Is my asperger's syndrome holding me back in life?

It was not my intention to imply that these experiences are synonymous with what NTs experience. Rather I was trying to put things in perspective - dating isn't easy, and not having autism, someone can still find it difficult.

Autism gets in the way - big time. Poor social referencing - reading what others convey by facial expression and gesture, understanding humour, and reassuring eye contact seem to be necessary for making connections - and that's going to be difficult.

However I don't think it helps to be doomladen and fatalistic about it.

Autism set backs can be surmounted, just as other kinds of set back can be, but no-way was I saying it is synonymous or no more difficult. Just I think having hope and a positive frame of mind is important.

There are books on forming relationships. One I have on my bookshelf doesn't seem helpful to me, but is well intentioned - The Asperger Love Guide - A practical guide for adults with Asperger's syndrome to seeking, establishing and maintaining successful relationships" by Genevieve Edmonds & Dean Worton 2005 Paul Chapman Publishing (ISBN 1 4129 1910 X  this number will help a library or bookshop find it).

My difficulty with it was it over-simplified the problems - it loses sparse references to eye contact and reading non-verbal language in amongst the set-backs that vary from person to person - discomfort with physical affection, frequent anger/frustration, high levels of anxiety, resistance to change, over dependency, depression, over-sensitivity, lies, food sensitivities, self absorption, lack of care with appearance, attachment to objects, short attention span, embarrassing socially inappropriate or immature behaviour, problems with keeping or finding appropriate employment, failure, fears, lack of awareness of dangers, stims, incompatibility with frequency of touch, hyperactivity, over-independence, unusual intelligence, obsessive compulsive behaviour, rituals and routines, lack of appropriate self care, difficulty with space, difficulty with awareness or passage of time, trouble getting out and about.....

It then goes on to talk about low self esteem....well you've hammered that point home! The jump from there to positive thinking was just too great, and the ideas on making approaches, having covered all these downsides, really doesn't get to grips with how to meet, connect etc. Surely that's the hard bit?

Sheffield Hallam's "Adults Speak out about Asperger's Series" has a title "Asperger Syndrome & Social Relationships" by Genevieve Edmonds and Luke Beardon 2008 Jessica Kingsley Publishers  ISBN 978 1 84310 647 0

This has 14 articles by different people - quite useful insights from different people with AS trying to make social connections.

Some of the chapters talk about the impact of bullying. That undermines self confidence and self esteem. Somehow you have to overcome that, and be calm about making approaches. Seeming desperate or showing insecurity seems to be a no-no. NTs seem very selfish when it comes to other people's problems. They will use your shoulder to cry on, but run a mile (excuse metaphor mix) if you show signs of being more insecure.

I've found I can be a good listener. I'm not sure why - maybe because I'm trying to listen and read the signs my focus looks like being empathic. That means you risk being taken advantage of. But it does seem to be a feature of people with AS that attracts NTs

The books say think positively - easier said than done. But I think you need to see a way above and beyond the AS, rather than being defeatist.

Of course I'm no good at advising on forming relationships - I haven't formed any bar a few very fleeting.

It was not my intention to imply that these experiences are synonymous with what NTs experience. Rather I was trying to put things in perspective - dating isn't easy, and not having autism, someone can still find it difficult.

Autism gets in the way - big time. Poor social referencing - reading what others convey by facial expression and gesture, understanding humour, and reassuring eye contact seem to be necessary for making connections - and that's going to be difficult.

However I don't think it helps to be doomladen and fatalistic about it.

Autism set backs can be surmounted, just as other kinds of set back can be, but no-way was I saying it is synonymous or no more difficult. Just I think having hope and a positive frame of mind is important.

There are books on forming relationships. One I have on my bookshelf doesn't seem helpful to me, but is well intentioned - The Asperger Love Guide - A practical guide for adults with Asperger's syndrome to seeking, establishing and maintaining successful relationships" by Genevieve Edmonds & Dean Worton 2005 Paul Chapman Publishing (ISBN 1 4129 1910 X  this number will help a library or bookshop find it).

My difficulty with it was it over-simplified the problems - it loses sparse references to eye contact and reading non-verbal language in amongst the set-backs that vary from person to person - discomfort with physical affection, frequent anger/frustration, high levels of anxiety, resistance to change, over dependency, depression, over-sensitivity, lies, food sensitivities, self absorption, lack of care with appearance, attachment to objects, short attention span, embarrassing socially inappropriate or immature behaviour, problems with keeping or finding appropriate employment, failure, fears, lack of awareness of dangers, stims, incompatibility with frequency of touch, hyperactivity, over-independence, unusual intelligence, obsessive compulsive behaviour, rituals and routines, lack of appropriate self care, difficulty with space, difficulty with awareness or passage of time, trouble getting out and about.....

It then goes on to talk about low self esteem....well you've hammered that point home! The jump from there to positive thinking was just too great, and the ideas on making approaches, having covered all these downsides, really doesn't get to grips with how to meet, connect etc. Surely that's the hard bit?

Sheffield Hallam's "Adults Speak out about Asperger's Series" has a title "Asperger Syndrome & Social Relationships" by Genevieve Edmonds and Luke Beardon 2008 Jessica Kingsley Publishers  ISBN 978 1 84310 647 0

This has 14 articles by different people - quite useful insights from different people with AS trying to make social connections.

Some of the chapters talk about the impact of bullying. That undermines self confidence and self esteem. Somehow you have to overcome that, and be calm about making approaches. Seeming desperate or showing insecurity seems to be a no-no. NTs seem very selfish when it comes to other people's problems. They will use your shoulder to cry on, but run a mile (excuse metaphor mix) if you show signs of being more insecure.

I've found I can be a good listener. I'm not sure why - maybe because I'm trying to listen and read the signs my focus looks like being empathic. That means you risk being taken advantage of. But it does seem to be a feature of people with AS that attracts NTs

The books say think positively - easier said than done. But I think you need to see a way above and beyond the AS, rather than being defeatist.

Of course I'm no good at advising on forming relationships - I haven't formed any bar a few very fleeting.