Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi I am new to this site and would welcome your comments and help. My son was finally diagnosed with aspergers at 21 after a lifelong battle with our GP who refused to acknowledge his differences and labelled me an over protective mother not willing to accept that he was just badly behaved. I won't bore you with the tedious details of the lengthy battle to diagnosis, I am sure this is familiar to many of you.
The diagnosis was a huge relief to us as parents, and his sister as we always knew that he was special. For the last three years we have researched, read everything we could, and tried to put in place the best support possible to help him live an independant life. We have had some success, he is well capable of holding down his job as a carer, but periodically, he will crash and burn. Usually something will trigger him to believe he is useless, and he will walk away. It is tough to try and always understand and accept some of the situations he gets himself in to. Continuous bad debt pay day loans phone contracts, we have paid off thousands over the years. And yes I know we should let them fail, so he learns. There is an account currently that he is being pursued for that we are not going to settle. A bad credit rating would be a godsend to put an end to them.
our main problem is whilst we try so hard to understand him, he doesn't understand himself, and doesn't accept that he has aspergers, he may say he does to placate me but he doesn't really. He was deeply hurt when I pursued the diagnosis as he said I was trying to get him declared 'mental'. How does one accept having aspergers, does it help to know and try and understand it? How can I persuade him to talk to others and share his feelings? Would it help if he had a mentor or someone outside of the family he could talk to? We love him dearly and want him to be secure in his adult life, and to recognise his many positive characteristics. He is funny, loyal to his friends, clever in ways he does not recognise, different and individual, and much loved by his family and friends. We would like him to go back to our GP (thankfully a new one who has been great) for an updated assessment, but I am scared to broach the subject in case he feels I am again trying to label him as mental. Apologies for length of this post but it is so good to be able to put all my thoughts on paper. I would appreciate hearing from you. Thank you for reading this.
I can see both sides of the coin. I am an adult with Asperger's - who is also parent to two autistic children.
I don't think that the above posters intended to sound the way you have taken them Longman. As a mother, you never stop worrying about your children, when you see what is troubling them you want to fix it. I hear parents who have tried desperately to help, perhaps sometimes it wasn't the best type of help for their child, but their intentions were good.
Perhaps, stepping back and asking your sons what they would like, or what they feel would help them, might be useful?
Presumably you are both aware that Asperger's/autism is a neurological difference, and not a mental illness? Your sons need to also know that and to be confident that you are aware of it. Asperger's can give amazing talents and skills. Focus on those and support where it's needed, ensure your sons are aware that they just have a different balance of talents and deficits than everyone else, but everyone has them.
Medication is a result of co-morbid mental health issues, largely resulting from anxiety and depression because of trying to exist in a society which doesn't understand you. Your sons will know whether you understand them from things you say, they may not voice it, but they will think it.