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My imaginary baby daughter

LivAgain

Hi everyone,

I feel like I can share this with you all; I've got no one else to turn to apart from my family, and I love them so much but they can't understand.

I have struggled very, very badly with low mood recently (I get these phases; it's always been a bit like that) and have felt suicidal. Two nights ago, I became very distressed and felt as though my mind was shattering. I was sobbing, "I wish I could start again!" meaning that I wished I could wipe away my life as I know it, and go back to the very beginning of my life, and grow to be an NT. I know it doesn't work like that, but I can't help but wrestle with these thoughts.

Lying there in the dark, I racked my brain for strategies, anything, and remembered the one useful thing I learnt on my one and only school camping trip - "Use your resources". I have depended on imagination an awful lot throughout my life, and so used my imagination to attempt to create a way in which I could start again. So I created a baby, my baby, who I was blessed with and carried inside me. A little girl. Alathea Celeste. I don't actually have a special interest in babies (I don't have a special interest in anything since I started to use sertraline) I just think they symbolise the unfurling of new life.

She will grow to be everything I want to be. She is my new life. This is the only way I can go back to the beginning.

Has anyone else done anything similar?

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  • Hi misskittykat, 

    I have actually got on very well with sertraline on the whole; a lot of people seem to have negative experiences with it but it's been good for me. It was particularly good at the beginning, however it doesn't feel as though it's been so effective particularly recently. Also, I started behaving quite manically when I was put on a higher dose (which, aside from the manic behaviour, was the best dose for me because my ruminations were much, much easier to manage, but I can't have that dose again as I started shopping last time and caused my family some marginal worry) so I completely respect that no medication is perfect.

    I'm not worried about my little girl as I know that she's imaginary; there's nothing delusional about it. It's like you say about disappearing into your own world - however, fundamentally you know that it's your own world. It doesn't affect my ability to live in the real world; I just really wanted to discuss Alathea with people who would understand.

    I hope your daughter is doing well. Hugs right back at you! xx

    PS NT stands for neurotypical, i.e. someone who isn't on the spectrum. Smile

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  • Hi misskittykat, 

    I have actually got on very well with sertraline on the whole; a lot of people seem to have negative experiences with it but it's been good for me. It was particularly good at the beginning, however it doesn't feel as though it's been so effective particularly recently. Also, I started behaving quite manically when I was put on a higher dose (which, aside from the manic behaviour, was the best dose for me because my ruminations were much, much easier to manage, but I can't have that dose again as I started shopping last time and caused my family some marginal worry) so I completely respect that no medication is perfect.

    I'm not worried about my little girl as I know that she's imaginary; there's nothing delusional about it. It's like you say about disappearing into your own world - however, fundamentally you know that it's your own world. It doesn't affect my ability to live in the real world; I just really wanted to discuss Alathea with people who would understand.

    I hope your daughter is doing well. Hugs right back at you! xx

    PS NT stands for neurotypical, i.e. someone who isn't on the spectrum. Smile

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