Pretty much given up

Pretty much given up on what I do, how I do it, what I think etc. Online/offline. Everything always gets distorted and it reminds me about how cursed I must be. (Yes, I have a faith and I do believe in divine election but that I'm just not a part of it.) I was praying last night/early hours of this morning that if God can sacrifice me to the eternal fire so that someone else, some random sinner that I don't even know or care for can be given the chance of salvation, then I would gladly keep living in mental anguish, knowing that my pointless life can have some kind of purpose, in a roundabout way, for someone else. Anything but suicide, which is just giving in for the sake of giving in. 

Probably only a matter of time before I'm booted off here. Various reasons being weighed up. None of them factual, none of them humanitarian. No real welcoming or interest in anything I write. And anything I do write just seems to get me shut out so I can't access my profile again and have to start again, probably because someone has triggered an alert to get me kicked off. S*** just keeps on happening. All my life, like a curse. 

No matter I guess. Suicide forums are probably more obliged to keep me on but even then they have their limits and will probably block me after a while. It's only when you truly feel that you have no-one though, I have found, in my 20+ years' experience of living with despair and self-imposed solitude, that you can truly be free from society. Not that I want to be. I love people. I love being around people. I care deeply for people. I would lay down my life for my friends, if I had any. But the hate and corruption of this fallen world is a reality that never fails to surprise me.

Whether or not it is autism that afflicts me, (yes, afflicts me) it is just one more demonic attack in the history of my existence that I shall either learn to live with, by myself if necessary, or see that it destroys me. I doubt I'll ever get a diagnosis (I resent the retort of the 'you can just go private' brigade on principle - I was born under the NHS and I'll die under the NHS, so help me God) but it doesn't deter me from at least trying to help myself when I feel I have even a modicum of willpower to do so.

I've apologised before for posts that can be misconstrued or misunderstood in some way, just as a precaution if nothing else, but I just don't care anymore. I pretty much know I'm doomed. If I had any serious willpower, I'd like to starve myself to death. Sticking it right to God: 'if You want to use me, then just keep me alive without my relying on my need to sustain this cursed body and mind that You've burdened me with'. See, I don't even care about blasphemy anymore. I welcome eternal damnation as a release from this hell on earth, with all its component mockers and casual insults as I bear my own cross. 

I would never willingly hurt anyone; physically or emotionally. And I hold to this. It won't be enough to get me into heaven but nothing will. I wasn't created to last forever. Well, none of us were. But God won't have me, I believe. Not because of anything I've done/haven't done and not through any especially existential crisis of faith that I'm not chosen by grace to be saved. It's a gut feeling I can't shift and I'm destined to face death as the atheist does - either convincing themselves that they've done 'all they can' or wracked with guilt for not accepting the gracious offer of life everlasting.

I crash and burn every day, only to be revived with the dawn to crash and burn tomorrow. Thus the curse of being alive and the shadow of death that hovers over me but which I cannot merge into. I am stuck in life and I hate myself for living.

A

  • Despite your very heartbreaking circumstances, your writing is very compelling, poetic, and powerful. It has depth to it. I hope you will do something with your writing one day. 

    You've helped create the two lives of your children, which is already a blessing in and of itself, and they give you value in life, whereas every other avenue in life is like a dead end, that people cared less about you than they should have. 

    Perhaps sometimes, having space puts things into perspective, it shows what you value, what you want and don't want, and what you have in life. Even if it's hard to see what good can come out of any of these bad life circumstances, it's like going through a desert. It'll challenge every resource you have within you, and maybe that's one of the challenges you have to go through in order to grow. 

    I know there's a force of good out there, and I pray that you find love and happiness in your life. 

  • Thank you.

    Not much I can see of value outside of having faith. Seems easier to actually end my life, other than just think and talk about it, rather than abandon my faith. I love being around others, worshipping God. This is, ultimately, what we were made for. I know atheistic brainwashing says otherwise - "one life, live it", and other such pointless maxims - but I hold true for the Lord. It's hard because it's supposed to be hard. That's pretty much the bottom line.

    AMC tonight - about as exciting as it gets at the moment.

    A

  • Bless you it must be agony. You both do so well to remain friends,  you are protecting your precious children from harm that way, as I am sure you realise .

  • SO sorry to read about your situation. It sounds very like mine at a particular point in my life.

    I'm not saying that you should do what I did. I wouldn't recommend any course of action as everyone has to find a way that works for them. All I can do is recount my experience...

    I reached a point where I was tormenting myself and, far from helping me, my faith tormented me too. In retrospect, what I think was going on was that I rejected myself and I projected that onto God and felt rejected by God too. What I did was to just stop the faith related activities as they hurt me rather than helped. So, I stopped engaging with church, praying and anything like that which was causing me distress.

    Now, I can't say that it helped me overnight, but it did remove certain complications and ultimately open up a path where I could begin to resolve the mess.

  • I do. Thank you. x

  • Thank you and thank you for your honesty. Divorce is hell. The separation was tough enough but I left the option of the finality of divorce to her as I couldn't stomach the sin. I knew that she could be free of me and happier as a result so we parted and made it legal. The stain of divorce weighs heavy on my conscience. She was my first relationship, the first person I'd ever been with. An autistic girl after my own heart. No-one and nothing compares to her. My children are evidence of what we have together and we remain friends. My heart remains broken and that is fine. Sitting with her now. Superficially friends, with the kids happily playing upstairs. Like nothing's changed. But, of course, everything has. I'm no-one post-marriage. No purpose, no drive. Just existing and hoping that some hope remains. She was quite convinced that it's bipolar and I see her point. The kind of person who it is very hard to live with, despite our mutual love. Do this, do that - seek help here, seek help there. It's all I ever get but nothing works. The NHS is broken and I hate the thought of private healthcare. I'd rather die than receive prioritised healthcare over someone just because I'm paying, or paying more for it. No, I'll wait my turn and wait until my number is up. Go through the motions. If they can save me, so be it. If not, then so be it. I just don't care anymore.

    A

  • I do seek help and I receive help. I spend time with my children and I successfully mask my thoughts and feelings. They see the Daddy they love and need - I'm like two different people. Then I'm apart from them and I'm dead inside. They keep me alive. 

  • You're thoughts at this time would traumatise your children for the rest of their lives. You wouldn't be around to see them as adults. For their sake and yours, please seek some help.

  • I hope you can enjoy your time with your children today. I know the pain of my divorce.. 26 years ago now. Looking back it was only God who put my life back together. I  was totally broken by it all aswell at the time. I did have the children though living with me so I realise that is a big difference. In a happy marriage now, things can be made good and new over time. Its about surviving day to day initially isn't it. I will keep praying for you x

  • Thank you. Cling to Him. As you say you are His child. Jesus said Just Believe x

  • Numb. Numb that I'm still alive. It's not my time yet. Numb that I'm so close to people that I could physically reach out and touch them (which of course you can't do) yet feel so far apart. Numb to the thoughts that go through my head, to the prayers that I pray, to the feelings and emotions that flicker and die before I can even attempt to express them. Numb to the pain of it all. (Un)comfortably numb. Dead to the world. Alive to spirit and truth. That's all I care about now.

    Last day with my children tomorrow after giving them everything I have today. Walking around in a daze whenever I'm without them. My children. The wife and children I abandoned with no intention of doing so. How it still destroys me nearly two years on. Spending time with them. Being reminded, painfully, of how it used to be when I lived with them. How I gave them everything. All the money I've ever earned wasted in rent. My mental health shattered after 12 years of marriage. Nothing is getting better. It's all downhill from here.

  • Thank you for your kindly sentiment, JLyn. You save me as He reaches out to me tonight. Heart

    I pray and the words burn up in my mouth and diffuse into nothingness. But to have support from a believer means a lot. 'God's peace and love'. I've got the choice, always a choice, in front of me: drink myself into a stupor, alone but with God in my heart, or to return to whatever bed I happen to find myself in, always alone but always with God in my heart. The evening is young and yet the overwhelming social buzz of a Saturday night leaves me feeling more alone than ever. Drink just amplifies this. I can't even read my Bible and be at peace with myself as I can feel Mum's distress every time I lose myself in Scripture and find comfort in His Word. The very real psychiatric factor comes close to extinguishing the hope of the faithful in today's satanic era, whether of neurological or of neurodivergent type. The flesh crawls with the melting of the spirit as God and Man fuse and burn, destroying each other in a perverse evolutionary struggle to overcome or mutate to self-destruction. My atheistic brainwashing grapples with my theistic sense of salvation to compel me to believe that I am little more than an advanced ape, the n-th archetype of the generational road to extinction. No God, no hope, no love; just war and death and varying levels of profit from this culture of death that we endure. I poison myself in the hope that suicide comes more easily. That the past year of antidepressant intoxication can be entirely undone in one night's bombardment of chilling inebriation. Join the hoard, observe their yearning for freedom, imitate their despair and anticipate the final hurdle. I've had my Last Supper (fish and chips) and am finishing my last (alcoholic) drink before I give myself over to the mercy of nature, which is of course supremely lacking in any virtue of the sort. Mercy comes from beyond nature; comes from the One who devised and implemented nature and our place in it. Nature that sucks all hope and love from my soul, leaving me naked and exposed to the elemental chaos of the ravages of time and place. No God: no hope. I will always refuse to bow down before nature as I know in my heart and soul that I am a child of God. I cannot feel it, as Thomas couldn't feel the wounds of the Risen Lord until he did, but I believe regardless. God's silence defends me against the constant bombardment of the evil one. But at this present moment in time, as you say, I am so very low. So very tired and so, so very far gone. As I drain the proverbial chalice, I leave this formidable pub/church hybrid that I find my body and mind caught up in and contemplate the autumnal night up ahead. Day beckons within pain-saturated hours, dripping with lethargic slack-sinewy morbidity, but night and darkness claim me as they repel me. I will not die. Not tonight. Cowardly, evil scum of a man I am. I just walk. I walk and pray. I long to die but I strive to live in opposition to the act of freeing my soul, for the devil can't and won't ever have it.

    Cross️ My gratitude to you, my angel. God's blessing be upon you. Pray tone1

  • It's hard to know what to say because I'm a really bad communicator and because you are so very low and I don't want to make things worse for you by saying the wrong thing. But I want to say to you that I am sorry to hear you are so low and in such a dark place and that I am praying for you to experience Gods peace and love.