If you're told everything is your fault and you need to change, you are wrong etc does that mean it is?
If you're told everything is your fault and you need to change, you are wrong etc does that mean it is?
Its true this doesnt offer context for my lived experience and its hard to get over the picture in a rounded perspective, and I'm aware its kind of my view/perspective influence by what i'm told at the time. I often question myself and it's why I guess I find it easiee not to say anything or trust.
I also dont get the things are said one minute then you have to carry on the next. Things can cut deep and I don't find that easy to move on from. Also, what is said and what is meant? Communication is very confusing.
I dont think I portray myself to be always right but apparently not accepting I'm wrong means I do.
Apparently the things keep happening so they keep reacting . Although I see each thing singularly and not related, and I don't even see that some things should have caused a reaction. Now that I have got a diagnosis, it's not autism and im not really that bad, which I appreciate is probably true. Although I could maybe say that my standing in the wrong place could very well be not picking up on body language, or the social cues or expectation of the situation, . - the history of that being kids from a previous marriage being dropped off to me in a new relationship and I stood with them. A long time ago but is still relevant apparently.
When stressed I shut down. I don't say a lot face to face which is an annoyance. Then if I am aminate about something it is wrong especially if it is towards someone else. I do put boundaries up and do find it very hard to trust. I don't give reasons for my behaviour but that is annoying. I don't apologise for sitiations I didnt realise would cause a reaction. It really sounds toxic although when its allowed to be nice it seems nice. I dont know what to make of anything.
It definately dosen't, it definately does mean you're with the wrong person. Many people seem to have this fantasy idea of what a perfect partner is like, then they meet someone and then try and cram them into the fantasy. Then they wonder why it all goes horribly wrong, the partner can't fit into the fantasy because it's just that a fantasy, so they break up and start the whole sorry process all over again.
I think a lot of people think that those of us who are different in some way are at the same time exciting and intriging and that it's something we have a choice over. I am exciting and intriging and I can't stop being so when it's socially convienient for a partner, I refuse to stop, why should I change? If they can't cope with who I am, then why did they go out with me in the first place and why are they still with me?
If someone's doing all this stuff to you, get shot of them, compromise is one thing, but nobody should have to change the fundamentals of who and what they are. You'll tie yourself in knots over it, be walking on egg shells and constantly anxious that you're being embarassing. After doing all this, you still wont be good enough, everything will still be your fault, I used to list all the ridiculous things that could be my fault like the fall of Rome, plagues, world wars in an attempt to laugh it off, but I then realised that they were really serious and really did believe things were all my fault. It's a form of abuse and I believe coersive control, it's insideous and gets into places thats really hard to root it out from.
The person who's "fault" it is belongs to the person avoiding anything being about them, it will always be the fault of others.
Get away from this person and find someone who appreciates you for who and what you are.
No, it doesn't.
Iain, Marianne and Lonehare have already answered this well, so I will add what I can around the edges.
Your question doesn't offer context for your lived experience so I don't know whether this is one other person telling you this or the drip-drip of multiple people over time. Either way, I suspect it's hurting you.
If the context of these remarks is at at work and about rules you are breaking, then it's worth working out what is getting in the way. Work rules are mostly there for a valid reason and it's best to follow them.
I suspect though that you are writing about an interpersonal relationship.
Autistic folk like us are often 'gaslighted' about our own experiences and picked on because we approach things differently. This is poor behaviour and can sometimes constitute abuse.
Many of us try (too) hard to please people and don't have healthy boundaries that honour our own needs. When we have tried to implement better boundaries, find our 'no' or look to unmask, some of us have got a lot of pushback from our partners, even when the change is modest and explained beforehand. I have lived through this, and it is unhealthy.
If two people are working or living together, there are two sets of lived experience, strategies, styles and habits. For a relationship to work, there need to be compromises and accommodations by both people, and these evolve over time. When the relationship works well, you can achieve together more than you could separately.
Some people, especially when stressed or angry, are prone to generalising statements which use words like 'always', 'never', 'all' or 'nothing'. They don't stand up to logical analysis but do give an insight into the other person’s thinking.
If everything is your fault, you have to change and you are always wrong, then by deduction the other person is faultless, can just stay as they are and is always right. That is unhealthy and lazy thinking by them.
You deserve better, whilst playing your fair, equal part in your relationships.
Please take really good care of yourself.
Most definitely not true but when you hear it too many times it makes you believe it is true.
I know I have been incredibly vulnerable to manipulation in the past and I think being autistic made it easier for people to do this to me.
Everyone’s situation is unique though so without any background it’s hard to answer but sometimes it could be you just don’t align with that person but them saying it’s your fault and you are wrong is not kind and very unreasonable to blame you for everything.
I hope this helps. 
everything is your fault and you need to change
Iain's reply is excellent - but if I was in a certain mood I would say the same thing back to this person [this is called 'mirroring'] and see how they like being on the receiving end of such negativity. Nothing is ever completely one person's fault [unless one of them is a psychopath] but this 'blaming' is scapegoating and happens a lot in stressful environments such as, work, love relationships, bad neighbourhoods. So, my succinct answer to your question is, no.
If you're told everything is your fault and you need to change, you are wrong etc does that mean it is?
This is very much subject to the view of the person(s) involved - rarely is is only one side,
Typically for autists is stems from us not taking the time to learn the rules of how relationships work and looking for the unspoken signals that most NTs can pick up on instinctively.
There are plenty of books out there that explain how these things work.
Of course it would be ideal if the other partner would learn about our autism and adapt their communication style to help us understand where things are not going the way that they want or if you upset them inadvertenty etc.
In reality this will rarely happen in my experience (and from what others have described on this site) so my advice would be to learn what is going on, try to watch for the signs that something is expected or has gone wrong and develop ways to respond to these things
Yes it is hard work but if you really want the relationship then I believe you have to do the work to make it a success.
In the short term it may be worth asking what you are doing wrong, how you can do things differently and it you think the ask is reasonable then do it.
In our default format autists are hard work for NTs to deal with and are often frustrating because of some of our autistic traits. They typically want someone who "just gets it" and who is capable of reading the situation well. You can learn to be this person if you want to but it won't be fast, it probably won't be easy and you have to decide if the other person is really worth all the effort and change if they are not making the same effort themselves.
I hope that helps put things in context for you.
