Published on 12, July, 2020
Several days ago, I found myself on the receiving end of a Friend Request from a new member, which immediately caused me to feel unnerved and suspicious.
I question if it's a generational thing, or if it's just me. At the time that I received this request, there had been no prior interaction on the forum between myself and this member. Furthermore, their member profile was completely blank. Therefore, I had no way of knowing if this person was on a similar wavelength to me, or if we had anything remotely in common.
It's an interesting thing with Friend requests. I've understandably had very few, and would never presume to initiate one (self esteem issues!). The few I've had (for which I am grateful) seem to operate in dormant mode - honorary rather than functional. That's OK, just the prevailing etiquette I suppose! It's just kind of someone to make the gesture, and that's enough.
The one exception was a lovely person who was on here for a while, sent me a friend request, would initiate actual conversations, and a nice friendship with intermittent contact was tentatively developing. We talked about/shared music, favourite tv, and a little about life in general. Then they changed their name overnight. I sent them a message to say that if they were indicating they no longer wanted to talk privately, I understood but hopefully they'd still be around on the forum as they were a really nice person whose posts were always really positive and encouraging to anyone on here. They then suddenly removed all their friends, and a day later disappeared off the forum altogether. It left me feeling pretty low as it was the latest instance of making me realise yet again what a 'small doses' person I am. To the extent that even ND people will sooner of later flee from my overly-wordy way of talking. Of course, it may have not been me (or just me) at all. Other stuff may have been going on in their life, or they may have been someone who really burns through their special interests (this place as 'the answer' so to speak), 100% into it and then suddenly not.
Goodbyes and disappearances are always hard, probably best to assume any interaction with anyone could be one's last and never get complecent.
Anyway, I can understand your caution Sparkly, especially in light of some stuff you went through a while back. Trust must always be earned, and if something feels too out of the blue, or pushy, I'd say you're wise to tread carefully.
You say you have 'understandably' received few Friend Requests Shardovan. From my perspective, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Whilst YOU may think it's understandable, I don't, and I feel sure that I am not alone in thinking that.
In addition to feeling low, I imagine that you must have felt confused when the friend you had built up a good rapport with, suddenly disappeared from the forum completely. However, as they had removed ALL their friends beforehand, and not just you, I would be inclined not to dwell on it too much and take it to heart. Yes, I know this can be easier said than done.
Thanks Sparkly, that’s very kind. And you’re right - on balance it was something going on with them, not me. The same person had, not long before, started a thread/poll asking for forum improvements to help them feel and others safer, especially from predatory men. Ways to block etc. no wonder given some of the nonsense that women (especially) online have to put up with. Maybe they just never got to a place of feeling this was enough of a safe space to trust one or several private friendships - even ones they initiated- being as they appeared - authentic, gentle and appropriate (assuming it was the case for the others too). I just hope that no tiny nuance of any comment at any point was the trigger to flee. Or that I gave the impression I’d be messaging way often than would have been the case. Ultimately I will never know, it’s just one of those things that makes me feels like an alien sometimes even on here. People seemingly highly valuing something one minute, discarding it the next. Makes me realise why solitude is probably my healthiest state - I’m not good at treating personal connection like fast food. So I’d rather have nutrition or starve.