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Is a stable relationship even possible?

tellan42

Hi, I'm 36 Years old, I think I have Aspergers. I have most/some of the symptoms but was never diognosed. Seem like i have only the negativ stuff not the gifts. Because of why I'm writing here.. I had a relationship lately ended. She was really in love with me and very crushed when i ended it. I never said it to here. The relationship took about 4 Months , i think. It was nice, but i knew it was not the real thing for me, but i waited and wanted to see if it works afterall. Unfortunately not. I hurt here pretty badly with my ending and I really couldn't say why i've done it. I just stand there and stared at her. I was frozen in this Situation. I didnt could tell her all the details that were brothering me from here. I was just thinking all the time, when she was yelling at me "Get out of here, just leave". After she was finished yelling and crying, she was gone. Now Im really broke down, not because of that she is gone. Because of that I hurt her so much and I couldnt see that I was doing it to her. I want a relationship, but ist not easy. All the time to hold back with yout "ticks", trying to accept the bothering details of the other person. "Do" what you are obligated to do in a relationship.... I mean i like the propinquity in a relationship, if its not overbearing for me. Maybe I have to find "The One". I dont know.

With regards

  • Thanks for all the input. Yes I know, you have to "give" something when you are taking something. I did it, but some stuff didn't come from "the heart". Ich hope you understand what I mean. I did certain social behavior because of "this is how you to it". For different social occasions, I have my "mind control lists". Unfortunately for some intime personal interaction too. Yes, I should have told her the truth.

    But these mind list there are brothering me, why cant i function normaly without it. When she said, she loves me. I said it back, even I didn't mean it truthfully. Because she was expecting it, in this very moment. This makes me very depressing and angry. She thinks now I'm a stubid a*****e and I did her only because of the sex (it was not even good sex - for me). I really hope I don't screw up the next time. Not like this.

  • No, I'm not in a stable relationship, and my opinions come from a combination of learning from my own mistakes and learning from friends' and relatives' mistakes. I've seen relationships torn apart from one partner not being his or herself and hiding their true selves and it has never been pretty. You may have interpreted my post as coming across in such a manner but that was not my intention and I do not believe it came across like that in general. To be honest, it does kinda look like you're trying to score points... Obviously one should be considerate towards one's partner but that is a far cry from holding back "tics" by which I assume tellan is referring to aspie traits. I think you're applying having autism too much in this case - almost everyone in a relationship does things that affect their partner negatively without necessarily knowing how its affecting their partner, regardless of whether they are NT or ASD

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Laddo, can I ask whether you are in a steady sustainable relationship? I'm really not trying to score points but I'm interested whether your opinions come from experience or from idealism. It came across that you were saying that the partner has to love you in a raw, "my way or the highway" manner. Perhaps I misunderstood? Yes, you have to be able to "be yourself" but you also have to do things in exchange for the other person who has to cope with your idiosyncracies. If it works well then the other person has no illusions about what you are capable of but you also need self awareness about your impact on the other party. Tellan could see how he did not anticipate the reaction when he broke it off - this is classic autistic poor social imagination. There will be other behaviours where he is unaware of his impact. You don't necessarily have to anticipate everyones reactions but you have to be aware that your actions affect people in ways that you don't anticipate.

  • Hi tellan. I think you have hit on a key issue in your previous relationship in your first post - you felt you had to hold back and didn't feel you could truly be yourself around her. A relationship where either partner can't be his or herself is not a true, loving relationship. A strong relationship should have no secrets and hiding personality traits is one of the biggest secrets you can keep. I hope you can find someone who you can truly feel yourself around

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    If you apply your aspie perfectionist, black and white thinking to this then you are liable to be disappointed. If you can see a way of making it work without looking to pick faults in your partner then you might succeed. Relationships take work and give and take. They do not come on a plate. They do not come without obligations and there is no such thing as a free lunch. Good relationships require respect between the parties but they do not have to be between equal people with equal interests.

    It is possible, as Azalea says, I've done these things and our partnership has survived through a few ups and downs. It is actually better now that I have a diagnosis as I can see how my traits have tested the relationship. Understanding the condition means I am less stressed and I am less irritating to be around! SWMBO also understands me better so it's a win-win so far.