Is my asperger's syndrome holding me back in life?

Hi Mark,

 I agree with Longman, you need to be less fatalistic about it.

For me, I had extremely short lived and rocky relationships and even suffered physically as a result, however, that was prior to my diagnosis.

Having a diagnosis gives you the heads up about why communication is so difficult and hopefully, if viewed more positively, should allow you to form stratagies for the future. Used wisely, the knowledge of your diagnosis can also help you to keep safe.

I'm not sure communication online is any more safe than in person, as people may be even more easlily duped, but their remains many ways in which you can try to initiate contact with others and begin to form friendships and Matts suggestion of hobbies is a great start.

Communication with others on the spectrum is always a great start. When things get tough, reaching out to those who truly understand can be a great comfort. Their is always a listening ear here.

I think we need some more up to date literature on Relationships and Aspergers. I understand Sarah Hendrickx has written one, but i've not read it. Perhaps others can suggest some good reading material.

Take care,

Coogy.

Hello Mark

MattBucks is right... conversation and connection works best for us through an interest. We are wired for that; the exchange of information and relating of what we have discovered, attempted and achieved, on a subject we are really interested in.

Starting a conversation and sustaining it is tricky when you cannot read faces in any depth or pick-up those subtle NT signals that they pass between each other.. and which we often fail to understand. But if you are with others who have the same interest, you already have solved the initial problem - what to talk about.

Hi Mark, you do now!

I meant you to understand that we are all friends on here, and we do what friends always do - we talk to, listen to, and support each other.

We don't want you to feel isolated, we just want you to know that we've all had the same issues, some still do, you're not alone because we understand each other, and what we'd really like is for you to get the life you want, and we want to help if we can.

We'll certainly try, and we'll start by letting you know that we're always here for you

Thanks for the replys, it has really helped me today. I really appreciate it  



 classic codger, I think one of my problems is the fact I don't have any friends. 

I agree with Longman, your AS is not to blame, but it is a convenient scapegoat if you look for one. However, I don't think that's a helpful strategy.

How does anyone meet anyone these days? There are all sorts of ways that people meet. If you don't go out much, there are plenty of opportunities online, although admittedly, dating websites can be pricy. Against that, where else are you going to see, and be exposed to, such a large number of people in perfect safety?

It isn't necessary to tell anyone that you're Aspie. If they like you, they like you for who you are. If you date and it doesn't work out, that's just real life - you aren't going to like everyone you date and if it goes so badly so soon, you didn't really want to be in a relationship with that person anyway. It isn't a reflection on you, it's simply that you weren't compatible, you have no need to think that you, or your condition, are to 'blame'.

It is said that there is someone for everyone. Fine, but the real trick still is finding them. Like Longman says, look beyond the AS, be true to yourself and don't let desparation drive your choices. If a date feels like it isn't right, it's wrong. Trust your instincts.

And of course, your friends are always here for you

It was not my intention to imply that these experiences are synonymous with what NTs experience. Rather I was trying to put things in perspective - dating isn't easy, and not having autism, someone can still find it difficult.

Autism gets in the way - big time. Poor social referencing - reading what others convey by facial expression and gesture, understanding humour, and reassuring eye contact seem to be necessary for making connections - and that's going to be difficult.

However I don't think it helps to be doomladen and fatalistic about it.

Autism set backs can be surmounted, just as other kinds of set back can be, but no-way was I saying it is synonymous or no more difficult. Just I think having hope and a positive frame of mind is important.

There are books on forming relationships. One I have on my bookshelf doesn't seem helpful to me, but is well intentioned - The Asperger Love Guide - A practical guide for adults with Asperger's syndrome to seeking, establishing and maintaining successful relationships" by Genevieve Edmonds & Dean Worton 2005 Paul Chapman Publishing (ISBN 1 4129 1910 X  this number will help a library or bookshop find it).

My difficulty with it was it over-simplified the problems - it loses sparse references to eye contact and reading non-verbal language in amongst the set-backs that vary from person to person - discomfort with physical affection, frequent anger/frustration, high levels of anxiety, resistance to change, over dependency, depression, over-sensitivity, lies, food sensitivities, self absorption, lack of care with appearance, attachment to objects, short attention span, embarrassing socially inappropriate or immature behaviour, problems with keeping or finding appropriate employment, failure, fears, lack of awareness of dangers, stims, incompatibility with frequency of touch, hyperactivity, over-independence, unusual intelligence, obsessive compulsive behaviour, rituals and routines, lack of appropriate self care, difficulty with space, difficulty with awareness or passage of time, trouble getting out and about.....

It then goes on to talk about low self esteem....well you've hammered that point home! The jump from there to positive thinking was just too great, and the ideas on making approaches, having covered all these downsides, really doesn't get to grips with how to meet, connect etc. Surely that's the hard bit?

Sheffield Hallam's "Adults Speak out about Asperger's Series" has a title "Asperger Syndrome & Social Relationships" by Genevieve Edmonds and Luke Beardon 2008 Jessica Kingsley Publishers  ISBN 978 1 84310 647 0

This has 14 articles by different people - quite useful insights from different people with AS trying to make social connections.

Some of the chapters talk about the impact of bullying. That undermines self confidence and self esteem. Somehow you have to overcome that, and be calm about making approaches. Seeming desperate or showing insecurity seems to be a no-no. NTs seem very selfish when it comes to other people's problems. They will use your shoulder to cry on, but run a mile (excuse metaphor mix) if you show signs of being more insecure.

I've found I can be a good listener. I'm not sure why - maybe because I'm trying to listen and read the signs my focus looks like being empathic. That means you risk being taken advantage of. But it does seem to be a feature of people with AS that attracts NTs

The books say think positively - easier said than done. But I think you need to see a way above and beyond the AS, rather than being defeatist.

Of course I'm no good at advising on forming relationships - I haven't formed any bar a few very fleeting.

To be brutually honest, and expressing sincere sympathy with mark123's plight, yes, his Asperger's is to blame. Friendship difficulties are part and parcel of the condition, and not withstanding longman's good intentions, it is not very helpful to imply that the difficulties are synonymous with what NT's experience, despite superficial overlaps. If autism is not to blame, what is? I can understand fully what mark is going through because I have experienced such difficulties myself because of my autism, however there are solutions and coping strategies. Meeting people with shared interests is one such solution, as is joining Asperger groups where you might meet people with similar issues. Having Asperger's does not mean you will never be able to have a relationship, but it can explain why so many people with AS struggle to find someone and why people with AS are a lot more likely to be on their own than an NT. So yes, the Asperger's has been holding  mark back, as it has held back and countless others, and this is the grim face of living with what is, for many, a disability. However, being held back is not the same thing as being prevented from attaining life's goals, which is not an inevitable part of the condition. Some goals, if not all, can be met, but be kind to yoursef - it can take a lot longer to achieve them, and with far more stress and effort, than it takes for most NT's to achieve the same. That's reality.

Social connectivity is always going to be tricky, because you are unlikely to be able to generate the right body language, facial expressions and eye contact that NTs look for in order to feel comfortable with someone else. And you will struggle to pick up on expected cues and how to respond. Relating uis about trusting. Trusting always seems to need much non-verbal.

However dating is tricky even for NTs and the going-nowhere situation you describe happens to most NTs 9 times out of 10.

Did you arrange the date through an on-line chat room? Conversation in such environment always gets a bit far fetched because people's imaginings about the other person overrule the limited amount of fact. So there is inevitably going to be a big discrepancy on a real meet, especially if either or both of you have been untruthful about how you look.

Granted meeting people through a social venue is going to be hard for someone on the spectrum, but such environments are also awkward for non-autistics/NTs.

Feeling alone and unable to form friendships or relationships is a really big issue for people on the spectrum, but is a big issue for many NTs as well. So don't blame the autism.

I went clubbing regularly for several decades to combat isolation. I hated the noise, I couldn't communicate properly both because my auditory system was overloaded and I couldn't enunciate under that pressure. I seem to be able to notice someone else being interested to chat from a distance, and completely incapacitated close up. I went clubbing because it was expected, and I couldn't face the alternatives.

Where you can form friendships/relationships is on safer ground - somewhere where your interests touch other peoples' or you can compromise your special interests a bit,. That provides social opportunities that might lead to something else.

Trying to compete in environments even NTs struggle with is not the best option.

I may be misunderstanding your post as Mark - and referring to dating a guy. Have you read "Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet (Hodder & Stoughton 2006). He has a whole chapter on falling in love from a gay perspective - meeting via the internet, he says because it avoided eye contact issues, and not meeting until after a lot of email exchanges. It might be a useful book. If I read that wrong, apologies.