My special interest suppressed for years by others

Hi everyone,

I've been finding it difficult recently since my autism diagnosis. A member on here did advise I may go through the different motions and I really am. I have been reliving every moment in my life where I feel I wasn't treated nice and I now know why. It doesn't help that I'm also diagnosed with OCD so these intrusive thoughts and thinking can't be helped. 

The thing I am most struggling with though from my past is around discovering who I am. Because I have been suppressed all my life for various things, hobbies, stimming etc I'm now tracking back to what I enjoyed and did as a child to try and unmask and also discover who I am. This is where I feel the most sad because of the following.

At a very young age I was obsessed with music, I was particularly fascinated with instruments and dabbled in various kinds. But as a child I wasn't allowed to play things like the guitar because its not for girls (yes my family saw the clarinet as something appropriate for me). Then through high school I wanted to do music and I wasn't allowed because you couldn't do both art and music and I was told I was gifted at art so my family wanted me to do that. (My family would ostracise me if I didn't get a minimum of a grade C in any subject). So despite this supposed talent in art, I actually hate art. I mean give me some colours and I like to make up abstract colourful pieces, but take me to an art gallery and I never wanted to go into a full rage as much as being in an art gallery because I loathe staring at what I consider boring mundane things.

Then throughout my adulthood when I attempted the guitar I was mocked as you don't know what you're doing, you'll never be good, you have no rhythm, you are useless etc. (Thankfully these people are no longer in my life). 

Fast forward to today and I have a very supportive husband, he has ADHD so although we do have differences we both understand each others struggles through either overlap in our neurodivergence or simply by understanding the general daily struggle. Well my husband said to me if you want to learn guitar go for it. (He's a guitarist himself). After reflecting for a while I said actually I'd love to be able to play the bass. For me the depth of the bass is amazing, I like the feel of thick strings and those low low tones. So I got my bass, it's been over six months and I truly discovered that this is something I can become great at. It's filled me with such joy, however at 36 years old I now feel so sad because I was never allowed to do music, the one thing I live and breathe, the one thing that saves me when I feel at my lowest.

I adore rock/metal music, Ronnie James Dio, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, Black Sabbath, Queensryche, Rainbow, Motley Crue, Led Zeppelin and the list goes on.

But I know I'll never be able to do anything with my bass other than as a hobby and although that is in a way enough for me, I feel cheated and robbed of the fact that I could have been playing and immersing myself in music to a technical degree for about 25 years. Instead its six months and it really hurts because I'm now struggling to retain music theory. I understand it, just can't retain it in my brain.

I can't change the past I know this, but even at my age now I say to my husband I don't only want to be good at bass, I want to be great and I want to be as great as Rick Savage (my inspiration for playing bass). But I just feel like I said above robbed of years of being my true autistic self which is a person who has a deep connection to music, I feel it in my mind, my body and soul. Just never been allowed to fully until now.

Thank you for reading this, I just get full of tears when I think about it.