Published on 12, July, 2020
Pretty much given up on what I do, how I do it, what I think etc. Online/offline. Everything always gets distorted and it reminds me about how cursed I must be. (Yes, I have a faith and I do believe in divine election but that I'm just not a part of it.) I was praying last night/early hours of this morning that if God can sacrifice me to the eternal fire so that someone else, some random sinner that I don't even know or care for can be given the chance of salvation, then I would gladly keep living in mental anguish, knowing that my pointless life can have some kind of purpose, in a roundabout way, for someone else. Anything but suicide, which is just giving in for the sake of giving in.
Probably only a matter of time before I'm booted off here. Various reasons being weighed up. None of them factual, none of them humanitarian. No real welcoming or interest in anything I write. And anything I do write just seems to get me shut out so I can't access my profile again and have to start again, probably because someone has triggered an alert to get me kicked off. S*** just keeps on happening. All my life, like a curse.
No matter I guess. Suicide forums are probably more obliged to keep me on but even then they have their limits and will probably block me after a while. It's only when you truly feel that you have no-one though, I have found, in my 20+ years' experience of living with despair and self-imposed solitude, that you can truly be free from society. Not that I want to be. I love people. I love being around people. I care deeply for people. I would lay down my life for my friends, if I had any. But the hate and corruption of this fallen world is a reality that never fails to surprise me.
Whether or not it is autism that afflicts me, (yes, afflicts me) it is just one more demonic attack in the history of my existence that I shall either learn to live with, by myself if necessary, or see that it destroys me. I doubt I'll ever get a diagnosis (I resent the retort of the 'you can just go private' brigade on principle - I was born under the NHS and I'll die under the NHS, so help me God) but it doesn't deter me from at least trying to help myself when I feel I have even a modicum of willpower to do so.
I've apologised before for posts that can be misconstrued or misunderstood in some way, just as a precaution if nothing else, but I just don't care anymore. I pretty much know I'm doomed. If I had any serious willpower, I'd like to starve myself to death. Sticking it right to God: 'if You want to use me, then just keep me alive without my relying on my need to sustain this cursed body and mind that You've burdened me with'. See, I don't even care about blasphemy anymore. I welcome eternal damnation as a release from this hell on earth, with all its component mockers and casual insults as I bear my own cross.
I would never willingly hurt anyone; physically or emotionally. And I hold to this. It won't be enough to get me into heaven but nothing will. I wasn't created to last forever. Well, none of us were. But God won't have me, I believe. Not because of anything I've done/haven't done and not through any especially existential crisis of faith that I'm not chosen by grace to be saved. It's a gut feeling I can't shift and I'm destined to face death as the atheist does - either convincing themselves that they've done 'all they can' or wracked with guilt for not accepting the gracious offer of life everlasting.
I crash and burn every day, only to be revived with the dawn to crash and burn tomorrow. Thus the curse of being alive and the shadow of death that hovers over me but which I cannot merge into. I am stuck in life and I hate myself for living.
A
Despite your very heartbreaking circumstances, your writing is very compelling, poetic, and powerful. It has depth to it. I hope you will do something with your writing one day.
You've helped create the two lives of your children, which is already a blessing in and of itself, and they give you value in life, whereas every other avenue in life is like a dead end, that people cared less about you than they should have.
Perhaps sometimes, having space puts things into perspective, it shows what you value, what you want and don't want, and what you have in life. Even if it's hard to see what good can come out of any of these bad life circumstances, it's like going through a desert. It'll challenge every resource you have within you, and maybe that's one of the challenges you have to go through in order to grow.
I know there's a force of good out there, and I pray that you find love and happiness in your life.
Thank you