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My imaginary baby daughter

LivAgain

Hi everyone,

I feel like I can share this with you all; I've got no one else to turn to apart from my family, and I love them so much but they can't understand.

I have struggled very, very badly with low mood recently (I get these phases; it's always been a bit like that) and have felt suicidal. Two nights ago, I became very distressed and felt as though my mind was shattering. I was sobbing, "I wish I could start again!" meaning that I wished I could wipe away my life as I know it, and go back to the very beginning of my life, and grow to be an NT. I know it doesn't work like that, but I can't help but wrestle with these thoughts.

Lying there in the dark, I racked my brain for strategies, anything, and remembered the one useful thing I learnt on my one and only school camping trip - "Use your resources". I have depended on imagination an awful lot throughout my life, and so used my imagination to attempt to create a way in which I could start again. So I created a baby, my baby, who I was blessed with and carried inside me. A little girl. Alathea Celeste. I don't actually have a special interest in babies (I don't have a special interest in anything since I started to use sertraline) I just think they symbolise the unfurling of new life.

She will grow to be everything I want to be. She is my new life. This is the only way I can go back to the beginning.

Has anyone else done anything similar?

Parents

  • I have not done what you describe, but I do think an awful lot about my childhood and have vivid dreams of being a child again. The best year of my life was year 6 at primary school because I had a nice teacher, and we studied the human body - my favourite topic. I loved school so much that I hated the weekends, but things went downhill at secondary school.

    I miss childhood holidays, the relative lack of worry, and I still don't feel fully adult at almost 27 years old!. I have never had a partner or any meaningful friendships; the closest I came to the latter was in year 6 at primary school. I befriended a girl in my class, and we said that when we were older, we would live together and have babies. This would all happen by the time we were 20, which seems a huge age when you are only 10. The future at that age seemed infinite, and anything seems possible. But now, as an adult, I am still waiting for it all to happen (partner, baby, home, good job), but because of my Asperger's, I might have to accept that these things will never happen. I still hope that they will, but I do not have the skills to instigate a relationship. This would not be so upsetting if I did not want the above things, but I do, badly.

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  • I have not done what you describe, but I do think an awful lot about my childhood and have vivid dreams of being a child again. The best year of my life was year 6 at primary school because I had a nice teacher, and we studied the human body - my favourite topic. I loved school so much that I hated the weekends, but things went downhill at secondary school.

    I miss childhood holidays, the relative lack of worry, and I still don't feel fully adult at almost 27 years old!. I have never had a partner or any meaningful friendships; the closest I came to the latter was in year 6 at primary school. I befriended a girl in my class, and we said that when we were older, we would live together and have babies. This would all happen by the time we were 20, which seems a huge age when you are only 10. The future at that age seemed infinite, and anything seems possible. But now, as an adult, I am still waiting for it all to happen (partner, baby, home, good job), but because of my Asperger's, I might have to accept that these things will never happen. I still hope that they will, but I do not have the skills to instigate a relationship. This would not be so upsetting if I did not want the above things, but I do, badly.

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