• Replies 6 replies
  • Subscribers 28 subscribers
  • Views 1084 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

My imaginary baby daughter

LivAgain

Hi everyone,

I feel like I can share this with you all; I've got no one else to turn to apart from my family, and I love them so much but they can't understand.

I have struggled very, very badly with low mood recently (I get these phases; it's always been a bit like that) and have felt suicidal. Two nights ago, I became very distressed and felt as though my mind was shattering. I was sobbing, "I wish I could start again!" meaning that I wished I could wipe away my life as I know it, and go back to the very beginning of my life, and grow to be an NT. I know it doesn't work like that, but I can't help but wrestle with these thoughts.

Lying there in the dark, I racked my brain for strategies, anything, and remembered the one useful thing I learnt on my one and only school camping trip - "Use your resources". I have depended on imagination an awful lot throughout my life, and so used my imagination to attempt to create a way in which I could start again. So I created a baby, my baby, who I was blessed with and carried inside me. A little girl. Alathea Celeste. I don't actually have a special interest in babies (I don't have a special interest in anything since I started to use sertraline) I just think they symbolise the unfurling of new life.

She will grow to be everything I want to be. She is my new life. This is the only way I can go back to the beginning.

Has anyone else done anything similar?

  • Hi Hope,

    Funnily enough, I absolutely hated my childhood! I've always had funny moods and I've had a tendency to get low (as in having quite destructive suicidal thoughts) from a very young age. I'm in a better place now than I was when I was small (such as in Year 6, which was very probably one of the worst years of my life!) but I've still got a way to go.

    I know it sounds cliched, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. I know there's little I can say that will make you feel better, but you've always got us! I sincerely hope that you get everything you've dreamt of for all these years. 

    Lots of love xx

  • Hi misskittykat, 

    I have actually got on very well with sertraline on the whole; a lot of people seem to have negative experiences with it but it's been good for me. It was particularly good at the beginning, however it doesn't feel as though it's been so effective particularly recently. Also, I started behaving quite manically when I was put on a higher dose (which, aside from the manic behaviour, was the best dose for me because my ruminations were much, much easier to manage, but I can't have that dose again as I started shopping last time and caused my family some marginal worry) so I completely respect that no medication is perfect.

    I'm not worried about my little girl as I know that she's imaginary; there's nothing delusional about it. It's like you say about disappearing into your own world - however, fundamentally you know that it's your own world. It doesn't affect my ability to live in the real world; I just really wanted to discuss Alathea with people who would understand.

    I hope your daughter is doing well. Hugs right back at you! xx

    PS NT stands for neurotypical, i.e. someone who isn't on the spectrum. Smile

  • Hi,

    Actually, I'm under a psychiatrist. We've discussed things like suicidal moods etc. (I don't see any point in withholding information from someone who is trying to help you) and he's concerned about the possibility that I may have bipolar as well as ASC. So I am getting professional support. But thank you very much for the advice! Smile

  • Hi LivAgain 

    Have you discussed any of these feelings with your GP at all? They may be able to offer you some support with what you're going through. 

  • Hi Liv

    (((hugs))) 

    Just an aside, my daughter was on sertraline but I had to take her off it because it turned her into a zombie with no interest in anything but sleep and food :-(

    I am what you call NT (I can never remember what it means but have seen it used a lot for non ASD peeps) but I can really relate to your imaginary baby.  I used to do this a lot.  I always had some sort of other life going on in my head.  I think it started in my childhood (I was a shy child and liked to be alone) but carried on into my thirties when I had a partner and child.  I'd often go to bed early, put some headphones and music on and go into my other world.  On reflection now, I think I did it out of loneliness, certainly in my latter years with my partner, I was very lonely.  I don't do it anymore.

    I don't think it is anything to worry about as long as it doesn't impact on your 'real life' and if it helps to relax you, even better.

  • I have not done what you describe, but I do think an awful lot about my childhood and have vivid dreams of being a child again. The best year of my life was year 6 at primary school because I had a nice teacher, and we studied the human body - my favourite topic. I loved school so much that I hated the weekends, but things went downhill at secondary school.

    I miss childhood holidays, the relative lack of worry, and I still don't feel fully adult at almost 27 years old!. I have never had a partner or any meaningful friendships; the closest I came to the latter was in year 6 at primary school. I befriended a girl in my class, and we said that when we were older, we would live together and have babies. This would all happen by the time we were 20, which seems a huge age when you are only 10. The future at that age seemed infinite, and anything seems possible. But now, as an adult, I am still waiting for it all to happen (partner, baby, home, good job), but because of my Asperger's, I might have to accept that these things will never happen. I still hope that they will, but I do not have the skills to instigate a relationship. This would not be so upsetting if I did not want the above things, but I do, badly.