies are very logical and like solving problems, often with a really inventive way of thinking of solutions.  If you mull it over you may start to realise there are little hidden things where he makes things easier for you, even if it's unintentional and even if he doesn't express it.

The beauty of the talents that Asperger's can bring shouldn't be underestimated.

Sometimes, you need to step back to see what blessings there are to count.

Hi,

It has been great to read these post and realise that someone somewhere may understand what life is like. My partner of nearly 14 years was diagnosed in November last year and it kinda gave an explaination to so many things, it has made some things easier but we are still left with the same problems, still left trying to muddle through.

It can be very lonely at times and I wish that I could just make things ok for him but I can't. Others don't seem to understand, not that I have been able to speak with my family or friends about it, even his best friend doesn't seem to get it. We have spent years getting on with things, he has worked so hard to keep going, live up to expectations, no-one seeems to see our daily struggles.

I am sure that we can find a future where the current anxieties and stresses are minimised, just somethings when in the thick of it, it is difficult to see the way out.

Thank you all for posting,

yes shell exactly, having an autistic partner is at best tough sometimes so ive really reconsidered my place on kids in our life, selfish as it is, it is to protect myself from that extra burden , maybe when we are more settled and find a way to adapt to certain things its possible, but its not looking as likely that we will have any kids as it used to

you do need to put them first, my partner does put me first sometims, just in his own way not emotionally but with other things, but as we nts ARE more emotionally focused its quite a lot we dont get from them on that side, so we have to put that to the side for their needs

i can deal with that nowadays funnily enough, i learned thats just a fact of autism and i know he loves me from HIS ways of showing it, i am happy with that, but i still had to put my needs to the side to get there, my needs changed a lot

i think your son will find that person mainly cos you seem like the best kinda parent, honest but positive, he will just have to find a way in his own time to accept his differences

There's very little help for adults with autism, and I know a little bit about living with a partner with Aspergers because my ex husband has it. He wasn't diagnosed until he was in this thirties and he's still in a bit of denial. Our son is 21 and his Aspergers is more pronounced - he also has ADD and Dyspraxia unlike his father. Unfortunately I did not know my ex husband had Aspergers and I couldn't cope with him so we separated. Even if I had known I'm not sure I could have, because I think it's difficult enough supporting my son and there is conflict sometimes because his father thinks I am too protective, he probably thinks his son is only affected to the same degree he is when he clearly isn't. In fact getting anyone to understand how much support my son needs is almost impossible, especially the government! I've already ranted about that in another post. But from my experience of that relationship I learned that if you are in a relationship with someone with autism you need to be able to put them first all the time, because they find it difficult to empathise and they can't help that, so it's something you have to accept. You have to be pretty selfless, and that is tough. I've told my son that he is going to need someone pretty special for a long term relationship, and he kind of realises that I'm right but he spends all of his time wishing he didn't have autism and was like other people.

NAS18426 said:

I know just what you mean, I think! 

I have 2 kids on the spectrum, and the more we find out about Autism and Aspergers the more both me and my hubby think that he is on the spectrum too. It's great that there is information out there to enable us to reach these realisations, like this website! But undoubtedly there is more support for me as a parent than there is for me as a partner. There is a little respite care, there are activities, there are support groups, there are other parents at school. 

I don't know anyone else who's partner has spectrum traits or a diagnosis. 

I find it particularly hard because it often seems there is no room left in my life for me. Naturally I am optimistic, chaotic, impulsive and spontaneous. And now I am planning and scheduling. Everything is routine, planned, prepared for. I have to do it all for 3 other people and I often drop all the balls, because I'm not brilliant at this sort of thing! It's hard. I wouldn't change them, but sometimes it feels like I'm having to do an awful lot of changing who I am to fit around the three of them. There's no compromise, none of them flexing to fit round me. 

It's lonely too, because getting out of the house is hard. So much preparation for the shortest trip, which often it results in meltdown for someone regardless, and then I am left dealing with the fallout. But of course none of them like having people round here, they move things about, they may arrive or leave without enough warning, etc. The only friends I have left I only speak to over the internet, or they work with special needs in some capacity so they understand.

You're not alone, and I thank you for posting. Thank goodness for the internet eh? All the best hon x

you have my admiration, i dont know how id cope with 2 kids (1 kid) never mind my partner

when you said, theres no room left for me, yes, exactly, you get it, thats it

as for the part you said i put in bold , YES exactly, im ok with it more ok with it now than i have been, but that doesnt make it easy or stressless 

this is my life,i love him and i love us, but it can be stressful and it is a huge change to get used to, on my behalf , accepting autism means the things i want from him i cant get so i have to adapt to that, be it emotional support or jus thelp around the house

yes i dont know what id do if i could talk about this with people who get it, i try talking to family, but they dont understand what autism really is, they dont live with it every day, having people on here like yourself who really understand what its like

im so glad i came on here, beacause of posts like yours

thanks

Patiens said:

It is certainly tough out there.  I work with youngsters with autism and asperger's, and I do not, therefore, have the direct personal experience that other contributors here have.  At the same time I was for four and a half years the primary carer for a massively handicapped child for whom, had she lived, I would still be trying to take care of and with whom I would be receiving very little help.  My mother, with vascular dementia, is in a home which she shares with people who have Alzheimer's and, indeed, a few people who have no mental issues at all.

My observation is that the lack of appropriate support isn't exclusive to autism and asperger's.  Hundreds of thousands of people, perhaps millions in this country alone, have to cope with a lack of support that really ought to be available.  That includes the whole range of genetic, illness and age induced and accident-related disabilities.

What is lacking is less the money than the will.  As a country we can find money to fight wars, produce spectacular sporting events and pay ridiculous bonuses to people who actually produce nothing, but people still sleep in the shop doorways of our capital.

I would really like to help.  I am always willing to listen, of course, to anyone who wants to vent or debate,but unless matters have changed here I cannot even offer a contact address other than this forum.

I'm starting to rant, I think.  I apologise.  I hope people understand my main point at least.

Warmest best wishes to you,

you are so right there, sometimes, i admit, i feel sorry for myself on this issue, but i do know there are a lot of other people who are int he same boat i am,with no help or support just with a differnt problem

im sorry to hear about your own situation, and with that little girl, that must have been horrible

rants, i love rants, i think i should have a title and award for it  besides for a rant it made a lot of sense, thats a good rant

It is certainly tough out there.  I work with youngsters with autism and asperger's, and I do not, therefore, have the direct personal experience that other contributors here have.  At the same time I was for four and a half years the primary carer for a massively handicapped child for whom, had she lived, I would still be trying to take care of and with whom I would be receiving very little help.  My mother, with vascular dementia, is in a home which she shares with people who have Alzheimer's and, indeed, a few people who have no mental issues at all.

My observation is that the lack of appropriate support isn't exclusive to autism and asperger's.  Hundreds of thousands of people, perhaps millions in this country alone, have to cope with a lack of support that really ought to be available.  That includes the whole range of genetic, illness and age induced and accident-related disabilities.

What is lacking is less the money than the will.  As a country we can find money to fight wars, produce spectacular sporting events and pay ridiculous bonuses to people who actually produce nothing, but people still sleep in the shop doorways of our capital.

I would really like to help.  I am always willing to listen, of course, to anyone who wants to vent or debate,but unless matters have changed here I cannot even offer a contact address other than this forum.

I'm starting to rant, I think.  I apologise.  I hope people understand my main point at least.

Warmest best wishes to you,

some one said:

ignorance on behalf of those who can help, ie governments, authorities etc

That comes down to money too.

The government did help - it passed the Autism act.

But, many local authorities can't afford to implement the Act, or can't afford to implement it as quickly as they might, and so it doesn't get done, or get's done very slowly.

Well my partner lets it go over her head to a point, then we talk and it calms for a while 9 years and two kids we are still together.

Eminem Crazy in Love- excluding the violence etc - on youtube

money, and ignorance on behalf of those who can help, ie governments, authorities etc

stranger said:

Some people claim that as an adult, you should have adapted by now. I had sensory issues as a child. I still have them now adn they're getting worse. My speech is noticably worse as an adult.

you can 'adapt, ive seen my partner do it, but as temple grandin said, she will always have autism, it doesnt go away, anyone expecting that probably doesnt understand what it actually is

i spent a lot of time expecting my partner to adapt and be different, learn how to adapt and do it 'right', it just doesnt seem to work that way

im sorry your issues are getting worse, i dont think peopel expecting you to 'adapt' is helping you thats for sure

Some people claim that as an adult, you should have adapted by now. I had sensory issues as a child. I still have them now adn they're getting worse. My speech is noticably worse as an adult.

It all boils down to one word:

Money.

thanks for your reply scorpion, true, it probabaly is , what i dont get is why, when its known now its NOT something you grow out of there isnt more help for everyone involved

i understand parents need a lot of help, and i have nothing but respect for them, but partners have problems too and still have to care for their partner, same as they would if they had/have children

it sucks, both adults with autism and those who live with them need help same as any child and parent with autism, it doesnt go away and can be very stressful, but i have no-one, not one single person who understands or helps

its why i came here, even just to help others 

I think that lack of information and help for partners of, is a side effect of the lack of information and help for adults with Autism or Asperger's.

You see, Asperger's, and Autism in general, for long time was seen almost solely as a childhood disorder that one grew out of.

And even now it still is seen that way by many.

When we, Adults with Autism, are truly recognised and helped, then you, Partners of, will be too.