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I can't stop feeling jealous of my NT sisters

LivAgain

Hi all,

I'm 17 and have Asperger's, and I have two younger sisters, one 14 (15 in May) and one who has just turned 13. They are both NT, and therefore I see them having "normal" teenage lives (the 14-year-old is nauseatingly attractive, popular, clever and has a wonderful singing voice; she has even begun to be asked out by boys, and the 13-year-old is the most socially intelligent person I have ever met and treats me like I'm stupid and snaps at me) and I feel very inadequate. I saw my sister beautifully dressed to go to a party last night and went to bed and cried and cried because I feel so lonely and so cheated. My parents often say to me: "Well, you don't want to go to parties, Liv," and it's true; I don't, but I so want to be the person who does. I feel useless and fed up; I try so hard to fit in every day but, as soon as I start to feel more comfortable with myself, something seems to come along and reinforce that I never will go to parties or have NT friendships or boyfriends (not that any boy would want me even if I was NT as I'm not good looking). I know it's pointless and a victim attitude, but I can't seem to change how I feel. Also, I get the idea that my sisters are ashamed of me - maybe it's just my perception, but perception feels like reality, doesn't it? - as they often don't talk to me and go off together discussing things I can't relate to. I feel guilty that I can't relate to them, and guilty that I haven't been able to fufil the "big sister role"; it feels very demeaning that they are younger and blossoming into beautiful young women, and I'm stuck in this backwards little-girlhood, unable to give big-sisterly advice or support re boys or friendship fallouts, because I've never been through it. I do see the positives in this as it can be traumatic, but I see there as being so many more fun carefree times being pretty and respected in school, and I've never experienced it; when I was their age, the only real interactions I had with my peers were when they were bullying or "just teasing" me. I'm only making things worse by being jealous and self-indulgent, I know, but not being jealous is easier said than done, and I try to ignore the loneliness but I get so depressed sometimes - I can't always keep it at bay.

I'm sorry for such a maudlin post, but it's helpful to get these feelings out.

Liv x

  • Hi,

    Keep talking!!  My son has aspergers, and I can see him stood there talking, echoing your words.  Have you thought about asking to talk to someone at CAMHS or the school counselor.  My son has just been started on some tablets to help him cope with his feelings and anxieties, and talks to someone at CAMHS, and has just begun to laugh again and to quote him he "doesn't feel like he is living in hell any more".  Talk to your parents too, I know you feel that you are not worth anything, but as a mum I can tell you you are, and that your parents will want to help and support you.

    It will get better I promise!! Just hold on and keep talking.

  • Hi Liv

    there are some wise words here and LeedsStar's quote is brilliant.

    I just wanted to say that your parents love you and any hurt that has been caused in the past is long forgotten.  My own daughter (13) is always apologising to me for the times, she's sworn, kicked, thumped and bit me but I have to apologise straight back because I didn't handle it as well as I could have done.  I feel so much guilt for that, just as she does, but those times have gone and we need to look to the future.

    You sound like an amazing girl (one that any parent would be proud to have) and very perceptive.  As an NT, I was not disimilar to yourself as a teenage.  I had few friends, was very shy and never went to the disco's and youth club.  I preferred to stay home and read or listen to music.  Friends came later in life and although I did the clubbing scene for a while, I was never comfortable and I came to the conclusion that it is just a way of people preening themselves, trying to make themselves look good/funny/popular and trying to attract a mate.  Real friends take time to make.  My best friends are a group of ladies that I met on the internet while we were all pregnant.  We don't meet up face to face more than once a year but they are good friends and we email each other most days.  They are invaluable as friends.  Our common interest was obviously our pregnancies and then our babies but there may be similar communities out there that mirror your own interests?  

    Ps - I've always been jealous of my older sister - she's always been so confident and always looked so fashionable but as we've grown up, I've realised she has her own insecurities.

  • I think when you're at school, it sometimes feel like a competition. It's not just looks, but it's almost like you're all in competition, feeling like someone else is prettier, or is more popular, or has better talent, or is funnier or more outgoing. I honestly don't feel that I found myself until I left school. I went to college, and people didn't know me, so it was like a clean slate. School isn't always the easiest of places, and it can be a difficult age. I can guarantee you that it won't always be like this. You may not be destined to be the outgoing type, or the funny type, or the party type, but that's OK, because that's not what everyone wants in life. People who are worth your friendship, will get to know you, and will appreciate you for what you are. I do wonder if your biggest problem is accepting yourself, and possibly you need to concentrate on your strengths. Maybe one day you'll be a writer and can share your stories, and bring joy to others, through your work. Concentrate on what you're good at, not what you aren't. 

    There's a famous quote that I love '

    Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.' 

  • Thank you so much for your reply. I'm really worried I've made myself sound a bit shallow! It's not really the prettiness that bothers me...just that their social lives highlight my loneliness. I do have hobbies - creative writing and I'm in the musical theatre club at school (but I don't enjoy it as my sister is far more respected there than I am, by both teachers and pupils alike. This girl in my year said to her one session, "You're sooo hilarious. I keep forgetting you and Olivia are related." I don't belong to the clique at all.)

    As for making an effort with my appearance - I have a lot of different products I could use and my mum keeps offering to do my eyebrows but I just don't feel like I'm worth it a lot of the time, or I find it physically uncomfortable. But, like I said, it's not REALLY appearance that bothers me, just that I'm depressed and friendless. Also, my sisters do have their own insecurities as all teenagers do but this makes me feel angry, like, "You've got everything I want, why can't you appreciate it?" It's what I always tell people to do - appreciate their friends, because some of us can't make them. I wish I could change this too, but I can't. Sometimes I think I'm weak and pathetic. Frown

  • Thank you so much for your reply! It sounds like your son has a great mum. Smile I have great parents too, but I don't make them happy. I've hurt them horribly over the years with everything we've been through as a family. I'm not worried about pretty, I'm not worried about being loved...yet I am. I want to be the person who is. It's so confusing, and it gets me down so much.

  • There's nothing wrong with being different. My autistic son is 'different' and has never been like his peers. He's the most wonderful person, and so quirky. His little obsessions, his use of big words, just the way his mind works. I wouldn't have him any other way, he's perfect to me. I'm sure your family feel the same about you, and your insecurities are just yours. I'm not pretty, I'm not thin, and I don't care. My partner loves me for me, and I'm glad I know he's not just after arm candy. Someone, at some point, maybe soon, maybe in a few years, will love you for you. Sometimes it may seem like everyone else has it better or easier, but trust me, everyone has their insecurities. You just need to find your strengths in life, and be proud of who you are x 

  • Hi LivAgain,

    Nearly in tears reading that. I can relate to the not fitting in as a teen. I ended up embracing being different - rebeling against the in crowd. I didn't have t'interweb until I went away to uni and then you had to be on campus to access it and it envolved mixing with people to access what was a short supply high demand thing. So, what i'm trying to get around to saying is that at least you have the internet - forums like this - to come and offload. It's a big part of what these online communities are about; mutual support. Which often boils down to someone who understands is listening (reading) to you share.

    So long as it makes you feel better, keep offloading!

    All the best,

    soldersplash

  • You would think that pretty girls have it all, but a psychologist once said to me it's the prettiest ones that often have the most problems.  Being pretty means they have to maintain it and keep it up, being pretty means they may be judged as being airheads, being pretty means boys will only be after one thing most of the time, being pretty means they will get a lot of jealousy from other girls which can cause bullying.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html

    http://intentious.com/2012/04/04/the-downsides-to-looking-pretty-discrimination-against-beautiful-women/

    http://ms-jd.org/blog/article/when-other-women-hate-you-because-you039re-beautiful

    Instead of focusing on what they have got that you perceive you haven't, focus on what you do have.  If your goal is to look more attractive, are you making the most of your appearance?  The right haircut can make a pretty big difference.  Also, salons can do your eyebrows for you if you aren't experienced or feel able to do them yourself. Experiment with a little bit of make-up, YouTube has a wealth of videos in how to apply it.  Are you wearing the best clothes for your physique?  It doesn't have to be the latest fashion as long as it looks good on you.  If you wear glasses and you feel they hide your looks you could get contact lenses.

    You must have some talents even if you haven't identified them yet.  You could try some hobbies, join some clubs based on those hobbies and maybe get some more socialising going that way.  For an Aspie, talking around your interest will be easier than just social chit-chat for the sake of it.

    There might be things about you that your sisters envy, or will one day even if they don't know.  When they have done their partying and have a string of broken hearts they will see there is more to life than that.  At the moment, they are at that teenage stage where everything is embarrassing to them and sadly, if they feel you aren't as cool as them this would include you when out and about, but this doesn't mean they don't love you dearly.  It's like teenagers hating being out with their parents or anything parent-related being uncool, but they love their parents and need them.

    Just think through what you do have, and start from there.  Everyone has good points and the grass is always greener (which means it likely is for your sisters too).