Hi I am a mum and my adult son has aspergers

Hi I have recently moved my son into a housing association flat to try to be independant, however he cannot cope with the responsibility and spends most of his time with me. He has ASD and is dyslexic and also has mental health issues. My worry is what happens to him when I go, I am a pensioner. I cannot find any help in this area and I am worried that he may eventually need residential care, what should I do. thanks for listening. Anita

Please remember how easy it is to misunderstand what people mean, and remain civil so that we can continue to help new members. 

Your comments have helped me to understand from an aspergers perception. If you re-read my posting you may try and understand what I am concerned about. Not for me but for my son. I have not spent 21years trying to 'label' him. I have spent his 24 years loving and trying to understand him. And trying to find a way to help him understand himself, and I did hope the diagnosis would help him to do just that.

I am sure that i do contribute to his distress because i dont always understand him but I can't and won't be here for the rest of his life and I want him to be confident in his best abilities of which there are many. The financial issues are only a small example of the problems faced by families, and minute part of the whole picture concerning my son, the overall concern is for his happiness and welfare. I didn't mention that also he is gay which is not a 'label' but a fact and presents him with other prejudices to overcome.  

So forgive me for appearing to be an overbearing mum, and no I don't scream and shout at him or point out his perceived shortcomings, I applaud his successes, but I will continue to strive to help him understand himself it's what mums do. perhaps if you tried to understand your own parents reactions you may not be so harsh in your judgement of the rest of us.

i am disappointed by your response which is harsh and unfair and completely missed the point of what I was trying to say. Which is to be clear my son has aspergers, the diagnosis helped us a lot to understand him.  but i want him to understand himself, embrace his condition, be confident, and recognise his many attributes and most of all know that his family and friends love him for himself because he is special.

I can see both sides of the coin.  I am an adult with Asperger's - who is also parent to two autistic children.

I don't think that the above posters intended to sound the way you have taken them Longman.  As a mother, you never stop worrying about your children, when you see what is troubling them you want to fix it.  I hear parents who have tried desperately to help, perhaps sometimes it wasn't the best type of help for their child, but their intentions were good.

Perhaps, stepping back and asking your sons what they would like, or what they feel would help them, might be useful?

Presumably you are both aware that Asperger's/autism is a neurological difference, and not a mental illness?  Your sons need to also know that and to be confident that you are aware of it.  Asperger's can give amazing talents and skills.  Focus on those and support where it's needed, ensure your sons are aware that they just have a different balance of talents and deficits than everyone else, but everyone has them.

Medication is a result of co-morbid mental health issues, largely resulting from anxiety and depression because of trying to exist in a society which doesn't understand you.  Your sons will know whether you understand them from things you say, they may not voice it, but they will think it.

Dear Longman

I do find your comments harsh and you need to remeber we are here to support new members and Im sure as parents we try to do everything we can to support them in everyway and certainly do not see them as a creature!

I agree with intenseworld and you seem to have a clearer picture of what was trying to be said.

 We are here to provide support and not name call.

While I was writing the above someone else made a similar posting, and one, to me, equally horrific. Who are you describing T1llyp0T?  A person? or some creature you despise?

I was diagnosed with aspergers late in life, and grew up with it when it was little known. I had great difficulty thoughout childhood and teens and through my twenties. I got a handle on things as I developed stronger self identity, even though low self esteem and self confidence dogged me.

Much of my early experience was my parents' perhaps well intentioned but demoralising blame culture. My difficulties were down to something I was doing wrong, it was all down to laziness, obduracy, bad attitude, talking to much and being wifully odd. And this was something that had to be knocked out of me, most by shouting at me and subjecting me to long inquisitions.

Of course in retrospect I know that just produced overload and suppressed my self-identity. My self esteem and self confidence were permanently zapped by home, school, early work. I got clear of it by leaving home, albeit at 25 and to do a postgraduate degree, and strangely, contrary to predictions, didn't crash!

I think a lot of difficulties are created by parents, not helped. It might be well intentioned, but shows a lack of understanding of the difficulties faced by people on the spectrum, social understanding, sensory issues and overload.

Please talk about your sons as people, with humanity, not as specimens in a laboratory where you've put in time and effort, apparently to no avail. I can see why you are getting nowhere.

An asperger diagnosis has several implications to consider here: it sets out patterns of behaviour which can account for personal characteristics - a rather frightening prospect of reading about your self as a type in a book. This might seem to take away any sense of self determination or independent personality. Put yourself in his position - you've suddenly acquired a persona you can read about in a textbook.

Secondly this is still a massively misunderstood condition. A lot of health and social services people are still presented with a picture, based on classic "types" referred to psychologists, of someone who has tantrums, behaves immaturely, will lash out at people for no known reason, may make inappropriate sexual advances etc.

A few years ago I met a professional who had a deep set aversion to people on the autistic spectrum because she knew someone who had been groped by a person described as autistic in a care centre, and that for her was sufficient proof that all such people were sex perverts. I bet she knew plenty of people who had been groped by the boss or the office flirt, but that's different apparently.

A diagnosis will help, but it can feel like a life sentence.

Most of what you describe is financial imprudence - someone who takes on credit they cannot pay off. Now that could be one characteristic of having aspergers, but its only one facet in some people. If all the people who got into debt and opened accounts they cannot sustain did so purely on account of aspergers we'd probably have had a lot more attention to curing aspergers!  

I don't think it is fair to use an asperger's diagnosis as a "solve-all". And what is more important here? You being able to say "I told you so"?  Or your son being able to get his life on track.

The causes of difficult episodes may combine poor social communication and sensory issues. Amongst these can be an overly protective and intrusive family that undermines his self confidence and self esteem and wont stop going on at him.

If any benefit is to come out of this asperger diagnosis family has to realise that the ability of individuals to cope with "lecturing" is to shut down, and confidence building is crucial to survival.

All I can see in your posting is he's not listening to you. When he crashes and burns, as you put it, are you contributing to his distress? Is his financial imprudence down to trying assert his own independent personality without you ruling him?

Sorry if you take aversion to my suggestions. But my perception is you need to step back from this a bit, and see him as an adult, not the person with aspergers you spent 21 years trying to get diagnosed.

Hi

I so understand where you are coming from, My son still wont accept he has it and even when we joined a support group he just kept saying well Im not like them innone polite terms. He says to me that he has excepted his aspergers but like you we know they sometimes say it to get us of their backs or for an easier life. Like your son my son can be very fuuny with humour but will also crash and burn. As fro councelling my son hates talking about himself and so that didnt work for us, he laso hates it when he catches me talking about him to others so it can be cloak and dagger. The good thing is he sounds like he has good friends, as my son tries to jump through hoops to keep his and then they can stray away. I dont think my son will ever except it and I can see more of his difficulties than he can. My son is now on medication and I refused for a long time to xcept this but a very low dose and a lot of research later we have sort of come to a balance but he will always be in denial. I do worry everyday about him I think as a mum we never will x