Hi everyone,
I feel like I can share this with you all; I've got no one else to turn to apart from my family, and I love them so much but they can't understand.
I have struggled very, very badly with low mood recently (I get these phases; it's always been a bit like that) and have felt suicidal. Two nights ago, I became very distressed and felt as though my mind was shattering. I was sobbing, "I wish I could start again!" meaning that I wished I could wipe away my life as I know it, and go back to the very beginning of my life, and grow to be an NT. I know it doesn't work like that, but I can't help but wrestle with these thoughts.
Lying there in the dark, I racked my brain for strategies, anything, and remembered the one useful thing I learnt on my one and only school camping trip - "Use your resources". I have depended on imagination an awful lot throughout my life, and so used my imagination to attempt to create a way in which I could start again. So I created a baby, my baby, who I was blessed with and carried inside me. A little girl. Alathea Celeste. I don't actually have a special interest in babies (I don't have a special interest in anything since I started to use sertraline) I just think they symbolise the unfurling of new life.
She will grow to be everything I want to be. She is my new life. This is the only way I can go back to the beginning.
Has anyone else done anything similar?
