Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi hoping someone has some advice. my son is 4 and my first baby so in all honesty I never really noticed anything unusual about his behaviour. It was brought to my attention when he was about 1 and a half that there may be something's I should mention to his health visitor. I passed on the childminders concerns mainly about his social interactions listening and speech and we got hearing tests and speech therapy etc I wasn't overly concerned as we took on board the advice by the speech therapist and his language developed. Since starting nursery I can see theres a lot of differences in him other children and the nursery/school have been great with helping him.
Hes so intelligent and conforms really well as the nursery say but I am finding it all abit daunting I am stil getting my head around the fact he processes things very differently and it's hard because my partner is like yeah I said that all along and people are now being honest about concerns that they had which Just makes me feel like a crap mum for not recognising behaviours I just seen them as quirks. Today was a bad day and I need some advice on implementing discipline and setting boundaries because at end of day he's still a 4year that won't listen to his mummy and is pushing the boundaries it's getting to a point I dread talking him out because he plays up and I don't really know how is best to deal with it because the traditional methods don't seem to work for very long.
You're NOT a crap Mum and they ARE his quirks, it's just that some of them MAY be caused by ASD. Others won't be though and anyway, either way, it's only when these quirks become a problem that they get labelled 'behaviours'. With your first child (any child actually) you were always going to be on a steep learning curve because no-one knows how to be a Mum until they're doing it. My youngest is 13 and I'm still learning how to be HER Mum because she's not the same as her sisters, each one is unique and I had to learn how to be a Mum differently each time.
You don't say what's happening with your son in your question about "implementing discipline and setting boundaries" except that he's not listening - which is pretty broad and applies to every child I've ever met! Could you give a few examples of the types of things you're concerned about? And which "traditional methods" you've tried, because that's a pretty broad term too (?).
When my three daughters were that age they certainly made the most of their individuality: one wouldn't speak to any adults, at all, even when she went to school and was such a fussy eater I'm surprised she grew at all! One used to have the most spectacularly embarrassing tantrums (usually in public, of course) and had a thing about running off in busy places. I was constantly terrified she was going to run onto the road but she just couldn't understand the danger and had no sense of fear. The other was one of those precocious kids who blurts out unfortunate truths to strangers and was just RUDE! She also had no sense of personal space or possessions which caused quite a few problems at that age, especially with her sisters.
All of them though, around the time they started school, suddenly decided that Mum knew nothing and they suddenly got a bit too big for their boots at that age. I think all children do. They suddenly have this new authority figure in their life, their Teacher, and we get demoted.
Thankyou yesterday was a hard day. he ran away from me and when I shouted him to stop he carried on and ran across the road it was busy because it was school time thankfully he was safe but it really scared me it's like he doesn't really understand that's dangerous. He will listen and follow instructions from certain people but not me I know this is a kid thing but it's especially hard when you can't tell if being naughty or a lack of understanding. I have tried naughty step the mum count the shout and he just thinks it's funny I am at my wits end. I get a lot of you need to be firmer with him but I have tried it's so frustrating. I just need some tips I was thinking maybe road safety books etc to see if it will help him understand.
He's not necessarily (not always anyway) making a deliberate decision to be naughty, but acting on instinct and impulse and quite often he won't actually be considering how others might feel about these actions. If a 4-yr old thinks about these things at all, they'll expect others to see the same fun they do. At that age kids are still very egocentric, self-centred, not capable of a high degree of empathy. This is nothing to do with ASD (necessarily) but something that all children have to learn as they're socialised and some learn it quicker than others. When you think about it, it's only been a couple of years since he could recognise himself in a mirror so he's much more concerned with discovering and enjoying how the world is from his point of view, as relates to his own wants and needs, than knowing or considering someone else's.
If you can see it as your son's Ranulph Fiennes stage: an intrepid little fearless explorer who won't let anything stand in his way : )
To use this to your advantage, try to think of ways to relate discipline directly to him and in real time. (Having a time-out on the naughty-step after you get home from town is too disconnected from the fact that he ran onto the road two hours ago, for instance.) Having to immediately wear a wristband connected to your wristband is a real-time consequence of losing his freedom to explore. (I know that some parents don't like them, likening them to dog-leads, but I used one and if it stops him running onto a busy road I think it's worth it.)
In trying to stop him running off like this in the first place, that's a more long-term life lesson about impulse control. This might be more difficult to teach him IF he does have ASD but it's not impossible. The Road Safety books you suggested are an EXCELLENT idea for the long-term! For the short-term, if you could try (as I did) excitedly making him an offer "I have that (snack / toy / sticker) you want and if you stay by my side on this walk right now, you can have it as soon as we get there!". Ask, "Can you do that?" and once you think he's understood the arrangement, and agreed to it, set off.
I also used the agreement to offer the chance to have confiscated (for throwing them) toys returned after a successful journey. Try, if you can, to set him up to succeed - in choosing routes to and from places that avoid as many roads as possible. Try also engaging his attention during the journey by having a discussion subject started just before you leave - anything from "Do you think the moon tastes of cheese?" to "So, tell me about that game you were playing?" (and trying to avoid distractions on walks, so it's a good idea not to do these walks with other people if you can)
Just a final note (sorry this is such a long post) just remember that every trip needs to be considered two journeys / walks, so that's two rewards and 'interesting' conversations! Good Luck!!