Feeling like a failure

I’ve had a difficult few months and recently I’ve felt like such a failure. I’ve been thinking about my life and all the struggles I’ve had just to cope with normal life - stuff that so many other people seem to breeze through and cope really well with - and I’ve just had this awful overwhelming feeling today of feeling like such a failure. I know now that much of my struggle with day to day life is due to me being autistic (and also my childhood with parents who were very flawed and emotionally distant) and most of the time I try to be positive. But these last couple of weeks I’ve found myself experiencing a lot of self hatred and feeling like such a failure.

I realise this sounds like self pity - and maybe it is! I don’t want to be thinking like this and I know it’s self destructive. 
But how do other autistic people come to terms with the fact that they’ve spent their lives struggling so much with day to day life, and living with a lot of anxiety etc? When I was younger I think I felt better about myself - I enjoyed being different and unique. But now I find myself looking at other people who have had more conventionally ‘successful’ lives and friendships and feeling like a failure in comparison. I think being autistic has made life very difficult for me. 

How do other people come to terms with being accepting of these sorts of thoughts and feelings? And how do you keep positive about the way being autistic has impacted on your ability to really engage with life and achieve things? 

I want to be more positive but am struggling today. Does anyone else sometimes feel this way? And how do you deal with it? 

Parents
  • I have only just seen this (been off the forum a lot lately).  I'm sorry you feel this way.  Do you still feel like this?  I don't think you're a failure.  You seem to support people a lot on this forum, which must count for something!

    The feelings you describe are very familiar to me, particularly at work.  I only work two days a week, but I still feel like I mess up a lot of things there.  I can't tell how much is e.g. my executive function issues and social interaction issues and how much my own incompetence.  On bad days, I blame myself a lot and come home feeling a failure, thinking of people I was at school or university with who have gone on to better things.

    Some days I think just getting through the day is an achievement and should be celebrated as such.  I'm also trying to focus on my other achievements, even if they're not things I've been paid for or which society sees as important.

    I also think it is important not to compare our insides with other people's outsides, as the saying goes.  I've been a mental health blogger for years and "met" many people struggling with issues, sometimes autism and neurological issues, sometimes mental health issues.  Many of them are putting up a brave face in public and on social media, but admitting to real struggles, self-doubt, depression, anxiety, etc. on anonymous blogs.  Then there are people whose relationships are secretly falling apart and so on.  We can't tell what other people are really feeling and experiencing and it's counter-productive to try to compare ourselves.  We need to find things about ourselves that we can take pride in, not necessarily what society/the media considers successful, but things that matter to us and make us feel worthwhile.  I am extremely bad at following this advice though!

  • Thank you - this is really helpful. I like your advice: ‘it’s important not to compare our insides with other peoples outsides’ - that’s such a great way to express that. I’m sure your right. Even at my worst if someone passed me walking down the street they probably would realise anything was wrong (although I probably look exhausted and tired - but not much more than that). 
    I'm sorry that you also sometimes blame yourself and feel like a failure. We autistic people are too hard on ourselves - I see it in my own family and also on here. We have to try so hard all the time, I think that’s very tiring and when we’re tired our spirits get low. Before we know it we have very little resilience, and on it goes. 
    I saw a quote yesterday that said ‘Find what you love and go there’. I think one of the strengths autistic people have is that when we love something we REALLY love it - and in my experience this is what often keeps us alive (both emotionally and literally). 

    In recent months I’ve so often felt what you describe: just getting through the day is an achievement. Same for my son - just keeping going is an achievement. But sometimes it’s hard to feel good about an achievement like THAT - even though it definitely is a huge achievement sometimes. 
    I feel autistic people are being let down in society. I think that school - and the fact that is not a very harmonious environment for us - sets up all sorts of issues for us long term that can take years to unravel and heal from. 
    I feel my son needs therapy BECAUSE of school - not because of some inherent failing use to being autistic. School can be a truly hostile environment for many children (and not just autistic children) - it covers most of our most formative years and it can take years to recover from all the unpleasant lessons we learn from not being able to be happy in all that noise and with all those people. I feel my son has scars from that. And when you LEAVE - it’s just another heap of things that can often feel just as hostile. 

    I feel I’m being hugely negative - I’m sorry! 
    I genuinely believe that autistic people can have wonderful, happy, fulfilled lives - if they can live the kind of lives they want to. A big part of that as an adult is finding a job you love (or at least like!). Having enough money that your not constantly worrying about money. Having at least one or two people (preferably more)  in your life that you love and trust. Having interests or hobbies that you are passionate about and get joy from (it’s doesn’t matter what they are). Being kind to ourselves and forgiving ourselves for the fact that sometimes the simplest things are very difficult for us. Not comparing ourselves to others - as you pointed out so brilliantly in your reply. 

    It really can be ok. 
    It’s great that you’ve helped so many people with your blog. I’ve realised from coming on here that autistic people communicating with each other online is a wonderfully positive and encouraging thing. I wish I’d realised that much sooner. I realise now that I’m part of a tribe - and didn’t realise it.  It’s an excellent tribe too - full of interesting, courageous, caring and imaginative people who show huge amounts of initiative in trying to find solutions to the many problems they face. Pretty damn amazing. 


    You write : ‘I’m extremely bad at following this advice though!’ - yes! I know all about the positives and much about how I SHOULD be approaching this - but I still feel pretty dreadful a lot of the time! It’s easier said than done isn’t it?!

    But everyone on here helps - so much - with their kindness, understanding and support. It makes such a difference.  

  • I agree about trying to follow what you love, and that autistic people do really love the things we love.  I’m trying to do that more in my life, but it’s not easy.  Hopefully I will get there eventually.  I don’t have a job I love (actually it’s boring and occasionally difficult from an autistic and socially anxious point of view), but my boss is understanding so it mostly doesn’t feel too pressured, even if I feel I’m struggling a lot of the time.  I’m trying to build a second career as a writer and proof-reader alongside it (as I mentioned, I only work part-time), which would hopefully increase my income while allowing me to work from home.  Writing would potentially be a job which is also a hobby.  And my fiancée and I hope to get married next year, immigration bureaucracy-permitting, which I think will make my life a lot better (I currently live with my parents, which is not ideal at thirty-eight!).  I hope  you and your son find a way to make your lives work better too.

  • I hope it goes really well for you both - you must be so excited about it all! It’s great to have something wonderful like that to look forward to Sun with face

  • Thanks!  Yes, I plan to keep my part-time job even if I build a writing career so that I have a steady income.

    My fiancee is currently in the USA.  We're just beginning to engage with the immigration bureaucracy...

  • The need to make money so often gets in the way of people doing what they love. I hope you’re able to continue with your writing and find ways to make it a career. My husband is a writer - but doesn’t make money from it. He also has a ‘regular’ paid job - and this means he doesn’t have as much time as he’d like for creative projects.

    Congratulations on your engagement - how exciting that you’re getting married next year - I’m really happy for you!

    lots of people live with their parents for longer now - especially with rents etc being so high. I’m sure it’ll be wonderful though when you and your partner get a place together :) 

    What country is she moving from? I hope the process goes smoothly for her when the time comes. My eldest is living abroad at the moment with his girlfriend and getting the paperwork to enable him to work there has been a nightmare. 

    sending you all my best wishes and thanks for your very kind and supportive words :) 

Reply
  • The need to make money so often gets in the way of people doing what they love. I hope you’re able to continue with your writing and find ways to make it a career. My husband is a writer - but doesn’t make money from it. He also has a ‘regular’ paid job - and this means he doesn’t have as much time as he’d like for creative projects.

    Congratulations on your engagement - how exciting that you’re getting married next year - I’m really happy for you!

    lots of people live with their parents for longer now - especially with rents etc being so high. I’m sure it’ll be wonderful though when you and your partner get a place together :) 

    What country is she moving from? I hope the process goes smoothly for her when the time comes. My eldest is living abroad at the moment with his girlfriend and getting the paperwork to enable him to work there has been a nightmare. 

    sending you all my best wishes and thanks for your very kind and supportive words :) 

Children
  • I hope it goes really well for you both - you must be so excited about it all! It’s great to have something wonderful like that to look forward to Sun with face

  • Thanks!  Yes, I plan to keep my part-time job even if I build a writing career so that I have a steady income.

    My fiancee is currently in the USA.  We're just beginning to engage with the immigration bureaucracy...