Damned with faint praise and praised with faint damns

It will be non fiction, I can't write fiction to save my life!

I'm not at all goal orrientated, over the years this has given me a load of trouble, people expect goal orrientation and the level of competitiveness that seems to go with it. I do things because I want too, because I'm interested and allow my interests and ideas to grow organically. I rememver having quite a spat with my special needs tutor at uni because I really didn't care if I got a 1st or a 3rd, she thought I'd get a sense of achievement if I got a first, I couldn't really get it through to her that a sense of achievement is something I've very rarely experienced and I'm just learning now to start being pleased with things I've done and that people aren't going to take it away from me. I learnt over the years not to have any attatchment to things, projects, possessions or anything really, because it seems like a magnet for others snatch them away from me. It's good not to have undue attatchments from a spiritual perspective, conversations with Bhuddists have been interesting, because I seem to just do naturally what they struggle with, but it's very hard to have any sense of ownership of things or ideas.

I think people think that because I'm not competitive or goal orrientated that I don't care, that I'm not capable  of caring.

I'm interested that others think I should consider publication and are encouraging me to do it. I wouldn't know where to begin? To be honest the idea of publication scares me, all the childhood memories of being told not to make an exhibition of myself, who do I think I am? AS well as the ears of it being taken away from me and made to fit other peoples expectations of how it should be, if I came under that sort of pressure I would just walk away, I've done this sort of thing before, people have accused me of inflexibility and of being precious, whereas I think, you don't get to change the goal posts like that.

Honestly acknowledging that I think differently to others is still quite new for me! For a long time I often struggled and put myself under pressure (and experienced a lot of pain) because I have always felt the need to try so hard...

I really feel that one of the best things we can do is be true to ourselves.

Writing, especially if we are deeply connected to a subject is a great idea - when you are ready I would really encourage you to consider online publication of nothing else 

I have quite an obsession with routine and planning, and for me having some form of end goal is very helpful. Unfortunately I also struggle with when I get pulled into a subject or theme I also really struggle to put things down until I have finished. So I am trying to be more aware that this is probably not the best trait! As it is quite all consuming, tiring and exhaustive - so may not be good for everyone...

I hope the book goes well and would love to have a read whenever you are ready.

Hope you have a great day :)

TheCatWoman said:

My thinking is, somebody writes books, why not me, it's not like I haven't read enough on he subjects I'm writing about.

I have no doubt!  Accordingly, I would be interested to read your book, if you were to make it available.  I'm guess something 'historical / fact' based?....but even if it was fiction.....I would be interested to read it.  My thinking is..."CatWoman has a good brain, so she will probably write a good book."  [Disambiguation - generally, I don't read fiction....but I'd make an exception for your book.]

Yours, supportively,

Number.

I'm not expecting any financial profit at all and I'm not upset exactly, I'm disapointed and a bit bemused. Other people are weird, especially NT's.

Thinking differently from others is what us autists do, it's why we're always in the awkward squad, get told off at school for pointing out how ridiculous what we're being taught is and not understanding why nobody else questions it.

My thinking is, somebody writes books, why not me, it's not like I haven't read enough on he subjects I'm writing about.

One of the things I want to thank you people for, is your support, for agreeing with me about why not me?

Hi catwoman.

It’s disheartening when people you expect support from don’t respond in the way you hope. I know how crushing that can be. It sounds like your friends might not fully understand the value and importance of writing, especially when it’s driven by personal passion rather than commercial ambition. People often have their own preconceived notions about what is “acceptable” for others to pursue based on their backgrounds, especially when it comes to something like writing, even if it’s not meant in a hurtful way it can definitely come across in such a way.

I think your decision to write for pleasure instead of just profit is absolutely valid and deserves recognition, regardless of what others think. Keep focusing on your passion and the support from your family—it’s great that they encourage you! Try not to let the ones who didn’t encourage you play on your mind. Writing is a journey that you’re taking for yourself, and that is something to be proud of. Let the negativity roll off your back, and remember that the most important approval comes from within. I like to do writing as well and I hope yours goes well and you continue to enjoy it!

Your two first paragraphs are exactly my experience too. It's always "you should ask for help" but rarely does anyone then actually help. 

I've been told repeatedly that, instead trying to help solve a problem, I should hold my tongue and just listen. That seems bizarre to me, when I happen to know a bunch of solutions that might help. If you're unhappy because of the problem, and I offer my time and effort solve it with you, then that'll stop you being unhappy about it, won't it? That's how I show I care. 

And when I have a problem, people hardly ever offer their time and energy to help me solve it. I WANT help, that's why I'm sharing my problem. I don't want to hear "there there, how sad". Even if a solution offered doesn't work, I still feel you care by making the effort to come up with it. Not sure if that falls within "double empathy", but there you go. :-S :-)

I just googled "Pelagianism" by the way XD

Despite us being,  what I think, is quite different, a lot of the sentiments around what you said just then resonates. I have learned to work my mind and self around these matters.

Enjoying research is what matters. I personally think it's a positive you have the focus and aptitude to do it.

Yeah ignore the nah sayers

I Have been writing poetry recently when I am struggling or down - it has been quite effective at helping me to relax, if only by focusing on something else.

You could always consider publishing online, at least that way it is outthere in the stratosphere so to speak...

The topic sounds interesting too - might not be to everyone's taste but what is it they say about please inhaler people all the time... so I never try to.

It can be really frustrating when people try and take over, especially when they know (or appear to) less than you. That really gets me and was a challenge I often encountered when I did more charity work - not sure what the remedy is tbh, though I am sure it helps to talk about it and let it out...

I gave realised something recently that I have started to suffer more explosions rather than implosions when being frustrated. Which is something I want to reverse - I can be extremely direct and articulate at times, which often leaves me feeling awkward, bad and a little like wanting to hide away...

Although it has never been a key focus (as when I start doing something I can be so single minded it is literally hard for me to think about anything else until I have finished something It can be satisfying when you prove people wrong in the end...

I want to write partly because I miss formal study, I loved uni and didn't want it to end, so the book idea is a way to keep up my interest, researching the answers to questions, finding new questions, interogating questions etc.

My book is about some of the things that get glossed over in normal history books on the late Roman and Anglo Saxon and Norse periods, the section I'm researching now is why we know/hear so little about the Christianity of the Romano British and why they didn't try and convert the Anglo-Saxons. The information is there and I'm slowly untangling some and it's fascinating, or it is to me any way, I know for those not interested in that period of history would find it yawn worthy.

I'm not planing on publication, it's expensive to do privately and I haven't got the patience to go touting around agents who rarely read random manuscripts they're sent anyway., I will email it to anyone interested when its finished.

The friend who kept finding me bits and pieces to include wasn't being helpful, he was being a bit controlling and hadn't listened to what I said about what I want to write about, we taked about it last night and he poo poo-ed it, looked it up on wikipedia and found that I was right and has now decided it might be interesting.

I'm not letting the negativity stop me from doing what I want to do, I can be quite intransigent when I want to be, which is actually most of the time. It would just be nice to have a little more interest from those around me and not have back of an envelope calculations shoved at me to show why what I want to do is to expensive, to time consuming  and stuff like that. This is a long running issue through my life, people telling me all the things I can't do, when actually what they mean is they can't do them. Why can't i do a load of different things, even if they are all different?

Hey Catwoman! 

Sometimes we just need to breath out the negative and breath in the hope and aspirations!

May sound a tad corny but I am what would be considered working class. I also dropped out of college at 17 and don't really have any formal qualifications per say...

However, in a few different organisations and for well over 10 years I did a lot of charity work - I ended up being able to speak in a couple of Parliaments and with no formal qualifications ended up as a communication director for a while! You never know where you life with lead you! At the start of all my journeys I have always faced criticism and negativity. 

Often, because of my struggles I found myself working much harder than anyone else, but it also brought some positives. I can be quite obsessive at times and when I focus on something it is (really) hard for me to let go, relax or do anything else when I am in the middle of something. Plus I can get quite frustrated when things don't go my way (just showing it is not always easy...) but often the only time I am really happy is when I am really focusing in something...

Writing can be really therapeutic and allow you to express yourself. If you don't mind me saying, try not to focus your attention on the reaction but rather what you are working on - things come in ebb and flows. Sometimes inspiration hits regularly and others it comes in drabs and pauses - keep going, you never know where it will lead you :)

I also saw a YouTube video a few days ago, from someone with Asperger's, who spoke about feeling frustrated when they felt like they were not being heard. It hit me like a ton of bricks I can tell you. I resonated with it a lot. Some of the things he shared really hit home to me, and it sounds a bit like that...

I am very new to this community, and accepting that I am autistic in general. One thing I have been pondering is how and to what extent I really think differently from others - I actually don't know the answer! But I think it is OK to think differently and try different things - if you sense you should or could be writing more I say do it! What do you have to loose? At worst it will be a new experience and you may end up really liking what you write

Terrific! Good for you! I would celebrate anyone of most people I know who might begin to write a book, but I may be biased as your subject matter is of interest to me. I don’t know why your friends might respond negatively. Perhaps, the friend who suggested what to write was excited and just got carried away by your plans and wanted to be involved in your project, even if their material isn’t relevant. From what you say, it doesn’t sound as if the friend wasn’t supportive, but as a fellow autist, I’m not the right person to assess the reality of the situation. Sometimes it’s the people nearest us who discount plans to do a big project such as writing a book. Maybe they can’t understand how anyone can do something like write a book, that to them seems unobtainable, and on top of that, just be doing it for themselves. Your subject could be considered geeky and people could judt not know what to say. Hopefully, when you finish your book, they might respond differently. Are you going to get it printed out with a nice binding?  It would be interesting to see their response if they saw a tangible copy of the finished product.

I think one of the hardest things is that I'm expected to be excited about their stuff and give them some feedback and positivity or empathy, but I rarely get it back, friendships often seem so onesided and people wonder why I rarely bother? I get so much more back from books and animals.

I've been told quite often that I should ask for help more often or sooner, I don't ask for help until I'm at the end of my resources or I know I can't do something, like plumbing or electrics, the thing is I've been told I'm so resourceful I could teach them (the pain clinic) something, or when I do ask for help there's no one around or no one does the sort of help I'm looking for!

Being a woman of my age I'm used to saying things that are ignored until a man says it  and then it's suddenly a womderful idea.

I am enjoying my research, I'm onto early British Christianity and I think I may have some answers to my questions already on of them being Pelagianism!

I think that's why I never get the expected response, as the one I expect is the one "they" get

Yes and if SOMEONE ELSE were to say the exact same thing there'd be lots of fuss!!!

I quite often find things I announce feel like they've fallen on deaf ears or not got the response I'd have expected.

Don't take it as negative, it's usually not a reflection of you or any underlying negativity from others.

And above all , good luck with the book! I hope you enjoy researching and writing it!

TheCatWoman said:

t having that sort of engagement

Yes I agree this is a good thing, especially when it comes to our interests, as often they can be lone pursuits. I think some of it, is needing another person to enjoy the enthusiasm with - regardless of if it's something they are interested in. Or critical discussions. If they're a friend or whatever, why can't they be enthused on our behalf because it's something we are enthused about in itself (ie reflection of emotion rather than the content of the interest). ie a bit of oomph back! But just as I wouldn't want someone to expect me to be something I'm not, I try and do the same with others. Being too self sufficient CERTAINLY doesn't seem a bad thing.

Yes - this resonates with me.....and for what its worth.....my experiences suggest that hostility is not normally underlying.

TheCatWoman said:

I feel like theres some borderline hostility going on and it's really confusing me

I get this feeling quite a bit - often - too.......but I am normally proved wrong and I find that it is confirmed that "frankly, we just don't care, it's nothing personal, we just are not interested in that thing that you are obviously really pleased/excited/interested in."

I have become hardened to it, generally......except when it is something that REALLY matters to me.

I do hope you enjoy writing your book, and I wish you only happiness and satisfaction with it.

I've learned not to expect external validation and certainly not to be attached to it, so almost all of what I do is for me, with the exception of the vast amounts of jams, pickles, chutney's and ketchups I make every year, most of those are for other people and I think my kids and step kids would think I've stopped loving them if I didn't do these things every year.

But, it was one of the things I enjoyed about uni, the feed back, not that everything I wrote was always good, but having that sort of engagement, I know I'm not going to get it anywhere else, but just some little bit of encouragement and positivity, rather than it falling into nothingness. There are times when it's hard not to feel like my own ghost, that I'm haunting life rather than living it, because there's so little external validation of my existance, but Ye Gods, do I get all the blame and negativity piled an me, the eternal scapegoat. Thats a game I'm learning not to play anymore, handing back the wrongs that aren't mine.

I am quite a strong person, I've had to be, but there are times when I wonder if I'm to strong for my own good, to self sufficient for my own good and if I shouldn't be more demanding of others?

It's difficult when we are met with that reaction by people we care about but this is exoecting something of others.....which can often end in disappointment!  Forgive me, but you don't strike me as someone who needs validation from others to do something. Yes I know, interest would be nice but quite often our interests are niche in comparison with the majority. I have wondered at times if my own interests and activities are self indulgent because they do not produce anything of substance but learning is joy.  For what it's worth I think it's a most worthwhile endeavour, whether or not it leads to publication because you are doing it for yourself.  Which is what it's all about!