Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone,
I am a 24-year-old female suffering from what seems to be a life-long state of depression. This depression has been with me for as long as I can remember and basically stems from some kind of deep chronic loneliness I can't understand. In trying to understand this loneliness, I have always had questions about who I am and why I am so different. I have considered bipolar disorder and ADHD. But in my search for answers, I came across the help4aspergers website that listed characteristics specific to women with aspergers, which has been making me think.
Before I decide to seek professional help, my question is, can someone out there please give me their own opinion as to whether or not they think I could have Asperger's Syndrome?
The challenge is that I do not seem to experience the 3 main social/communication aspects of the disorder strongly, although I can say that there are times when I do.
Here is a run-down of the my basic eccentricities/habits:
1.) I am a loner and introverted. Although the irony is that I have a very sunny and outward personality (people say that I am quite hyper and high energy), I find it difficult to sustain real friendships with people. After being introduced to people and getting along perfectly well, I disappear.. I don't know why I do this.. But it's as if I get panic attacks imagining what I would do or say if I had to hang out with them..
2.) In school, I had only one or two close friends. I was definitely an outsider and couldnt mingle the same way that the oher children did. I had a tendency to daydream quite a lot.Teachers said I was "physically present but mentally absent."
3.) I read the same books over and over. My main interests are fantasy/science fiction, children's books, and memoirs.
4.) I had one obsession in high school, which was music. All my awards were music related. In fact, this was the only area of interest I had and bothered pursuing.
5.) When I was younger, I hated being touched and felt very awkward when people would show physical displays of affection towards me. However, after my last relationship, I like hugging people now (people I am close to).
6.) As a teenager, I wore the same 3 shirts and 2 pairs of jeans my entire life and never bothered about fashion.
7.) I had very poor personal hygiene when I was younger. It was as if other girls my age knew instinctively to be squeaky clean and pretty, brushing their hair and all that. I was known for my messy hair and unkempt uniform and sometimes did not take a bath.
8.) I can be incredibly emotionally immature and moody for the shallowest reasons. Ex. not eating my favorite food for the day. Not having my usual time to daydream.
After many years of knowing myself for having the above eccentricities while I was growing up, I thought I had just matured and was over all these.
But my recent corporate experience has left me severely depressed and in a state of trauma. I felt like an outsider, a child once again.
Someone help me, please. Would appreciate your feedback.. Thank you very much.
You sound like you are describing having Aspergers very clearly, so I wondered why you say you do not seem to experience the 3 main social/communication aspects strongly.
I was diagnosed as an adult, and because it was a late diagnosis I had developed a wide range of coping strategies that masked the type of social/communication aspects. However, these were only strategies to help me appear NT, and I can only describe them as "acting NT". Think about your own way of behaving and clearly seperate your real self from any acting strategies you have developed (Aspergirls do a lot of acting strategies that boys in general do not), these strategies may be very deeply ingrained in the way you behave.
I didn't realise until my diagnosis that all people were not doing these acting strategies, I just thought other people were better at them than me and so were less unhappy and lonely. Now I realise NTs are not acting, its the way they are. Aspergirls are different. The acting strategies were severely hampering my health due to chronic anxiety and depression. When I saw them for what they were and connected with my real Aspie self it was a revelation, I could be me and not pretend to myself that I was that other person. Acting strategies are mentally draining, and often for adults it is not until the work environment that it becomes clear you cannot keep them up for hours on end day after day.
On the subject of adult diagnosis. Ask you GP to refer you to a psychiatrist who is trained in Asperger diagnosis for adults. It will save a lot of time if you can go straight to the person who knows the diagnosis procedure. Good luck.