Constant need to be productive. Not letting yourself rest/stop unless seriously in crisis or ill

I have found that since I have been diagnosed, five weeks ago, I have been unable to enjoy my special interests. I am happy that I got diagnosed, but I feel as if I am spending more energy, trying to keep the elated-vibe going.

l am encountering various new-entities following diagnosis, but there are large gaps between each conversation, I am trying not to engage in time-wasting. I don’t want to drop back into old behaviours. So during the day I furiously try to use only interactive entertainment, then when the night draws-around, I have to have a depressive-attack just to come back down.

I can have a good short-term memory, but my thoughts are only as good as the last thing I read, I tend to slip back into breathless digression after a few days. Everything you are saying has had a baring on me in the last month, but I’ve fluctuated so much that, I have forgotten where I stand on my feelings.  

Ive always had a hard time accumulating large projects, eventually I am sensing more than I have capacity to process, essentially I believe that this is the real reason why my mask is not real.
If there was ever a case why I need a support worker, it’s that I cannot cater to more than one tier of Maslow’s-hierarchy at one time, if I am to succeed in life I need help with the daily tasks. I have a poor sense of self and if I cannot cater to my physiology, without actively thinking about it, I am doomed to constant unaccounted overload.

Join the Club. 

I have to be constantly busy. The coach journeys, today, filled me with anxiety; and I was sick on the latter route. But I relaxed on the ferry, and a man from my village was on the ferry; his son was able to bring me home, after I reclaimed my case. 

Hi, I am glad that it is becoming easier for you and that therapy helped. I can relate to what you say, especially about pushing yourself extra hard. I also didn't know I was autistic for a long time and like you say, I just thought I 'had' to be able to cope with or do certain things as everyone else was doing those things... and over time pushing and pushing just takes a toll... but it also makes it harder for people that know me to understand why I can't cope or do those things at the moment... My mum says sometimes, 'but you used to be okay doing that' or 'but you've managed that in the past' but I wasn't as worn out then... and it came at a huge cost to my mental and physical health. And realising that makes me not want to go down that route again. 

It helps to know that we are not alone. 

I actually might finally be able to access some support though if I do take up the PhD position. I had a meeting today with an autism advisor and they are applying to get mentoring for me, will send me information about social groups for autistic students and will draw up a student support document which will explain about being autistic and what that means in my case to other people at the university, including my supervisor. I almost cried at the meeting- this is the first time since my diagnosis that it actually enabled me to access support. I disclosed at my work and all I got there was 'oh everyone is a little autistic' and there is no support for adults in my area. 

I still don't know if I will be able to start the PhD. I'm so burnt out and the spark is gone, but if I do at least I would  get support, which will be a first for me. 

I relate to this a great deal. For me, it's a combination of a few things:

1. I grew up quite poor so I'm always worried about making sure I can pay my bills (even now that I don't really have to worry about it any more) and being seen to work hard
2. Internalised ableism regarding my physical illnesses- one of which is IBS actually, so I relate to that very specifically too
3. Being autistic for so long without knowing, wondering why it was so difficult for me to do things that came so easily to others, made me push myself extra hard to try and achieve those difficult things anyway

I do think it's becoming easier as I learn more about myself- both my physical limitations and whatever my brain is up to. Acceptance therapy has helped a lot, but I know therapy's inaccessible to a lot of people: self-help and learning about spoon theory can go a long way towards the same end result.

Yes, I have this too, although not to the same extent. I find it really hard to give myself permission to relax. I do relax a bit, but unfortunately in my case not giving myself enough time to relax often seems to result in mindless internet procrastination (which is frequently upsetting or annoying rather than relaxing) instead of giving myself permission to read a book or watch TV.

I think it stems from perfectionism rather than autism. Are you a perfectionist? I have been since childhood, sadly.

I agree with Cece about putting relaxation into your daily plan. Can you do something relaxing while you eat (e.g. watch TV, listen to music), to "trick" yourself into relaxing while feeling like you're doing something important (eating)?

Ann :) said:

At this point I just can't see the reasons behind my choices anymore.

Hi Ann,

I recognise that thought far too much!; I understand what you mean.. I think this is a burn out, and I think you are right in not forcing yourself to do something that you used to enjoy because you will end up hating it...!

If you can delay or wait until you feel better, that will be ideal, and in the meantime try to untangle or resolve your burnout.

My burnouts left me intolerant of everything, nothing made sense including my own choices. It might not feel like it now, but it will pass, you just need some time and the ability to "face your demons" as there was always a chain of events that lead to the burnout so you need to be aware of what is happening and how to work through it.

I am not much of a "sit still" type person either, I have no hobbies and I can't relax in the typical sense. However I do what works for me which could be some alone/quite time, be it in the bath/shower or just sitting quitely on the bed for a while, it helps me recharge and carry on.

If I feel particularly energetic then I can opt for doing simple tidy up/chores around the house, the key is to avoid social interactions so I have music in my ears and I enjoy what I am doing, which is great for me because I feel useful but in the other hand almost have fun doing it!

Yes, I can relate to tbis a little. And I was very pleased with myself recently, when in my dream I was firmly and assertively turning down work opportunities instead of dutifully chasing them!

But at 64 retirement is getting closer to the horizon. Or at least not being under too much pressure to keep chasing the day job. 

Did something ever threaten your fiscal survival? With me it was long-term unemployment, having graduated in 19i1,and then being hassled by restart and not wanting to be forced into workfare schemes, and then dealing many years with immigration, where a foot wrong can lead you to being expelled, which on one occasion, it actually did. And then. the sheer pressure of making ends meet every month?

But everyone may have different reasons for getting into that space I guess. 

If you can try to write out a post, breaking down a problem you have, and the community can help you develop each component further..)

Vicious Flowers consist of the ‘trigger box’ (in which you write about the trigger as an automatic thought) and ‘a flower’ (consisting of a central circle:“key thoughts and meanings”; and four petals: “emotions”, “behaviours”, “physical sensation”, and “attention focus”).

-trigger: describe the trigger of anxiety or fear; I.e. standing on the train I start to feel dizzy.

-key thoughts and meanings: the effect of anxiety on your thinking; I.e. I’m going to collapse because I’m humiliated.

-attention focus: I.e. focusing on how dizzy I feel and whether my legs are wobbly.

-emotions: I.e. anxiety and panic.

- physical sensations: Dizziness, heart-racing, sweaty.

- behaviours: take a sip of water, sit down, hold pole.

When you understand the mechanisms of a problem you can target it more effectively; where negative automatic thoughts are concerned, it gives you the ability to think of negative-thoughts as a commodity.

Hi, Thanks. Yes I know that I need to reframe my view of rest. It's just not so easy to undo as I have functioned in this way my whole life... it used to be better because I had hobbies I loved that I considered 'productive' so there was a balance. But sadly I haven't been able to do those hobbies for 3 years now (due to injuries etc- I used to love all outdoor exercise- hiking being my absolute favourite, but also loved running, cycling, riding etc). The concept of rest is just foreign to me and I haven't really found restful activities that I enjoy engaging with.... 

The situation is complicated by the fact that I am so burnt out and completely unsure if starting something new now is right for me. I am terrified of the international move and I feel forced into it- it will only be for 6 months but I don't feel able to cope. At this point I just can't see the reasons behind my choices anymore. I do not feel any desire to push myself to make things work. I don't know if it's the burnout or if it was never right for me... the whole situation is a mess. I am so tired of chasing one goal after another and just harming myself in the process... The PhD proposal would be a challenge in normal times but also fun- I used to love science- it was what kept my life together- but I don't feel it at the moment and it feels even sadder to have to force myself to do something that I would usually enjoy. I am too burnt out.... 

I will keep in mind what you said- I think scheduling in relaxation time is definitely something I will do and keep doing. If you don't mind sharing, what are your favourite ways to 'rest'? 

The only success with relaxation I have had is that since I moved to a place with a bath a few weeks ago, I now take a daily bath in the evening to relax before bed, which I think is a good routine. 

One second of work.. interesting concept 

I do get scared starting new things all the time, but I find that identifying that and working through it helps overcome it, but the "one second of work" is new to me.. will try it, although maybe iincreased to a slightly higher amount like 5 or 10 minutes or something, as I can't do anything in a second

I love the fact that you have identified the beginning as the most difficult part. 
I love hearing solutions on how to begin. 
I do only ‘one second of work’ as a way of starting.  In other words I allow for that as a perfectly acceptable amount of time. 
I can start if I know o only have to do one second of work. 
Once I have started I am often happy to continue. 
Taking pressure off is sometimes very welcome to me. 

I’d like to try what you suggest.   How can I get more info?  Can you please explain what ‘vicious flowers’ means and if possible can you please explain what it means to  break thoughts  down into their component parts?

Thanks again for your helpful entry in this thread. 

I don't think you fully appreciate the NEED to rest and do activities you enjoy.

Resting is not a luxury in the same sense as sleeping is optional and only if we have time.

I believe that you need to reassess your mindset. Resting needs to be included in your day plan as its own deliverable and achieving it should be rewarded not resented!

I find that allocating time for certain activities helps start them.. the most difficult part is the beginning, so just start simple, create a word document, name it appropriately, fix the format etc etc and once the prep is finished, you will naturally flow into doing the proposal.

As to a huge task like planning an international move, there could be an element of hesitation there, so try and remember why you are doing it and get excited about it.. to help motivate you to start the planning.

For me, it's a constant need to focus that wears me out.  A constant unwillingness to just relax.

A trick that I used to stop the Negative Automatic Thoughts, was to keep a diary of ‘vicious flowers’, in which you break down thoughts into there component parts.  
Then I find a place to discuss the completed entries with people; to discuss the emotions, the physical sensations, the triggers, and the attention focus’; that way I can make-a-crack in the negative thought by looking forward to discussing it.

Where writing is concerned, I speed-write about my automatic thoughts to get my dexterity-up, and I discuss the entries with others to improve and turn my thoughts towards writing for an audience.  You’ll probably notice, that you are never as harsh with your audience, as you are with yourself. So write for an audience.

Where GI is concerned I stabilised my diet for reasons other that myself, because I lived in a shared homeless-shelter with youths, so I worked my digestion to avoid them. Consequently, I learned that fibre, dairy-free, gluten-free, pre/probiotics, and hydration are key to balancing my diet.