Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
I've been finding it difficult recently since my autism diagnosis. A member on here did advise I may go through the different motions and I really am. I have been reliving every moment in my life where I feel I wasn't treated nice and I now know why. It doesn't help that I'm also diagnosed with OCD so these intrusive thoughts and thinking can't be helped.
The thing I am most struggling with though from my past is around discovering who I am. Because I have been suppressed all my life for various things, hobbies, stimming etc I'm now tracking back to what I enjoyed and did as a child to try and unmask and also discover who I am. This is where I feel the most sad because of the following.
At a very young age I was obsessed with music, I was particularly fascinated with instruments and dabbled in various kinds. But as a child I wasn't allowed to play things like the guitar because its not for girls (yes my family saw the clarinet as something appropriate for me). Then through high school I wanted to do music and I wasn't allowed because you couldn't do both art and music and I was told I was gifted at art so my family wanted me to do that. (My family would ostracise me if I didn't get a minimum of a grade C in any subject). So despite this supposed talent in art, I actually hate art. I mean give me some colours and I like to make up abstract colourful pieces, but take me to an art gallery and I never wanted to go into a full rage as much as being in an art gallery because I loathe staring at what I consider boring mundane things.
Then throughout my adulthood when I attempted the guitar I was mocked as you don't know what you're doing, you'll never be good, you have no rhythm, you are useless etc. (Thankfully these people are no longer in my life).
Fast forward to today and I have a very supportive husband, he has ADHD so although we do have differences we both understand each others struggles through either overlap in our neurodivergence or simply by understanding the general daily struggle. Well my husband said to me if you want to learn guitar go for it. (He's a guitarist himself). After reflecting for a while I said actually I'd love to be able to play the bass. For me the depth of the bass is amazing, I like the feel of thick strings and those low low tones. So I got my bass, it's been over six months and I truly discovered that this is something I can become great at. It's filled me with such joy, however at 36 years old I now feel so sad because I was never allowed to do music, the one thing I live and breathe, the one thing that saves me when I feel at my lowest.
I adore rock/metal music, Ronnie James Dio, Def Leppard, Bon Jovi, Black Sabbath, Queensryche, Rainbow, Motley Crue, Led Zeppelin and the list goes on.
But I know I'll never be able to do anything with my bass other than as a hobby and although that is in a way enough for me, I feel cheated and robbed of the fact that I could have been playing and immersing myself in music to a technical degree for about 25 years. Instead its six months and it really hurts because I'm now struggling to retain music theory. I understand it, just can't retain it in my brain.
I can't change the past I know this, but even at my age now I say to my husband I don't only want to be good at bass, I want to be great and I want to be as great as Rick Savage (my inspiration for playing bass). But I just feel like I said above robbed of years of being my true autistic self which is a person who has a deep connection to music, I feel it in my mind, my body and soul. Just never been allowed to fully until now.
Thank you for reading this, I just get full of tears when I think about it.
Thank you I will definitely check that out.
I happened across this https://www.simplifyingtheory.com/
Not sure if it helps, but maybe there's something in here of interest. :)
Thank you for your response. I'm sorry I'm late in replying, I haven't checked the forum in a few hours and missed this response. But it is really appreciated and makes me feel seen and heard.
I'm really glad I shared one of the (many) things thats been bothering me. And this for me was a big thing because I'm at a stage in my life where I'm like...now what...
Yeah, they're amazing. Tina's bass work is so distinctive over the music, you can always tell it's her. Slippery People!
I'm not too sure if this is helpful, but know you're not alone!! This is the story of many women and a great deal of people in general regardless of money, even the late Queen often said she'd have rather worked with animals (though, 99% of us don't often get to make her choices).
The UK government just released a report on misogyny in music. As someone who works in sound, there are women late to the party everywhere, discouraged from the sport when young. And if they're lucky enough to get in someway or another are still micro-managed and held back. It's difficult to make a living at a thing where the bias and assumption works against you due to your sex, and this can play a role in being discouraged from any thing. Most of what I expressed interest in when young, which I needed as an adult, I was completely discouraged and kept from and that's played a role in what I've been able to achieve.
But don't let this stop you in the present!! Do the things you love now. Last year, I walked past a 3-musician group of much older women performing at a market. Not being able to immerse oneself in an interest until later in life is often more normal than we're lead to believe on social media - and often it's in retirement. One of the problems can simply be a lack of access to business skills required a full-time freelancer in the music industry. But I think the bigger issue for us is often not possessing NT telepathy, which is a set-back for most. And music theory? It's really hard!! I know some who are incredibly gifted at it but have little 'musicality'. And those who only play by ear with a great technique.
But back to the gender gap! Someone posted this on a female audio forum earlier today LOL https://www.facebook.com/reel/1088186858864897
One last thing... Intrusive thoughts can be unresolved matters which have a real affect (not an imaginary perspective). And this topic, and its impact doesn't sound intrusive, but a real sense of loss and mourning over an unmet desire, which you can now take control of.
But they can be thoughts we're catching from the social landscape around us or even an analogous way of thinking about abstract political ideologies impacting us on a concrete level. I've discussed on here before how findings in research have discovered Autistic and ADHD biology can have less Inhibition which halt thoughts spiralling out of control. These inhibitors (GABA) are like a little police squad in the brain shutting down over-excited thoughts inducing anxiety. I take a nootropics blend which seems to help, but if you're interested, I'm happy to share more. :)
Lovely to hear you have found such a passion for this. Don't worry about what others think about it. What matters is what you think and if it makes you happy then why not? It's your life you must do what you want to do and never mind what others think. It's no one else's business. Bass is a great instrument to play!
Tina Weymouth from Talking Heads is a genius player, too.
I love Talking Heads, really great music they've done. I was listening to And She Was the other day :)
Reminiscing about the past is never helpful. What's done is done. It might be harder to learn now, you still can if you put enough effort. Music theory is not exactly rocket science, but with enough effort and time - you can do either.
It's amazing you found what you truly love. Go for it. Of course things could always have been better, don't let this perfectionism stop you from enjoying life. Your goal is not to become a world class rock start probably, but to play for yourself and friends - totally achievable. And then, who knows, maybe you can give me a free ticket to your concert in O2 arena.
Thank you so much. I never thought of it like that and now I have a big smile because I am.
And I'm not going to give up on trying to understand the theory side. Because as much as I struggle to retain it in my memory, I love the concept of it.
Yes that's understandable, it's easy to think that it's too late but there's still so much time ahead to do the things you enjoy. I'm glad you have such a connection with your instrument, that's so cool! I have a special interest in music as well - I play the piano but not a lot anymore as my fingers are always painful.Keep doing what you're doing and have fun! :)
At least you discovered your favorite instrument and you're learning to play it now, which is better than never knowing at all. If your childhood self saw you holding the bass now, they'll be so glad that you've finally started to play it and enjoy the music.
Thank you Nor.
I think that's been my problem is I keep thinking everything is too late. And then trying to make up for lost time. But yes I do enjoy playing and I've never felt such a connection to an instrument as much as this.
Aw, I'm so sorry that others have been so horrible to you - but hey forget them!! This is your life and what you enjoy and like is no concern of anybody else's. If you enjoy it and have fun and it makes you happy then absolutely go for it! :) It really does not matter what anyone else thinks so long as you're happy and having fun.
You can't change the past but you can choose what to do in the future. You still have lots of time to do the things you love and enjoy. It's never too late.
I absolutely adore Rick Savage (Def Leppard). I love how his bass playing always makes me stop and instantly go where's my bass.
Steve Harris (Iron Maiden), when I can play like him I'll personally feel like I've achieved 100%, the speed and skill he plays at is insane.
Then I've had to say also Robert Trujillo (Metallica). I watched a particularly video where he was playing some simple root notes but that didn't matter, the rhythm and how he was playing it was just glorious.
One thing I will say though is I don't like slap bass, I don't like the sound of it and no interest in learning it. My personal opinion and I do recognise its a serious skill, I just don't like it for me.
Rainbow Pixie said:I will admit that when I play bass it makes me feel immense joy.
That's the only reason you need! Do it and do it often. Which bass players do you like best? I've always had a thing for Jah Wobble's work. John Entwistle too, of course, but that's an obvious choice.
Yeah I'm definitely doing it now. It helps that my husband plays guitar and he encourages me plenty, echoing what you said above.
I will admit that when I play bass it makes me feel immense joy.
I'm also learning in the best format for how my brain works too, I get there's rules to playing and best practice etc, but sometimes that just doesn't work for me, so I'm channeling Jimi Hendrix, just on the bass instead.
Embrace your passion, just ignore anyone who mocks you for it. They're just being pathetic - probably utterly talentless in their own respects. It doesn't matter whether you're Jimmy Page level genius or not, if you enjoy it... do it!