Constant need to be productive. Not letting yourself rest/stop unless seriously in crisis or ill

I relate to this a great deal. For me, it's a combination of a few things:

1. I grew up quite poor so I'm always worried about making sure I can pay my bills (even now that I don't really have to worry about it any more) and being seen to work hard
2. Internalised ableism regarding my physical illnesses- one of which is IBS actually, so I relate to that very specifically too
3. Being autistic for so long without knowing, wondering why it was so difficult for me to do things that came so easily to others, made me push myself extra hard to try and achieve those difficult things anyway

I do think it's becoming easier as I learn more about myself- both my physical limitations and whatever my brain is up to. Acceptance therapy has helped a lot, but I know therapy's inaccessible to a lot of people: self-help and learning about spoon theory can go a long way towards the same end result.

Hi, I am glad that it is becoming easier for you and that therapy helped. I can relate to what you say, especially about pushing yourself extra hard. I also didn't know I was autistic for a long time and like you say, I just thought I 'had' to be able to cope with or do certain things as everyone else was doing those things... and over time pushing and pushing just takes a toll... but it also makes it harder for people that know me to understand why I can't cope or do those things at the moment... My mum says sometimes, 'but you used to be okay doing that' or 'but you've managed that in the past' but I wasn't as worn out then... and it came at a huge cost to my mental and physical health. And realising that makes me not want to go down that route again. 

It helps to know that we are not alone. 

I actually might finally be able to access some support though if I do take up the PhD position. I had a meeting today with an autism advisor and they are applying to get mentoring for me, will send me information about social groups for autistic students and will draw up a student support document which will explain about being autistic and what that means in my case to other people at the university, including my supervisor. I almost cried at the meeting- this is the first time since my diagnosis that it actually enabled me to access support. I disclosed at my work and all I got there was 'oh everyone is a little autistic' and there is no support for adults in my area. 

I still don't know if I will be able to start the PhD. I'm so burnt out and the spark is gone, but if I do at least I would  get support, which will be a first for me. 

Hi, I am glad that it is becoming easier for you and that therapy helped. I can relate to what you say, especially about pushing yourself extra hard. I also didn't know I was autistic for a long time and like you say, I just thought I 'had' to be able to cope with or do certain things as everyone else was doing those things... and over time pushing and pushing just takes a toll... but it also makes it harder for people that know me to understand why I can't cope or do those things at the moment... My mum says sometimes, 'but you used to be okay doing that' or 'but you've managed that in the past' but I wasn't as worn out then... and it came at a huge cost to my mental and physical health. And realising that makes me not want to go down that route again. 

It helps to know that we are not alone. 

I actually might finally be able to access some support though if I do take up the PhD position. I had a meeting today with an autism advisor and they are applying to get mentoring for me, will send me information about social groups for autistic students and will draw up a student support document which will explain about being autistic and what that means in my case to other people at the university, including my supervisor. I almost cried at the meeting- this is the first time since my diagnosis that it actually enabled me to access support. I disclosed at my work and all I got there was 'oh everyone is a little autistic' and there is no support for adults in my area. 

I still don't know if I will be able to start the PhD. I'm so burnt out and the spark is gone, but if I do at least I would  get support, which will be a first for me.