Too neurotypical to be autistic but too autistic to be neurotypical

I had an imposter syndrome some time ago. But I threw it out of my head. Not all autistic people must struggle, not all of us struggle equally and not equally in different stages of our lives. We all grew up and live in different environments. Some of us may thrive because they found what serves them and makes them happy and fulfilled. Does this mean that they are not autistic anymore? It’s a developmental condition, it does not disappear once you manage your life to be bearable for you. I’m much happier now than I was in my youth which was terribly traumatic. Now I just understood why I am the way I am, why I couldn’t find myself in this world and my place in it. But now I found. Everyone has struggles. Other ND people also have them and NTs have them. I would say It’s not the level of struggles classifying us with conditions. It’s rather our characteristics, traits, experiences. 

I think everyone goes through imposter syndrome before or after diagnosis. It's one of the stages of accepting it.

However, I think struggle is very much part of the autistic life and the diagnosis criteria specify that the difficulties must “limit and impair everyday functioning”. 

Yes, I agree. I suffered a lot when I was younger. Now I feel much better because of the knowledge and I also let myself mask less. The fact that now I struggle very little or not at all (with help of meds) is because of the knowledge of my condition and ability to manage my life the way it serves me. So currently I don’t need diagnosis I don’t have high support needs but it does not change who I am. If I have still worked in the call center like I did 3 years ago, I would have probably developed some serious conditions like heavy anxiety and I would have suffered till now as I did before. Thank goodness I quit it. I realised that I don’t have to pretend that I’m like others when I’m not. If I have to meet new people everyday, I would feel much worse. This knowledge helped me decide to look for  a performance based job, which I found, where my attention to detail and good memory are praised and I don’t need any soft skills. 

Pixie, I'm pretty simialr to you I was given the diagnosis of Aspergers, but lately that diagnosis dosen't seem to be valid, we're all included under the umbrella of autism, which is great in many ways, but in others I think it confuses. I think it confuses others more than autists, because, as you say it is such a wide spectrum and can't be plotted that easily and no assumptions can be made about someone capabilities. I do know a couple of people who are getting wary fo the whole idea of spectrum disorders, just because there are no clear diagnostic criteria like the are with a disease like measles or chickenpox. But those people are very straight line vertical thinkers who do no tangents or shades of grey, everything seems very binary to them.

Yes, you’re still autistic. It’s not your fault that things like the PIP parameters expect us not to be able to tie our own shoelaces (so to speak) to qualify so we’re forced to approach some external validation markers as though we were doing a broad brushstrokes Job-interview ‘fake  it til you make it’ exercise, instead of being allows to just communicate with nuance and necessary intricacy of revelation the many varying-in-intensity but overwhelmingly stacked chakkenges we have compared with ‘the average person’. Even after formal diagnosis the inherent deep scepticism in the benefits application process is designed to make us feel (more as a side effect to money saving than anything else) exactly like the second part of your last sentence there. It’s not fair and I hope you’ll see that with some additional reassurance here. 

I love that term 'pretty normal autistic person'   

Also I think it could be true that 'we don't look like we unconsciously think we should '. That's a lack of knowledge, though - researchers are still finding out more about autism all the time, but as a society we were only shown occasional stereotypes like rain man, or children with very severe learning difficulties, 

The thing is, autism is such a wide spectrum. There will probably always be autistic people who will not be able to look after themselves, so for those of us who can live independently, or who may have been to university, or who may have a partner and perhaps children too, it's difficult to for them to reconcile who they are with the previously established 'idea' of autism.

When I first discovered I was on the spectrum, I described it as "Aspergers" to people I worked with, as that was still the term in general use for " higher functioning " autistic people, so it made it easier for them to understand. But now, as more knowledge is becoming available, I'm quite happy to say "I'm autistic" and to help other people learn more about it if they're interested.

By the sounds of it you seem a pretty normal autistic person going by many of the replies to this thread. I think we must all hve some kind of unconciously internalised idea of what autism is and what it looks like. Only we are autistic and we don't look like what we unconciously think we should. I wonder if it's to do with low self esteem?

Do I deserve this diagnosis?

Am I so bad that I deserve all this fuss when there are others so much worse off than me?

I think many of us not only mask but we have unconciously internalised those masks and when we look at ourselves we feel unease and maybe even guilt?

I dont' know, this is just off the top of my head.

This was supposed to be a reply to TheCatWoman and it’s very long oops. I guess I’m venting cause I have no one who understands how I feel.

I feel the same, except I struggle to be organised. I got diagnosed two months before I turned 18 last year! by random nance due to a CAMHS appointment where the wonderful psychologist I was seeing picked up on it and got me referred (and the referral sped up since I was approaching 18.) I’m now at uni though my lack of organisation means I’m taking a more scenic route to medical school than I hoped, and I constantly feel like an imposter since I can “function” pretty well and if my backup plan works out will be in my desired career one day, even if it took longer than planned,

I can cook, clean, do my shopping etc. But after doing some research and reading my diagnosis letter I realise I am I indeed autistic. I did well in school throughout and was pretty close to the grades needed for medicine, so people don’t realise how bad my executive dysfunction is, yet I know that where I could have got an A or A* in one subject I got a B due to my lack of organisation and any study skills. I can do alright with uni but have also had points this year where I was so exhausted and burn out from having to do life and be “normal” that it made me physically ill and I missed a few days of uni. I’ve struggled with my mental health since I started secondary school, and now know it was most likely due to the then undiagnosed Autism. My only support is a lovely mentor allocated to me by my uni, but other than that I’m on my own because again late diagnosis, so no ECHP and no idea what I need.

I realise a lot of the outbursts I had when I couldn’t hold things together were also due to the autism but gowing my entire childhood without knowing and being a girl! I got very good at masking so was more likely to take things out on myself and implode. I used to headband as a toddler and would walk on my toes, until I stopped due to being told to walk normally, I stim but only in spaces where I feel safe because the days of not knowing mean I find it impossible to unmask, for fear of judgement. I often feel like I need to pause life and find having fo function as a new adult draining psychologically and feel like I may implode at any moment. On the flip side, my motivation to become a doctor forces me to do things way out of my comfort zone like volunteering in a people facing role, because I’m stubborn and hyper focused? on it and medicine as whole and won’t let the difficulties I have stop me from getting there one day. 

In summary, I often feel like an imposter because I’m very good at appearing as functional and learnt to internalise all my struggles until I implode or less often explode and have a meltdown. I struggled a lot with my mental health because if this, was in and out of therapy and CAMHS appointment from yr 7 until I turned 18 and my late diagnosis means I’ve learned to cope and get through life without any obvious signs and no support. Since I’m at uni and doing fine to the outsider, any outpatient services would never help me and so I question how autistic I am.

Thanks Pixie

I'm the opposite to you I can do a supermarket shops, but not an online one, I get very confused.

Hi Catwoman

Your interests are not so different to others here. I think we all love animals, nature and books. 

I briefly considered going into hairdressing when I was young, and even now I cut my partner's hair, with clippers. For me, hair and fashion - while not a deep interest of mine, are part of the art & design spectrum, which I've always had some interest in.

In your profile you share that you have a degree in Medieval History and have a continuing interest in ancient and medieval history and related subjects such as archaelogy, Ancient DNA and anthropology. I've studied sociology and a little bit of genetics and DNA, and I think all that stuff is interesting, so please feel free to "go on at some length" if you feel like it,

We're all the same in many ways, but different in others. Some of us are creative, some technical, some scientific, some have gifts with animals or plants, some of us (like me) have moved from one thing to another over the years, enjoying different experiences and learning a lot about all sorts of stuff. We are all unique.

Don't worry, I don't fit in with those support levels either. I'm not keen on supermarket shopping, but I'm quite capable of doing an online grocery shop. Practical tasks aren't a problem, it's dealing with most other people that are.

Don't worry, I don't fit in with those support levels either. I'm not keen on supermarket shopping, but I'm quite capable of doing an online grocery shop. Practical tasks aren't a problem, it's dealing with most other people that are.

Thanks Pixie

I'm the opposite to you I can do a supermarket shops, but not an online one, I get very confused.