Foxy has four legs

what a difference a day makes, I have had my head spinning this afternoon thinking about the advise I dish out it is one thing to be on the inside of my memories and spout out theworld according to wolfbear but I had a real harsh deal, I happen to think it worked but as I refer to myself as FUBAR ( f**ked up beyond all recognition ) I think there is a pinch of salt needed perhaps.

On the other hand when I did get to find a psycologist recently who had a son who was asd, I had a couple of session and we agreed that I am fairly healthy as an Autistic considering the paper round I had.

But that is not much cosolation when my brain does its thing and I make like a monster. I have gone in some river drift silence past the rage and frustration again and the death wish that dances from time to time in the distance has gone to sleep for a while.

I have no account of this except that the helplessness and hopelessness has gone through its full cycle much like the cycle a child goes through when they get upset, remember the stages, crying, wailing, winging then wailing again then the chin quiver thing followed by the intermittent whimper, then the silence and this only punchuated by the odd whimp till the exhausted stilness that in the journey of every self willed stand contrary to the knowledge our elders hold................

This journey is the slow, repeated, stilted, revisited, willfull journey of every autistic with out the tears initially, as we step without indication to those around us along these stages. Fight our own stillness and resist our steps in the disbelief that the monotropic mind cultivates during our silent early development, we see and name, judge much and when we have something to say it does not fit or produce the expected results and we spend years trying to manipulate the tools we see others have and use well.

It is baffeling to do what we think is the same thing and to produce such disasterous and spectacularly naff outcomes, dispair does not realy have a depth in comparison to the feeling that grows with each drawn shaddow that grows and takes on a life of its own.

It galls me even today that there is a celebration of the "higher function" based on the deal of a lack of linguistic delay. this is bacause talking for me is more of a nervous compultion that I have in part had to control and restrain, the effore this takes is vast and if it were not for the fact that I can sit here in silence so my thoughts can form and flow I would noot be capable of such gee whiz productivity.

I used to see myself as the explosive, destructive, angry, clumbsy etc etc you know the deal you probably watch it in your boy, but I used to say, as I became able to say somethings about how it was for me "if you don't tell me, I do not know" and that pretty much was applicable to everything but I did not know how to say that I had an incredible inferential ability that was based on physical physics and how things flow together I can see the time and motion of things in the natural world, it is harder now as the city around me is like an asault to this skill and I have had to find ways to turn down my sensitivities, but i have taken solace in the things I have found in common with the understandings and ways of the first nation people of turtle island now called the americas.

There are a lot of things I learned about who I am because ther was no understanding so I had a chance to exploe who and what I am na what my humanity is composed of wiht out the pressures that are about today. There are abilities that are lost in the conformity of our time and the sterotyping and preconcieved expectations of how things are and what makes up who wwe are as people.

But the trail has been stopped while I follow my promise and commitment to love one person and grow this aspect of myself, my latest focus is slowly shifting towards affection.

I know about this and am not without faculty but if I do not focus on particular things then I loose them as they can be drowned out easily and if I do not engage something specially; I cannot fix it in me as a skill to call on.

This ability to mentally juggle is the skill of a fractured mind that I have employed a monotropic visualised somersaulting in a clockwork dance of speed that employs the memory and inferencing at such a high degree that, I finally broke when I had my last crisis.

All this would not be possible without the use of some unauthorised medication that is not generally approved of. Without it I would just not have the life I do at all. I would just destroy everthing around me without a doubt, the marked difference is astonishing;

When I say gymnastics of the mind I realy would take pages to describe the combination and volumn of processes I have employed to move from the limits of my initial skills to where I am today, thee different sequences and the nnon return aspect of choices and how that influences the ability to progress. along witht he consequences of a wrong decission or poor choice and its indellable influence.

I am fortunate to have a pal who is doing a Phd. on the subject of pain medications and medical professional reluctance to consider and prescribe alternatives that are in use and available around the world. Travel helps a lot with perspectives and pressures as does the vast aray of books read. I started with solzynitsyn. So you can imagine the darkness your boy is wading through and the hand holds he does not know how to ask for.

WB.

YARDA- KNOW - to KNOW intimately - as a person is known in a personal intimate relationship....................... I am who I am, I know who I am.

what a difference a day makes, I have had my head spinning this afternoon thinking about the advise I dish out it is one thing to be on the inside of my memories and spout out theworld according to wolfbear but I had a real harsh deal, I happen to think it worked but as I refer to myself as FUBAR ( f**ked up beyond all recognition ) I think there is a pinch of salt needed perhaps.

On the other hand when I did get to find a psycologist recently who had a son who was asd, I had a couple of session and we agreed that I am fairly healthy as an Autistic considering the paper round I had.

But that is not much cosolation when my brain does its thing and I make like a monster. I have gone in some river drift silence past the rage and frustration again and the death wish that dances from time to time in the distance has gone to sleep for a while.

I have no account of this except that the helplessness and hopelessness has gone through its full cycle much like the cycle a child goes through when they get upset, remember the stages, crying, wailing, winging then wailing again then the chin quiver thing followed by the intermittent whimper, then the silence and this only punchuated by the odd whimp till the exhausted stilness that in the journey of every self willed stand contrary to the knowledge our elders hold................

This journey is the slow, repeated, stilted, revisited, willfull journey of every autistic with out the tears initially, as we step without indication to those around us along these stages. Fight our own stillness and resist our steps in the disbelief that the monotropic mind cultivates during our silent early development, we see and name, judge much and when we have something to say it does not fit or produce the expected results and we spend years trying to manipulate the tools we see others have and use well.

It is baffeling to do what we think is the same thing and to produce such disasterous and spectacularly naff outcomes, dispair does not realy have a depth in comparison to the feeling that grows with each drawn shaddow that grows and takes on a life of its own.

It galls me even today that there is a celebration of the "higher function" based on the deal of a lack of linguistic delay. this is bacause talking for me is more of a nervous compultion that I have in part had to control and restrain, the effore this takes is vast and if it were not for the fact that I can sit here in silence so my thoughts can form and flow I would noot be capable of such gee whiz productivity.

I used to see myself as the explosive, destructive, angry, clumbsy etc etc you know the deal you probably watch it in your boy, but I used to say, as I became able to say somethings about how it was for me "if you don't tell me, I do not know" and that pretty much was applicable to everything but I did not know how to say that I had an incredible inferential ability that was based on physical physics and how things flow together I can see the time and motion of things in the natural world, it is harder now as the city around me is like an asault to this skill and I have had to find ways to turn down my sensitivities, but i have taken solace in the things I have found in common with the understandings and ways of the first nation people of turtle island now called the americas.

There are a lot of things I learned about who I am because ther was no understanding so I had a chance to exploe who and what I am na what my humanity is composed of wiht out the pressures that are about today. There are abilities that are lost in the conformity of our time and the sterotyping and preconcieved expectations of how things are and what makes up who wwe are as people.

But the trail has been stopped while I follow my promise and commitment to love one person and grow this aspect of myself, my latest focus is slowly shifting towards affection.

I know about this and am not without faculty but if I do not focus on particular things then I loose them as they can be drowned out easily and if I do not engage something specially; I cannot fix it in me as a skill to call on.

This ability to mentally juggle is the skill of a fractured mind that I have employed a monotropic visualised somersaulting in a clockwork dance of speed that employs the memory and inferencing at such a high degree that, I finally broke when I had my last crisis.

All this would not be possible without the use of some unauthorised medication that is not generally approved of. Without it I would just not have the life I do at all. I would just destroy everthing around me without a doubt, the marked difference is astonishing;

When I say gymnastics of the mind I realy would take pages to describe the combination and volumn of processes I have employed to move from the limits of my initial skills to where I am today, thee different sequences and the nnon return aspect of choices and how that influences the ability to progress. along witht he consequences of a wrong decission or poor choice and its indellable influence.

I am fortunate to have a pal who is doing a Phd. on the subject of pain medications and medical professional reluctance to consider and prescribe alternatives that are in use and available around the world. Travel helps a lot with perspectives and pressures as does the vast aray of books read. I started with solzynitsyn. So you can imagine the darkness your boy is wading through and the hand holds he does not know how to ask for.

WB.

YARDA- KNOW - to KNOW intimately - as a person is known in a personal intimate relationship....................... I am who I am, I know who I am.