Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve noticed as a single adult (27) in a flat share, I stay in my room all weekend sometimes after working full-time all week. For example this weekend I work up at 9am on Saturday and lay in bed watching Once Upon A Time and cleaning my (very cluttered and messy) room and doing a house cleaning task once an hour, and today I lay I bed all day watching Tik Toks and watching Once Upon A Time. I also ordered take out five times. I do not do this every weekend, but do any autistic adults find they feel so flat sometimes once every fortnight or month that they get really lazy and tired; because it feels like their energy has been drained by the stress of being around strangers? I even avoid my flat mates because if feel like living with strangers drains me almost. I meant to work on projects all weekend, cook my own meals, and get out for a picnic and did not.
Yes, it is often the same for me. I tend to do nothing at all at the weekends, because I have to recharge. I call it decomposing. I sleep a lot, do nothing, have no obligations. It's the only way I can recover from burnout at least slightly.
It was very difficult for me when I had to live with other people. I used to go without eating for example, because I could hear people in the kitchen and the effort of having to talk to others was so draining that I'd rather starve.
I can relate to that- It was really hard for me to live with other people. Student accommodation at my uni was relatively ok because it was quite impersonal and I felt like I had my own space. The university also cleaned communal areas regularly (which in a way makes me feel spoilt but I understand why it is necessary), which really helped as I have a very low tolerance for mess especially in kitchen. Initially we didn't have a proper kitchen so I had some illegal hobs in my room... and later on luckily the kitchen wasn't so busy as I really don't like to cook or eat around people.
But when I first lived in a flatshare in Germany it was super hard. In my first week I remember coming home and finding a large group of people (like 6 or more) loudly talking and cooking in the kitchen, cooking stuff with onions too (which I don't tolerate well and the smell was very triggering). I remember panicking and it was so stressful that the roommate hadn't warned me that guests were coming- She thought I was being utterly ridiculous as for them it was very normal to just bring people to visit spontaneously... The other girls living there were nice but for me it was hard. I often waited until everyone was gone from kitchen or quickly grabbed stuff and hid in my room. Also when I was working late or had a weird rhythm it was always awkward as I was worried about disturbing people when cooking at 10pm (as they were in bed then already...)- so I constantly also felt like I had to be on guard to not disturb anyone else.... My next flat-sharing experiences in Germany were even worse... I now know that I just can't cope with that... so I totally understand that you would rather not eat to avoid having to face flatmates... I don't think I could cope with sharing again...
Because my family are traditional Catholics and believe in the principles of traditional ultra strict discipline as being everything, they appear to be following Catholic social teaching regarding disability and mental health issues after consulting with the local Parish Priest in my home parish who is well versed in Canon Law - long before my diagnosis, people here and in my former supermarket workplace expressed strong disapproval of my living alone in a council property and they want a whole team of professionals to come in and manage my condition - they have even contacted a number of religious orders of Catholic priests and nuns around Manchester to see if a priest or a nun can come in as a live in carer in order to fulfil certain religious obligations as defined by them without any reference to what I may need or want (as I’m deemed to be always wrong because of my condition)
What would you prefer? When I moved into my own 1 room apartment after flat sharing, it was like a huge burden was lifted- finally i was able to relax more and breathe... I hadn’t realised how much of a stress sharing put on me until I was removed from that environment. I didn’t know I was autistic at time. I now know that living on my own is very important to me. At times I thought maybe making myself live with others would be good to make me socialise more but I don’t think that works for me- I never fit in and I need my space and to be able to carefully dose my social interactions and have somewhere to retreat and recuperate from the stresses of world. Why are your family concerned about you living alone?
Interesting perspectives here - before my diagnosis, I was always told by family that I should never have a flat share and live alone, but since my diagnosis in later life, they are now telling me that I must have a live-in carer to have the ultra strict discipline that they maintain is essential to managing my condition
I also found the smells of other people's cooking very stressful to deal with, when they are strong smells or ones I don't like, or if there are multiple going on at once, it's overwhelming. I wish I could switch the sense of smell off sometimes, it stresses me out and I have to leave to get away from it.