URGENT HELP NEEDED - Out of control what do we do?

The thing is. You’re coming at this from the wrong angle. You see, he didn’t smash the wall in by throwing a huge computer chair at it. He didn’t smash the wardrobe door off its hinges. It may have looked like that, to you, in your world. But he’s not in your world. He’s in his. He didn’t smash the wall in. He tried desperately, in vain, to say, help me, please god help me. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t like what’s happening to me. I didn’t mean to say I hate you. I don’t know why I said that. I don’t even know what it means. I’m all alone and I’m scared. Please. Please god will somebody help me.

He doesn’t see what you see. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. It doesn’t register in his mind like it does in yours. You’re right about that. We see the world differently. That means, that when he gets overwhelmed and completely confused, when he’s in pain, but has no idea why or what to do about it, he's not aware of his behaviour in the same way that you are. You see him as throwing a chair, breaking doors, not caring and not understanding. You got the last part right as well. We don’t understand. Not in the same way that you do. But we do care. We do love. But sometimes, we just cannot or do not know how to tell you or show you, and often, it comes out as precisely the opposite.

I don’t mean that how it might sound. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re doing a great job, this is difficult for both sides. I was just trying to let you know what it’s like from his side. You could be my parents talking about me when I was a kid. And yes, I did end up in prison. The only thing that did for me was make me feel like I finally ‘fitted in’. In prison, we were all prisoners. Simple. Finally, I was the same as everybody else. I didn’t want to leave. I seriously did not want to leave.

Best wishes with it. Coming on here and talking about it might not always give you all the answers, but it helps. I hope that just writing about it has helped you to some degree.

Yeh I know you're right but its so hard. Especially when you have other people in the family to look after as well. And when you can see the harm that hes doing to himself. As you say its hard to understand.

Same when you help him so much - it still goes nowhere. And when you try to help and he lies, goes behind your back etc. And when people are trying to help and he just does not bother - I think thats the worse. Hes had exercises to do/things to try from counsellor and he just doesnt bother.

We do really need to get a handle on discipline though. Been reading about that today. About making house rules that are clear etc. and making sure he knows the consequences. 

BTW - been looking at punch bags on amazon. lol. Good idea?

What about the damage hes caused so far? Should I make him responsible for what hes done (i.e. paying for new chair etc?)

It is hard, it's very hard, for everyone involved and you don't give yourself enough credit for just how well you're doing. You're doing the best you can in a sea of confusion. Try to think of it as you speaking English and him speaking Japanese. 

House rules will be great. Firm and consistent boundaries, could work, to at least bring some order into the house and stop the destruction. It might take a while though, so it might require some more patience.

A punch bag could work great. Physical exercise works great for me. I really love boxing and Thai boxing as that takes the most amount of physical effort and works really well. Currently, due to exhaustion and lack of nutrition, and other things, I'm not able to even walk very far let alone excercise. But ever since I found out how helpful physical exercise was to me, when I was 20, I have exercised almost daily ever since. It has been a life saver for me. If he doesn't take to boxing, try and introduce him to other forms of physical exercise and sports that he can try, until he finds one he likes. If he can find a physical exercise that he enjoys it would be a huge benefit to him. And you! :) 

As for the damage he's caused so far, chances are, no matter how you frame this to him, at present,  he won't fully appreciate what it's all about. You could maybe make a list of the damage and the financial cost it would take to repair/replace the damage and one day, when your son is in a position where he understands, you could offer him the opportunity to make amends by paying you back. 

It might be more worth your while to say that as a family, you have realised that you can no longer go on as you are. That you are introducing some new house rules and breaking the rules will have consequences, such as ....... and start again, with the new rules and consequences.

Also, think about getting some time away, just you and your wife, even if it's only for a few days, or a dedicated night out together on a regular basis, or something. This is about you and your wife as well, not just your son and the better you look after yourself and your relationship with your wife, the more help you will be to your son because some times, there's very little anybody can do, we have to weather the storms, and your relationship with yourself, your wife and your family and friends will get you through the storm. 

Thanks for the links Dongfeng, that’l be a bit of bed time reading for me :) 

Yeah, definitely Dongfeng. As soon as I read ‘don’t shout’ I knew instantly that’s an impossibility. And you can’t always link the behaviour to what immediately preceeded it. For example, my dad would ask me to wash the pots and I kick off and refuse. You have to go further back than that to unravel why I behaved like I did. Chances are I had not been getting enough time by myself, or I heard what my dad said in a different way to how he intended it ~ trust me, we can do this, we can totally misunderstand something that sounds very clear to somebody else. There are so many variables but the behaviour is generally not reflective of what’s going on. I would shout, scream and be angry but inside I was scared, lonely, confused, unable to make sense of things, unable to control myself and very very sad. 

Being successful in controlling someone’s behaviour, can sometimes cause much more harm than good. Short term measures are sometimes necessary in times of crisis or danger etc but the goal should be to understand the dynamics and what’s going on behind the scenes and as Dongfeng said, the behaviour will then fix itself naturally. 

Yeah, I discovered the powerful effects of daily exercise when I was 20 and have kept it up ever since. There have been times, for different reasons, when I haven’t been consistent but I know that exercise, as well as being out in the fresh air and nature, is my medicine and soul food. 

Yeah, I identify completely Dongfeng. I feel like what is happening with me currently, the exhaustion and the absolute need to be alone, is that I’m decompressing and detoxing the last 50 years of being on somebody else’s schedule. I feel like I’m also giving my body and myself the rest that I so very much need. Without alone time I go crazy so I can see why I would kick off so much as a child growing up with a brother and a sister and loads of cousins, with barely anytime alone. No wonder I liked to sit in the wardrobe and under the bed and my favourite, the bathroom floor! 

I agree Dongfeng, just reading that line ‘homework gets done and you attend school’ makes me feel kind of dizzy and it kind of cancels itself out. It would be as if I read or hear it but it doesn’t register because I don’t understand it so it’s as if I never heard or read it. It’s like it disappears from my memory, which I guess is because it never got put in there. It’s almost like reading a random set of words that I barely understand individually. 

It would have to be very specific for me, with timetables and visual cues. Social stories are very good and NAS has some good info on them and how to develop and use them. 

That’s brilliant NAS35349, that helps me a lot too. I recognise myself in your son and things have turned out ok for me but if I can help someone else, and their family, work it all out a lot quicker, then that makes everything I’ve been through worth while. 

I would suggest printing the stuff off what I wrote and re-reading it regularly. You can’t take it all in at once and by reading it regularly, it will spark things off in your own mind and help you take more positive actions etc. 

Your son and your family are very lucky to have you and it gives me comfort to know that there’s someone out there, like me, who has a family who loves him and are open and willing to do what they can to let him know he’s loved and cared for. 

There are no magic wands and we never get things right all the time, no matter how aware and clued up we get. And we’re not supposed to. It’s not about that. It’s about learning to be the best we can be, without any comparison whatsoever with anybody else. We are all unique beings, nobody can be us better than we can, so we have nobody to compete with. As your son starts to feel less stressed etc, he will enjoy playing a more active role in the family and it will be teaching him about responsibility in a way that he understands. Best wishes to all of you. 

That’s brilliant NAS35349, that helps me a lot too. I recognise myself in your son and things have turned out ok for me but if I can help someone else, and their family, work it all out a lot quicker, then that makes everything I’ve been through worth while. 

I would suggest printing the stuff off what I wrote and re-reading it regularly. You can’t take it all in at once and by reading it regularly, it will spark things off in your own mind and help you take more positive actions etc. 

Your son and your family are very lucky to have you and it gives me comfort to know that there’s someone out there, like me, who has a family who loves him and are open and willing to do what they can to let him know he’s loved and cared for. 

There are no magic wands and we never get things right all the time, no matter how aware and clued up we get. And we’re not supposed to. It’s not about that. It’s about learning to be the best we can be, without any comparison whatsoever with anybody else. We are all unique beings, nobody can be us better than we can, so we have nobody to compete with. As your son starts to feel less stressed etc, he will enjoy playing a more active role in the family and it will be teaching him about responsibility in a way that he understands. Best wishes to all of you.