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I can't stop feeling jealous of my NT sisters

LivAgain

Hi all,

I'm 17 and have Asperger's, and I have two younger sisters, one 14 (15 in May) and one who has just turned 13. They are both NT, and therefore I see them having "normal" teenage lives (the 14-year-old is nauseatingly attractive, popular, clever and has a wonderful singing voice; she has even begun to be asked out by boys, and the 13-year-old is the most socially intelligent person I have ever met and treats me like I'm stupid and snaps at me) and I feel very inadequate. I saw my sister beautifully dressed to go to a party last night and went to bed and cried and cried because I feel so lonely and so cheated. My parents often say to me: "Well, you don't want to go to parties, Liv," and it's true; I don't, but I so want to be the person who does. I feel useless and fed up; I try so hard to fit in every day but, as soon as I start to feel more comfortable with myself, something seems to come along and reinforce that I never will go to parties or have NT friendships or boyfriends (not that any boy would want me even if I was NT as I'm not good looking). I know it's pointless and a victim attitude, but I can't seem to change how I feel. Also, I get the idea that my sisters are ashamed of me - maybe it's just my perception, but perception feels like reality, doesn't it? - as they often don't talk to me and go off together discussing things I can't relate to. I feel guilty that I can't relate to them, and guilty that I haven't been able to fufil the "big sister role"; it feels very demeaning that they are younger and blossoming into beautiful young women, and I'm stuck in this backwards little-girlhood, unable to give big-sisterly advice or support re boys or friendship fallouts, because I've never been through it. I do see the positives in this as it can be traumatic, but I see there as being so many more fun carefree times being pretty and respected in school, and I've never experienced it; when I was their age, the only real interactions I had with my peers were when they were bullying or "just teasing" me. I'm only making things worse by being jealous and self-indulgent, I know, but not being jealous is easier said than done, and I try to ignore the loneliness but I get so depressed sometimes - I can't always keep it at bay.

I'm sorry for such a maudlin post, but it's helpful to get these feelings out.

Liv x

Parents

  • You would think that pretty girls have it all, but a psychologist once said to me it's the prettiest ones that often have the most problems.  Being pretty means they have to maintain it and keep it up, being pretty means they may be judged as being airheads, being pretty means boys will only be after one thing most of the time, being pretty means they will get a lot of jealousy from other girls which can cause bullying.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html

    http://intentious.com/2012/04/04/the-downsides-to-looking-pretty-discrimination-against-beautiful-women/

    http://ms-jd.org/blog/article/when-other-women-hate-you-because-you039re-beautiful

    Instead of focusing on what they have got that you perceive you haven't, focus on what you do have.  If your goal is to look more attractive, are you making the most of your appearance?  The right haircut can make a pretty big difference.  Also, salons can do your eyebrows for you if you aren't experienced or feel able to do them yourself. Experiment with a little bit of make-up, YouTube has a wealth of videos in how to apply it.  Are you wearing the best clothes for your physique?  It doesn't have to be the latest fashion as long as it looks good on you.  If you wear glasses and you feel they hide your looks you could get contact lenses.

    You must have some talents even if you haven't identified them yet.  You could try some hobbies, join some clubs based on those hobbies and maybe get some more socialising going that way.  For an Aspie, talking around your interest will be easier than just social chit-chat for the sake of it.

    There might be things about you that your sisters envy, or will one day even if they don't know.  When they have done their partying and have a string of broken hearts they will see there is more to life than that.  At the moment, they are at that teenage stage where everything is embarrassing to them and sadly, if they feel you aren't as cool as them this would include you when out and about, but this doesn't mean they don't love you dearly.  It's like teenagers hating being out with their parents or anything parent-related being uncool, but they love their parents and need them.

    Just think through what you do have, and start from there.  Everyone has good points and the grass is always greener (which means it likely is for your sisters too).

Reply

  • You would think that pretty girls have it all, but a psychologist once said to me it's the prettiest ones that often have the most problems.  Being pretty means they have to maintain it and keep it up, being pretty means they may be judged as being airheads, being pretty means boys will only be after one thing most of the time, being pretty means they will get a lot of jealousy from other girls which can cause bullying.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html

    http://intentious.com/2012/04/04/the-downsides-to-looking-pretty-discrimination-against-beautiful-women/

    http://ms-jd.org/blog/article/when-other-women-hate-you-because-you039re-beautiful

    Instead of focusing on what they have got that you perceive you haven't, focus on what you do have.  If your goal is to look more attractive, are you making the most of your appearance?  The right haircut can make a pretty big difference.  Also, salons can do your eyebrows for you if you aren't experienced or feel able to do them yourself. Experiment with a little bit of make-up, YouTube has a wealth of videos in how to apply it.  Are you wearing the best clothes for your physique?  It doesn't have to be the latest fashion as long as it looks good on you.  If you wear glasses and you feel they hide your looks you could get contact lenses.

    You must have some talents even if you haven't identified them yet.  You could try some hobbies, join some clubs based on those hobbies and maybe get some more socialising going that way.  For an Aspie, talking around your interest will be easier than just social chit-chat for the sake of it.

    There might be things about you that your sisters envy, or will one day even if they don't know.  When they have done their partying and have a string of broken hearts they will see there is more to life than that.  At the moment, they are at that teenage stage where everything is embarrassing to them and sadly, if they feel you aren't as cool as them this would include you when out and about, but this doesn't mean they don't love you dearly.  It's like teenagers hating being out with their parents or anything parent-related being uncool, but they love their parents and need them.

    Just think through what you do have, and start from there.  Everyone has good points and the grass is always greener (which means it likely is for your sisters too).

Children
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