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I can't stop feeling jealous of my NT sisters

LivAgain

Hi all,

I'm 17 and have Asperger's, and I have two younger sisters, one 14 (15 in May) and one who has just turned 13. They are both NT, and therefore I see them having "normal" teenage lives (the 14-year-old is nauseatingly attractive, popular, clever and has a wonderful singing voice; she has even begun to be asked out by boys, and the 13-year-old is the most socially intelligent person I have ever met and treats me like I'm stupid and snaps at me) and I feel very inadequate. I saw my sister beautifully dressed to go to a party last night and went to bed and cried and cried because I feel so lonely and so cheated. My parents often say to me: "Well, you don't want to go to parties, Liv," and it's true; I don't, but I so want to be the person who does. I feel useless and fed up; I try so hard to fit in every day but, as soon as I start to feel more comfortable with myself, something seems to come along and reinforce that I never will go to parties or have NT friendships or boyfriends (not that any boy would want me even if I was NT as I'm not good looking). I know it's pointless and a victim attitude, but I can't seem to change how I feel. Also, I get the idea that my sisters are ashamed of me - maybe it's just my perception, but perception feels like reality, doesn't it? - as they often don't talk to me and go off together discussing things I can't relate to. I feel guilty that I can't relate to them, and guilty that I haven't been able to fufil the "big sister role"; it feels very demeaning that they are younger and blossoming into beautiful young women, and I'm stuck in this backwards little-girlhood, unable to give big-sisterly advice or support re boys or friendship fallouts, because I've never been through it. I do see the positives in this as it can be traumatic, but I see there as being so many more fun carefree times being pretty and respected in school, and I've never experienced it; when I was their age, the only real interactions I had with my peers were when they were bullying or "just teasing" me. I'm only making things worse by being jealous and self-indulgent, I know, but not being jealous is easier said than done, and I try to ignore the loneliness but I get so depressed sometimes - I can't always keep it at bay.

I'm sorry for such a maudlin post, but it's helpful to get these feelings out.

Liv x

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  • Thank you so much for your reply. I'm really worried I've made myself sound a bit shallow! It's not really the prettiness that bothers me...just that their social lives highlight my loneliness. I do have hobbies - creative writing and I'm in the musical theatre club at school (but I don't enjoy it as my sister is far more respected there than I am, by both teachers and pupils alike. This girl in my year said to her one session, "You're sooo hilarious. I keep forgetting you and Olivia are related." I don't belong to the clique at all.)

    As for making an effort with my appearance - I have a lot of different products I could use and my mum keeps offering to do my eyebrows but I just don't feel like I'm worth it a lot of the time, or I find it physically uncomfortable. But, like I said, it's not REALLY appearance that bothers me, just that I'm depressed and friendless. Also, my sisters do have their own insecurities as all teenagers do but this makes me feel angry, like, "You've got everything I want, why can't you appreciate it?" It's what I always tell people to do - appreciate their friends, because some of us can't make them. I wish I could change this too, but I can't. Sometimes I think I'm weak and pathetic. Frown

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  • Thank you so much for your reply. I'm really worried I've made myself sound a bit shallow! It's not really the prettiness that bothers me...just that their social lives highlight my loneliness. I do have hobbies - creative writing and I'm in the musical theatre club at school (but I don't enjoy it as my sister is far more respected there than I am, by both teachers and pupils alike. This girl in my year said to her one session, "You're sooo hilarious. I keep forgetting you and Olivia are related." I don't belong to the clique at all.)

    As for making an effort with my appearance - I have a lot of different products I could use and my mum keeps offering to do my eyebrows but I just don't feel like I'm worth it a lot of the time, or I find it physically uncomfortable. But, like I said, it's not REALLY appearance that bothers me, just that I'm depressed and friendless. Also, my sisters do have their own insecurities as all teenagers do but this makes me feel angry, like, "You've got everything I want, why can't you appreciate it?" It's what I always tell people to do - appreciate their friends, because some of us can't make them. I wish I could change this too, but I can't. Sometimes I think I'm weak and pathetic. Frown

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