Published on 12, July, 2020
Well my post diagnosis was messy and the mute shut down and rejection of alll medical assistance was the out working of a failier of response that is typical of the mental health provisions in surrey. the few people I saw were ok and the psychiatrist did get me a step along but i was wel annoyed that his paper work was nessacary to qualify what i had been bleeting on about for years anf even now the system has let me drift off because i was traumatise dby the 40 questions it takes to get an assesment to go on the 18 month waiting list for therapy. PLEASE
So how was i exumed from my silence and driven from my pyjamas and the doldrums of indifferent failier and the contemplations of my own execution that I willing ly considered and rejected to continue what I saw as fsithful but self detructive choice to live.
Well She is called Foxy anad she is the dumped dog who escaped the battersey death nell, to become my little world of sucess on a different world view of things.
You can see her baby picture here
http://www.alldogsmatter.co.uk/?dogs-rehomed,7
I am up at 4 to keep the floor dry and when she eats I remember to, her walks and my medication go together and all in all we are a good team, I have to be the boss and eat first and have learned to shout or bark when I am not happy with realy bad behaviour, I am the one who is at the training classes she is well smart and had to go up a class.
The staff at the school responded in fine style to my iam autistic card and a few of them have first hand experience and experts in the friend and family line who would consult to help my challenges, which was overwhelming on the first day.
http://adolescentdogs.com/ have been exelent in their understanding and have been keen to help me keep a sfe and happy doe mostly I needed reassuring that i wass not breaking her in some way.
So I was lead out of the rock under which I crawled realy by a small bright inteligent Little Red Dog, called Foxy.
WB
When ther are no languages to bridge the devide it is the best of us as animals that we have in common, it is sad that we despise this beauty in ourselves as base and of no value or function, for I think it is the very antidote to all that ails us as a result of the toxicity of the life we call modern.
Foxy still got a sock, i took off the sweaty sock and the wonders of her new foot were revealed, only for the cleaning that ensued ffor her to remove the nice scab and then clean non sttop till it was all red and sore so i rescued the foot andshe is back in the bandage. she will certainly have the halo of shame for her snip and I will get some rescue remedy for her and myself at the same time. I think i am done with the conventional lot for a bit.
The shrink it worked out is not a regular clinitian and is filling in til march as it turnes out she was posing a question, all that stress for an inexperienced question, I started the session all full of sharps but was soon softened as it turnes out she genuinly wants to help, no clinical help but she will see if she can do battle on my behalf, this is such a revolution i am a bit stunned, but if the diagnosing shrink does not know the \\asd pathway and surrey is avoiding the issue like the plague If icas does not win the day I am through trying to improve on what i have now.
This mucky medication pregabalin i should come with an asd warning. YES i have come off it way to fast and the head aches sweats and chest feeling like i hve a brick on it will all be part of that, My partner persuaded me to take 50mgs as a maintainance dose till i settle and I am off it as soon as possible, the suicidals are realy bad at the moment but usually i can manage these, i have for years, but not so well this last week or so. I have decided after a call to the brain and spine foundation that I am being used ignorantly and i cannot trust the presant consultant to understand the combination of pain and mental faculty needs so i am canceling the fourth epidural booked for next week and coming off all the newfangeled head meds, the amitriptaline will go soona s i can get some advice from the internet doctor.
I have realy had enough of trying to better my lot the social worker made a proposal that has evapourated into thin air.
Oats don't go all panicky on me because one good decission and i will change my point of view, but I have had a good run at this life lark and whilst married so to speak my partner often has to say that I am abusing her which is about as gutting as it gets from my point of view.
Foxy iss the sourse of great comfprt but has also been the centre of jealousy and power struggle, M, has her own stuff to deal with and I am moer than tired of the merrigo round of debt credit cards and averice that is the centre of her life and love. We were notified of a pention wined up that means we have the chance to pay off the bills, but no more shackles required, I was loathed to accept that the glasses, shoes and clothes were to max the card and then some, but i am still in the bras that we traveled in from 2006, I used to love trawling the charity shops for good hand me downs that cost a few quid but there is little triumph in what I have to do now even if \i am well heeled.
I heard the birds as I started this computer stint, they have been absent int the rush fron town to town I was so relieved to hand the car back to MiL yesterday. M has become intransigent and built a life of her own ever since the now redundant nas family support worker visited and advised her to build a life outside Our little world, that I have a parttime partner now who has mere time at work amd play and the " i miss you quotes is no longer welcome, I have been doing this relationshio thing forever it seems and the love of it is fading with her wanting "other" things. I am in no doubt that she vvalues us and all that but I am much more akin to putting my money where my mouth is and creating what i love not winging about it and doing something else, Being told that foxy was not mone and that she is just the pet was really gutting all because i complained when she broke and agreed feeding pattern.
So while I work out whhich way is up try to clear the for from my brain, cancel the fourth epidural because I amnot recieving the best or fullest care from my bancrupt csh strapped hospital I will wait untill the dust settles, the \i exist campaine I signrd was a foolish notion of empty hope when it comes to grsss roots living and when I can get back to thinking without this trittering in my head as a reality \i will decide what I am to do next and leaving by way of permenance is on the list this time but I am aware it is driven by that single and foolish notion.
On a brighter note you and the biys sound as if things are on the up with the swingometer, forest schools sounds like the best and as for coping with the hours that Owen seems to struggle with may be a half hour late start or ne that skips the playing and registration stuff, or an extra long lunch that includes a knapp in the day ? have you thought about getting O a crush vest, well let me hastily rephrase that, the tight vests that reduce anxiety because they hug all the time, an invention from temple grandin I believe.
So oaty I am off for now with a day on the sofa booked tomorrow, the thoughts of owels flying in the school are a real whiz in my plauged mind just now and I will be here for the next chats, just getting this muck out of my mind I am sure will help. And stopping asking for help as well too, will settle things a lot i am sure.
Life or death if it is clear and with the full power of choice is welcome and as true a friend as can be found any where.