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My imaginary baby daughter

LivAgain

Hi everyone,

I feel like I can share this with you all; I've got no one else to turn to apart from my family, and I love them so much but they can't understand.

I have struggled very, very badly with low mood recently (I get these phases; it's always been a bit like that) and have felt suicidal. Two nights ago, I became very distressed and felt as though my mind was shattering. I was sobbing, "I wish I could start again!" meaning that I wished I could wipe away my life as I know it, and go back to the very beginning of my life, and grow to be an NT. I know it doesn't work like that, but I can't help but wrestle with these thoughts.

Lying there in the dark, I racked my brain for strategies, anything, and remembered the one useful thing I learnt on my one and only school camping trip - "Use your resources". I have depended on imagination an awful lot throughout my life, and so used my imagination to attempt to create a way in which I could start again. So I created a baby, my baby, who I was blessed with and carried inside me. A little girl. Alathea Celeste. I don't actually have a special interest in babies (I don't have a special interest in anything since I started to use sertraline) I just think they symbolise the unfurling of new life.

She will grow to be everything I want to be. She is my new life. This is the only way I can go back to the beginning.

Has anyone else done anything similar?

Parents

  • Hi Liv

    (((hugs))) 

    Just an aside, my daughter was on sertraline but I had to take her off it because it turned her into a zombie with no interest in anything but sleep and food :-(

    I am what you call NT (I can never remember what it means but have seen it used a lot for non ASD peeps) but I can really relate to your imaginary baby.  I used to do this a lot.  I always had some sort of other life going on in my head.  I think it started in my childhood (I was a shy child and liked to be alone) but carried on into my thirties when I had a partner and child.  I'd often go to bed early, put some headphones and music on and go into my other world.  On reflection now, I think I did it out of loneliness, certainly in my latter years with my partner, I was very lonely.  I don't do it anymore.

    I don't think it is anything to worry about as long as it doesn't impact on your 'real life' and if it helps to relax you, even better.

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  • Hi Liv

    (((hugs))) 

    Just an aside, my daughter was on sertraline but I had to take her off it because it turned her into a zombie with no interest in anything but sleep and food :-(

    I am what you call NT (I can never remember what it means but have seen it used a lot for non ASD peeps) but I can really relate to your imaginary baby.  I used to do this a lot.  I always had some sort of other life going on in my head.  I think it started in my childhood (I was a shy child and liked to be alone) but carried on into my thirties when I had a partner and child.  I'd often go to bed early, put some headphones and music on and go into my other world.  On reflection now, I think I did it out of loneliness, certainly in my latter years with my partner, I was very lonely.  I don't do it anymore.

    I don't think it is anything to worry about as long as it doesn't impact on your 'real life' and if it helps to relax you, even better.

Children
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