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Feeling like a failure

Kate Kestrel

I’ve had a difficult few months and recently I’ve felt like such a failure. I’ve been thinking about my life and all the struggles I’ve had just to cope with normal life - stuff that so many other people seem to breeze through and cope really well with - and I’ve just had this awful overwhelming feeling today of feeling like such a failure. I know now that much of my struggle with day to day life is due to me being autistic (and also my childhood with parents who were very flawed and emotionally distant) and most of the time I try to be positive. But these last couple of weeks I’ve found myself experiencing a lot of self hatred and feeling like such a failure.

I realise this sounds like self pity - and maybe it is! I don’t want to be thinking like this and I know it’s self destructive. 
But how do other autistic people come to terms with the fact that they’ve spent their lives struggling so much with day to day life, and living with a lot of anxiety etc? When I was younger I think I felt better about myself - I enjoyed being different and unique. But now I find myself looking at other people who have had more conventionally ‘successful’ lives and friendships and feeling like a failure in comparison. I think being autistic has made life very difficult for me. 

How do other people come to terms with being accepting of these sorts of thoughts and feelings? And how do you keep positive about the way being autistic has impacted on your ability to really engage with life and achieve things? 

I want to be more positive but am struggling today. Does anyone else sometimes feel this way? And how do you deal with it? 

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  • I have only just seen this (been off the forum a lot lately).  I'm sorry you feel this way.  Do you still feel like this?  I don't think you're a failure.  You seem to support people a lot on this forum, which must count for something!

    The feelings you describe are very familiar to me, particularly at work.  I only work two days a week, but I still feel like I mess up a lot of things there.  I can't tell how much is e.g. my executive function issues and social interaction issues and how much my own incompetence.  On bad days, I blame myself a lot and come home feeling a failure, thinking of people I was at school or university with who have gone on to better things.

    Some days I think just getting through the day is an achievement and should be celebrated as such.  I'm also trying to focus on my other achievements, even if they're not things I've been paid for or which society sees as important.

    I also think it is important not to compare our insides with other people's outsides, as the saying goes.  I've been a mental health blogger for years and "met" many people struggling with issues, sometimes autism and neurological issues, sometimes mental health issues.  Many of them are putting up a brave face in public and on social media, but admitting to real struggles, self-doubt, depression, anxiety, etc. on anonymous blogs.  Then there are people whose relationships are secretly falling apart and so on.  We can't tell what other people are really feeling and experiencing and it's counter-productive to try to compare ourselves.  We need to find things about ourselves that we can take pride in, not necessarily what society/the media considers successful, but things that matter to us and make us feel worthwhile.  I am extremely bad at following this advice though!

  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    I'd not actually heard that saying but, as Kate also says, it's hugely helpful.

    Luftmentsch said:
    it is important not to compare our insides with other people's outsides, as the saying goes.

    I really need to remind myself of this more often. 

    And the other thing I still need to remind myself of (and maybe others will too?) is that often, what I perceive as failure, is me, having been saturated with outsiders views and priorities, ineffectively faking it as a neurotypical.  I can fake it for a while, no doubt, but ultimately I will fail.  I get "shaken out" for one reason or another.  What I'm really good at though, is being the neurodivergent person I was always supposed to be (before the world, peer groups, educators and employers got to me with their version of how things ought to be) and I need to free the real Jenny up from all the crud that's built up over the years.  

    Authentic autistic living, however we define it.  I bet we'll be good at that!  

  • in reply to Jenny Butterfly

    I love this Jenny - so true. We can only truly thrive if we are true to ourselves. Totally agree :)

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