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Dealing with emotions when people snap at you.

KaloJaro

Hi,

Recently been having more trouble when it comes to normal people again, but my main concern is trying to sort out my emotions. It could be I'm getting stressed over an upcoming uni interview but still...

All my life whenever someone snaps at me I always feel lost, helpless and scared. Often I will end up avoiding said person for days even weeks because every time I see them the memory of them snapping at me comes up, along with the same overwhelming emotions, leaving me feeling unwanted and as though its best if I just 'stay out of the way' even if the person is trying to include me.

Normally I try to let the emotions run their course until I forget or get distracted by something else but recently been snapped at by my mum (shes wound up for some reason that everyone else seems to know except me, which doesn't help) who is often the first person I turn to with advice for my emotions, shes also the one taking me on a 5-6 hour car drive to the uni I'm applying for next wednesday (30th Nov) meaning it'll be impossible to avoid her.

Any ideas, tips or coping strategies?

  • Hi,

    Im so pleased you have managed to talk things through with your mum. Hope things get a bit better for you now.

    all the best

    sam

    x

  • Hi everyone,

    Thanks for all the replies and advice, I've talked with my mum who seems to have finally understood how anxious being snapped at made me, admittedly it took pacing around the room for 20 minutes before bursting into tears when I couldn't make the words come out the way I wanted but at least the lesson seems to have been learnt.

    I also talked about her and she's decided to do more research about Asperger's than just reading the booklet CAHM's gave us, so hopefully she'll get where I'm coming from and why some things are harder for me than others.

    Daisygirl, I know what you mean in terms of that kind of relationship. Its the road my dad and step-mum went down and now I hardly ever see/speak to them, its even started affecting his side of my family who're now getting worried, although they seem to believe I'm the one who wants to break things off with them (I don't, I just feel too vulnerable explaining Aspergers to a large group of adults and children with some relatives who I know will wave it off as a lie despite the CAHM's report.)

    I wonder sometimes if I should direct them to this forum to show them how I feel as well as the fact that there are others like me here?

    Thanks again for all you advice, its been really appreciated.

  • Hello

    Sorry to hear about the anxiety you are experiencing KaloJaro and DasiyGirl.  As a Mum of a child with AS who used to be very verbally challenging, I needed a lot of help to become competent with managing my own emotions during communication breakdowns.  That's where the 'snapping' is probably coming from.  What was underlying it in our family was our (parents) superficial understanding of autism - it wasnt until we came to really understand the condition deeply and subsequently change our own communication style and master limit setting that we began to have a more manageable family dynamic.

    Re suggestions - perhaps you might consider a referral to a Family Therapist who has a good understanding of autism and how it can affect family dynamics and relationships?  Such a Therapist should be able to help you talk through any difficulties and perhaps eventually support you to talk to your parents about how the breakdowns in communication make you feel.  You should be able to obtain a referral through your GP - if not, I'm sure the NAS helpline could advise.

    Hope it works out for you.

    Zoe

  • Hi,

    As a mum who is guilty of snapping at times. Please try and remember that we do snap at everyone at somepoint and it is a sign that we are struggling with our emotions too not a personal attack on the person we snap at, it is true that we often snap at those we are closest too. But I think what most NT's are bad for is not realising the upset this causes. I love my son so much and will always be there to help him even if I have snapped at him just two minutes before.

    I agree that talking things out with your mum is the best cause of action. Tell her that you realise that something has upset her and that other people seem to know what that is and that you dont know it. Tell her you are nervous around her because she snapped at you and you dont know why. Tell her you are nervous about uni, it might be tht she is nervous about uni and or the drive there too. As you said in your post that your mum is the person you turn to normaly, there is no reason not to turn to her now.

    Hope this helps, best of luck with uni interview and geting things sorted with your mum.

    Sam

    x

  • Hi KaloJaro,

    Sorry this post isn't a solution, I was just wanting to sympathise. I have exacty this problem at the moment. I have no relationship with my parents now except in the most superficial way because of "snapping" which made my anxiety much worse, which led to more snapping, more anxiety etc.etc. and then I couldn't cope any more, and so I withdrew from them. I have no idea how to stop this cycle.

    Perhaps if you have a good relationship with your family you can talk to them about being lost and scared before if spirals further. Maybe they don't know how bad it makes you feel.

    I wish I had a solution to this. I now feel totally alone and frequently descend into panic and hopelessness because my feelings are too much, the anxiety is too much and NT family don't seem at all bothered (even though I've done a lot of very difficult things to support them when they have had problems themselves).

    I'll try to end this on a more positive note. Talking to, and being honest with family is always worth a try. I hope it works, and you get the support you need.