Published on 12, July, 2020
Lately I've felt like I don't fit. Like I don't struggle enough to be considered autistic. I do struggle, of course. I probably struggle more than neurotypicals do. And I know that being autistic isn't only about struggling. But sometimes it feels like I am faking it. Like it's just another mask that I put on. These sentences are so hard to write. It's like trying to catch a specific snowflake in the blizzard that is my brain. So I'll just stop here. Have you ever felt this way?
I had an imposter syndrome some time ago. But I threw it out of my head. Not all autistic people must struggle, not all of us struggle equally and not equally in different stages of our lives. We all grew up and live in different environments. Some of us may thrive because they found what serves them and makes them happy and fulfilled. Does this mean that they are not autistic anymore? It’s a developmental condition, it does not disappear once you manage your life to be bearable for you. I’m much happier now than I was in my youth which was terribly traumatic. Now I just understood why I am the way I am, why I couldn’t find myself in this world and my place in it. But now I found. Everyone has struggles. Other ND people also have them and NTs have them. I would say It’s not the level of struggles classifying us with conditions. It’s rather our characteristics, traits, experiences.
I think everyone goes through imposter syndrome before or after diagnosis. It's one of the stages of accepting it.
However, I think struggle is very much part of the autistic life and the diagnosis criteria specify that the difficulties must “limit and impair everyday functioning”.
yep i think the key part is the struggle of life, the impossibility of connections and friends, if you get friends its not your doing but all their doing and feels like luck and you dont know how it happened or how to replicate it because its the other sides doing. the never having relations, the constant bullying you dont even understand why and the fact everyone knows and hates you when you dont even know them or understand why they knew or hated you, the crushing loneliness, the impossibility of doing anything or understanding how to exist. the lack of motivation that stops you even trying and the things like that you cant even describe. the giving up on life, falling by the wayside, only forcing yourself to exist so you dont make your parents upset, waiting to not live but yet your only connection being parent that you love and not wanting to go before them so as to not upset them and so hanging on torturing yourself in continuation for them and their feelings. i feel the suffering is a core component of this.... without it there is no issue to be called upon for diagnosis. there was no reason to go for diagnosis. its hard for a diagnoser because they dont know your life, and youd likely not be able to describe or tell them. it is better if we were telepathic species so we can transfer memories and experiences, thats the only way for them to know for sure.
That’s a really well written post Caelus and I agree and identify with all of it. Sadly.