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Aspergers or just doesn't give a fig...

Hotel california

Hi

I am struggling to understand the workings of my ex right now.  I like to think his callousness is because his aspergers prevents him from seeing the hurt he is causing rather than thinking he doesn't give a fig.  At least them it would seem a deliberate act on his part and something I could deal with.

anyway, he has recently had another child.  Our children have access to his social media website and it is full of gushing comments and photos of the half sibling.  There is never ever  any mention of our sons and any comments they post disappear rather quickly.  In fact I doubt many of his new circle of friends even know he has any other children.

It pains me to see him posting all these comments about his son that are then read by our sons, who never ever get a mention.  There are no pictures of our sons or comments about them, it's as if they don't exist in his new world.

I can't talk to my ex as he becomes extremely aggressive and doesn't see how favouring one child over his other children affects them.  Our sons have aspergers and although they have nothing against their half sibling I can see that they are hurt by how their father doesn't seem to give a fig about their feelings.  Our youngest didn't even get a birthday card or present last year.

I suppose I just wanted to know if this could be mindblindness or the signs of someone who as I said earlier doesn't give a fig.

Welcome your comments.

  • Ive read many of your comments about the x, and some of your replies to others relationship queries, and with respect, I wonder if your bitterness is a contributory factor to your x's behavour?

    I've never been in an intimate relationship, but if I had an x that constantly complained to/about me I would take strong steps to excise that person and anyone connected with them from my social reality, probably by seeking a restraining order... 

  • I don't agree when some people (I'm not saying you, just saying this as a general comment) say people on the autistic spectrum are agressive, and they are just agressive because of that.  Normally they are agressive because they are frustrated and with the right support it can be helped (maybe not gone altogether but reduced hopefully).  So, you shouldn't feel you can't express your concerns to him, or even a GP or social worker.  If you feel the agression, or anything else, concerns you then it's needs addressed, especially when children are involved.

  • No, pls. My intent was to help, and the remark purely speculative. Relationships are interactive and by modifying your behaviour, you can influence theirs. Please continue to post

  • Hi outraged

    I am quite shaken by your response but understand that this may have touched a nerve with you.

    I don't wish to upset readers so I will refrain from posting from now on.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    I think you have to treat him as a lost cause. It's very sad when a relationship fails but you don't have any power to change him and you don't have any responsibility to change him either.

    You can do things to make your children's lives better. Don't make your life miserable either. Pity your ex for his failings but try not to be angry. Anger will eat you up and it won't touch him. You have the moral high ground here so pity him rather than despising him. It isn't his fault, he didn't do it deliberately, turn your pity on him and look after your kids.

    :-)

  • Thanks for the replies.  It can be hard ignoring his behaviours as it has such a negative effect on our children.  When they miss  school because  they are sad about comments he posts such as their half sibling "is the most precious child in the whole world" it breaks my heart.  Has he no empathy whatsoever?

    I suppose I am angry because it is all so unnecessary and leaves scars that shouldn't be there.

  • Hotel California,

         My heart goes out to you, but at some point you are going to have to stop asking yourself questions you are unlikely to find the answers to.

    Clearly, irrespective of his commitments to your sons, he has some issues. Some modern families manage to intergrate siblings, but it's clear by his deletion of your sons comments, he struggles with this.

    Your priority is your boys. They will feel hurt, do your best to comfort them, and encourage them to accept that he has ways which are not always conventional or acceptable. 

    Don't put yourself in a position where he becomes aggressive toward you in an attempt to make him understand, It's not worth it.

    Take Care

    Coogybear

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    I guess that explains, but in no way excuses, his behaviour. It is a sad fact that undiagnosed aspies are most likely to get divorced if they manage to get married in the first place. He is probably living a chaotic life where things don't make sense and he is reacting to situations by taking easy choices when they come along. He is probably overwhelmed on a daily basis so won't manage to think of things like your youngest's birthday. I suspect you couldn't understand him and he couldn't understand you and that is why it has been reduced to shouting. He may well probably have a honeymoon period with his new partner before the cycle repeats itself.

    This is a similar question to the recent discussions here around "is it because he's 9 or because he's on the spectrum?.

    I think you need to talk to your sons and hope that they can understand some of what is happening. With their prior knowledge, of their condition, they can be confident that they won't end up repeating this particular situation.

    On top of his likely ASD you also have the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus question whereby men and women are always going to be different and hard for the opposite sex to figure out. That's a topic for another day though

    :-)

  • Years ago he said to his eldest that he scored highly on an asc test so thought he might have some traits but he never took it further.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Does he know and accept that he has Asperger's?