does anyone else sometimes doubt they're autistic?

It was good talk

I enjoyed it, 

It's time for me to go to work

may your day be full of autistic joy

and on this planet, those days, autistic are being made villains, for doing exactly that

It will save you a lot of stress, to keep it to yourself and the person, and avoid public joining in

I faced such a dilemma month ago, I managed to avoid disclosing it to my manager and still get transfered, so I do not have to work with that person anymore

I planned to say the whole very long truth hoping he will interrrupt me before I get to the point where I would point fingers, so not a white lie

and I didn't play my ace in a sleeve which is phonecall to my previous manager

exactly xD it doesn't feel right to pretend to like and be their friend, if I don't like a person I won't hide it, and I would respect it if some people were the same with me if they don't like me, then I know where I stand with that person

When I call that person out for their awful behaviour, I'm called out for causing "drama" even though I'm just saying that what they said or did was awful 

it's not grudge, because you expressed your feelings, you do not have to suffer any indignities, he is a bully, you have full right to shun him,

just because that is the way for everyone doesn't mean it has to be for you too,

if they are ok with him disrespecting their boundaries it's their choice

plus : they excuse his behaviour, and they don't excuse yours, what would equality act say about it?

yeah, I told him to be nicer to people but then I started getting blamed for their behaviour, and some people excused the behaviour saying "it's just him, it's just his personality to be like that"

what got me is when some people who also questioned that person and called him out privately to me, yet still continued to talk to him and be nice, and I was told to just do the same and talk like we're friends 

forgot one more bit:

It wouldn't be grudge if you told the person why you changed behaviour towards them:

e.g. I am going to avoid you from now on and keep  conversations to minimum because I do not like the way you treat me or talk about me, and that you do not respect my boundaries (I dislike people trying to give you a hug a lot, so I tell it to them right away so they do not do it hopefully)

yeah, I definitely have held a grudge against someone then, but I never think about revenge anything they did just annoyed me for some reason 

I think the distinction is:

when you hold the grudge, you no longer treat them like everyone else ( you can conceal being wary and still treat them like others), so you wouldn't be always nice, snap at them every now and then, being grumpy towards them  etc

occassionaly you consider acting upon it, which is planning a revenge of sorts and not acting upon it

but I might be wrong, it's what I concluded from my observations of people and my own motivations and actions 

I didn't think of it that way, I do have trouble in doubting their true intentions, it's hard to trust someone again when they keep breaking your trust or hurting you, but I feel that's more a personal thing that's just how I am, but it's something I could probably work on

or is it just being wary of a person that caused you doubt seriously what are their true intentions?

I feel like I can hold a grudge sometimes but it depends what it is, if it's something small I won't hold a grudge 

I hurts me deeply when I'm accused of holding a grudge, until then it wouldn't even come to my mind to do so

Interesting about grudges. I feel that grudges are so avoidable or at least repairable, so I get, and remain, very distressed if someone appears to have one but renders it unfixable by not recipcrocating the most tentative of diplomatic bridge-building. I don't think I've ever initiated a grudge, but I can get very hurt by the miscarriage of justice feeling that results from one being set in stone - permanent exile from that person's 'people I acknowledge' exist list, awful to bear when you like or even adore that person. 

not holding a grudge is autistic

and feeling like you are more confortable with autistic than with non-autistic is one of indicators of being autistic too

so your new mission - find out what do you fancy/what you're good at, and embark on a great journey of enjoying it

My Special Interest is Thinking, it does not have to be something material

I did many versions of AQ 50, and I consistently score 42

I'm in a similar position to yourself it seems when I read this. I am waiting to be assessed and I have moments when I doubt whether I am autistic and whether it's the right thing to be doing seeking an assessment.

I am capable of small talk and having a lengthy conversation with people I am familiar with and see lots off. This has led to people commenting how much more confident I am as a person which can appear not to fit with the traits/behaviours of an autistic person. 

Nevertheless, I am very aware that this only tends to happen when another person initiates the conversation with me and I'm not good at initiating conversations and there is also a clear difference when I am around unfamiliar people. I can't do the small talk and I struggle to get beyond hello and maybe how are you for a complete stranger.  

You timed this question well for me, as I had a great big anxiety attack about this earlier. Not my first. But I think its just a natural part of imposter syndrome and no two autistic people are exactly alike.

What happened was I was on here, saw a thread about the AQ  50 in ehich someone said they’d been on the edge of a positive. It suddenly made me remember that before my diagnosis id had a similar result from some sort if online  test. A slightly blunter tool I think.

Then it made me remember that  id filled in a much more thorough questionnaire as part of my assessment. But then I realised that its results weren’t formally included in the diagnostic report. Im 90% sure I was told in the zoom call in which diagnosis confirmation was first made thst the questionnaire had also been in alignment with the ADOS 2 and the other two interview sessions but I started  forensically going back through the report this afternoon, desperate to find something in print about that one element. As I did so, the panic subsided. Everything else in there collectively added up to a clear picture and I got my heart rate back under control. Crucially (something I hope reassures you), there were several  ‘does not display trait X’ type statements alongside the ‘does display trait  Y’ type ones. But there was enough overall to tick boxes in each of the key DSM5 areas required. 

What you’ve described sounds similar to me. Within specific tight parameters over short periods,  I don’t think Im even masking a lot. And can even enjoy conversation with the right person, with reduced hyper -awareness and more  balanced social reciprocity because I’m not in flight or fight or overstimulation mode. God only knows what some of those people make of my autism diagnosis because in a surface way in those narrow parameters Im outwardly (and somewhat inwardly )  fine. But Ive also had other oeople say ‘that makes sense’ about my diagnosis. And it only takes a tipping point in the number of people in a conversation,  a slightly altered context, an off handedly triggering phrase (invisibly catastrophic to me on the inside) or similar to make me remember with certainty that the diagnosis is correct. That my environment overwhelms and disables me, unpredictably, outside of a limited repertoire of scenarios. And my masking (and a sense of accelerating panic as I either clam up or ramble on unpredictability with no self control) goes to 11.  I imagine its the same for you too.

we mustnt feel guilty when we’ve functioned just fine in one kind of encounter with a known and trusted person. The rest of your history and future doesnt vanish into smokd because of it. Give it five minutes, an hour, an afternoon and your doubts will fade, replaced with  certainty. 

I can’t say that I do and I certainly wouldn’t like to comment on your personal situation and try to convince you to think or feel a certain way. However, I would also like to highlight the word ‘stereotypical’ that you made use of in your post.

The features you made reference to are exactly that; stereotypes. Each autistic person doesn’t need to display any or all of the aspects you mentioned in order to be autistic. Rather, I like to think of the spectrum as a very broad thing, with people finding strengths and areas of difficulty within it. I like the phrase ‘when you’ve met an autistic person, you have met one autistic person’. My challenges, strengths and presentations are personal to me and will differ to the next autistic person. 

I don’t know how useful you’ll find this post, but I just wanted to point out that many autistic people will be happily able to navigate the aspects you described, where as many will not. We are all unique to ourselves, but find commonality with those who experience the same as us or similar to us. So perhaps doubting whether an individual is autistic is something that is tricky when you consider the uniqueness of a person’s diagnosis, but equally, you are more than entitled to feel the way you do. The journey to self discovery is a long one, and is one I’m still on. 

Best of luck with everything.