Hi all,
I'm 17 and have Asperger's, and I have two younger sisters, one 14 (15 in May) and one who has just turned 13. They are both NT, and therefore I see them having "normal" teenage lives (the 14-year-old is nauseatingly attractive, popular, clever and has a wonderful singing voice; she has even begun to be asked out by boys, and the 13-year-old is the most socially intelligent person I have ever met and treats me like I'm stupid and snaps at me) and I feel very inadequate. I saw my sister beautifully dressed to go to a party last night and went to bed and cried and cried because I feel so lonely and so cheated. My parents often say to me: "Well, you don't want to go to parties, Liv," and it's true; I don't, but I so want to be the person who does. I feel useless and fed up; I try so hard to fit in every day but, as soon as I start to feel more comfortable with myself, something seems to come along and reinforce that I never will go to parties or have NT friendships or boyfriends (not that any boy would want me even if I was NT as I'm not good looking). I know it's pointless and a victim attitude, but I can't seem to change how I feel. Also, I get the idea that my sisters are ashamed of me - maybe it's just my perception, but perception feels like reality, doesn't it? - as they often don't talk to me and go off together discussing things I can't relate to. I feel guilty that I can't relate to them, and guilty that I haven't been able to fufil the "big sister role"; it feels very demeaning that they are younger and blossoming into beautiful young women, and I'm stuck in this backwards little-girlhood, unable to give big-sisterly advice or support re boys or friendship fallouts, because I've never been through it. I do see the positives in this as it can be traumatic, but I see there as being so many more fun carefree times being pretty and respected in school, and I've never experienced it; when I was their age, the only real interactions I had with my peers were when they were bullying or "just teasing" me. I'm only making things worse by being jealous and self-indulgent, I know, but not being jealous is easier said than done, and I try to ignore the loneliness but I get so depressed sometimes - I can't always keep it at bay.
I'm sorry for such a maudlin post, but it's helpful to get these feelings out.
Liv x
