Visiting friends is a nightmare

I understand it must be frustrating as a parent, but knowing a child is on the spectrum doesn't magically give other people patience or make them tolerate screaming, tantrums or apparent "rudeness" any more easily.

They are still human and just because you know someone isn't being blunt or rude on purpose doesn't make it any less hurtful for those at the receiving end. This is something I try to keep in mind myself but it isn't always easy.

Hi

I just want to say you are not alone.  I am a mum of a nearly 7 year old son with ASD.  It is a complete nightmare going places at times especialy as other mums want to do what they want to do and do not realise that if you take our sons focal topic of interest away then this would ultimately create a trigger situation and a breakdown in behaviour.  Looking at this two ways, our sons have to learn to play, yet they are still so young to be able to figure things out for themselves due to their lack of maturity and social awareness skills so this is hard for them to do and may set up a negative mindset if not controlled in some way however this is also a learning experience and real life for them where they will need to be able to think independently and not be sheltered by us.  I find this is all a balance we have to continually juggle.  Some of my friends I have let go as as soon as they found out about my son they actively went out of their way to avoid us.  Others have been sympathetic, others totally pathetic.  Those that have actually wanted to know more about Aspergers have asked questions.  Others have struggled due to them not wanting to appear ignorant.  I have now reached a balance between my son playing with friends - though usually at our house, as he prefers to stay at home where it is familiar with taking him out to specific SEN friendly youth clubs and play sessions, which also have other kids relatives involved.  This way I have found he has a good general experience in social skills in both supporting and non supporting environments and I am also relaxed as I know the people who deal with him are trained and can handle him if he becomes angry or frustrated. Have you contacted NAS to see where in your area there are sessions like this?  At first I thought to be frank - oh no I don't want my child socialising with people who are the same as him and am now very ashamed to have even thought this as this is totally wrong.  However I find the parents of other children with ASD are far more accepting, understanding and nicer people than the general what I call "rat race" parents in many respects.  They have a broader outlook on life and lack the material value they place on things and of the constant my child has reached this book level attitude.  All I and am sure you want is for our sons to grow up happy and healthy and be a good useful contributing member of society.  This journey we are on certainly reshapes our values, or friendships, our relationships, our life direction and us as people.  Every day is a new day.  Trust your own intuition with what you feel you need to do for your son and your family as a whole and make the changes necessary. Take care.

Hi KBob

I toally agree with you that taking your child to other kids houses is so difficult.  Do you have a centre like I do such as Daisy Chain that you can regularly take your child to?  I also attend a SEN youth club with him which has a climbing wall and all sorts of distractions including their own lego!  My son has a focal interest on LEGO - the new LEGO City undercover is a great game which I have found reduces the explosiveness of his temper when he gets frustrated.  If the child he plays with has a Wiiu or a Wii then perhaps you could take this along with you so that he can play it whilst the others are playing.  The difficulty is I think mainly others misunderstanding of play and triggers.  I have given literature to my friends so that they can read it before I bring my child along just to develop their knowledge so that they can have coping mechanisms as I know even a relative of mine who is totally competent and has kids of her own was one day overwhelmed with my sons outburst and did not really know how to handle him.  Also I find at times I can be quite sensitive to my sons needs depending on his experiences that week so may take things personally such as a look or a supposed friends little off the cuff comments.  It is all a learning experience and you have to just get through the best way you can but also know other mums are going through the same thing and you are not alone.  Take care. 

 ty

Thanks autismtwo. That makes absolute sense. I will definitely try this next time. Sometimes you need another perspective to see what's right in front of your face, so thanks again!

I can suggest a coping strategy. I find if I visit somewhere, that I have to go back there. The person or people I have been involved with agree with me what will happen next time I visit them,, so that I have a mindset or a functional reason to be there, so that it makes sense and open anxiety is not introduced.

So if your friends mum agrees with him what he will do the next time he visits with her,, ie lego, eat a cake.

It may help,, it does for me,, it gives a shipping lane for me to function within, without getting anxiety because the control and environment has been altered.

Thank you everyone. It's a cliche but it is good to know that I'm not the only one. Mummy4, I think you're sharing my child! lol. Unfortunately, support groups etc are tricky for me as I have three children six and under, don't drive and my husband works long hours so that I can stay home with the kids. That's why I thought this was the answer. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll definitely try the case of toys and speak to my friends - again. As for the change in behaviour, I know exactly the cause. My son is attracted to a group of 'naughty' boys at school and he's just soaking their behaviour up like a sponge. I've spoken to school and the EP about this but all I'm told is it's a judgement call I'll have to make. The trouble is, while I don't want my son hanging around with these children, he so likes having so many friends. I think they're drawn to him because they see some of his behaviour as naughty, which seems cool to them. It is tricky sometimes!

Hi - yes, I think we've all felt like that at times.  Basically some friends don't understand.  They may be well-meaning but when the situation actually arises they don't get it +  react accordingly.  This can be very hurtful + difficult to reconcile.  It changes things between you + not for the better. Perhaps you could talk again to your friend + mention things he really likes playing with when he's at her house.   You could say life wd be easier for all concerned if she could leave the lego or whatever out??  Also if your son needs time to chill when he's at her's, is there a room he can use for a little while?  Would she be willing to be more accommodating?  Sorry for all the questions but if you think she's not going to bother, is it worth continuing things?  Friendships are so important that it's worth exploring ways + means of keeping them.  I think you'll know her well enough to gauge whether she'll go that extra mile for you + your son.  Hope things work out.

PS, as has been mentioned previously, do you know why he's getting upset?  It's certainly worth getting to the bottom of.

You say his general behaviour has got worse - has anything happened / changed recently?

Hi completely understand have you tried taking his own favourite toys. My son who is now 9 has a carry case with his favourites in. We take it everywhere.

Hi I can relate completely to this, we have friends who we visit for long weekends but have avoided since last year as it just made me mad at them and upset me. At the time we didnt know what it was all about but after the last visit i started making phonecalls and speaking to professionals, a year down the line and my sons going for an ADOS assessment in 6 months.

My son has difficulty reading situations so they would find him funny for a short while but then you could see it in their faces that he was annoying them, he lost it with their 2 year old (he was 5) as she wiped off his 'technical' drawing on the chalkboard. He doesnt hit he just screams and cries, their response was to tell him shes only a baby and its her house, they were just off with him and keeping him at arms length which hurts. My son also tripped up their child (by accident as hes so clumsy) and they went mad, he got really upset and whilst i was sorry you would have thought she'd broke her leg.   I understand why they are reacting like this but he's my son and he can't help it. 

We havent been since, we are planning to meet them in the summer but on neutral territory and in our own acomodation so we can manage him. The sad thing is he always talks about them and wants to visit, he just wants to be their friends.  We'll see how this goes, otherwise i'll be meeting my friend children and husband free to avoid falling out. Unfortunately without living it they wont understand, i never did before i realized my son is special

Maybe theres groups in your area where you can mix and relax without the fear of it going wrong and keep your friendships to 'you' time?

xx