Being Quiet

AnnieH said:

that is just a hangover from my experiences

each of us have been there and at first found it hard to open up here

but anonymity helps I reckon 

there is another as well

speech is silver, silence is gold

my solution when dealing with strangers is to avoid chit-chat and go striaght to talking about something meaningful, it requires some probing at first, but maybe you'll be lucky and find something incommon

Social anxiety is so crippling and can affect your whole life, it's awful. I can't even remember a start point for it or a particular bad experience that triggered it in my case as I have had it all my life.

I really sympathise with your son, it must be really frustrating for him especially if it means he's currently not able to study. That must be really distressing for him.

I can relate to what you say about not wanting to speak because of attracting attention. It's a terrible fear of a spotlight suddenly being turned on and everyone looking at you. Makes me shudder just thinking about it!

I've always done my utmost to merge into the background, silence being a form of camouflage. I always joke if I could have a superpower it would be invisibility.

I can't offer any real advice on conquering it, as I'm still working on it after 52 years. I imagine that having autism makes that much more difficult for him because of the awareness of already being or feeling innately different.

Over the years I have made progress, and I went to University and got a Degree even though the social aspects of it were extremely tough. I have a job where I interact with the public and have learned to 'assume' a persona along with my uniform (a bit like a performance) so there is some hope! 

But yes, it's good to know there are others that understand. 

So much of what’s said in this thread is so similar to the conversations I have with my son about his social anxiety (we are both autistic). I so relate to what you are saying! I’ve learnt to mask throughout my life but my son’s  social anxiety is really severe and he’s currently unable to go to college because of it (he also has selective mutism which in some ways is an extreme form of social anxiety). I think when he started school he was so afraid to say the wrong thing that he didn’t say anything at all - and then got ‘stuck’ in being a silent person, realising that if he then DID speak that he’d get loads of attention - which was what most scared him. This was over 15 years ago and he’s never been able to speak to people in school/college. 

it’s so comforting to speak to people who understand. We’ve felt so alone over the years struggling with these challenges. Thank you for sharing your experiences. 

The things you talk about do seem like they are related to autistic experience, but take time to process all of this new knowledge and information.

AnnieH said:

I'm not even sure what the 'right thing' is but I am often guilty of just agreeing with a general consensus rather than offering up a stand alone opinion. Fitting in, I suppose.

I think a lot of people do this, it takes significant confidence to share your own opinion within a group. This must be even more difficult for you because of your social anxiety.

I have a bit of both. Recently learning about autistic inertia really shed some light in that for me. I could go for days at a time without the impulse to speak to anyone, just think (or think aloud) in solitude. In groups, too, I tend to be quiet, shy, socially anxious. One on one conversations, once I get going - I can be a runaway train. And I'm not always good at keeping things light and surface - not massively seeing the point of *too much*  of that. Throwing the lever back the other way to find an appropriate point of closure to the conversation can become an elusive moment, and as I barrel along, being way more circumlocutionary and over-sharing than I'd like, I have this rising sense of panic that the other person's being held hostage (even if they seem OK) and that I'm going to have to self-deprecatingly verbally acknowledge my awareness of the situation (technically cheating, in societal etiquette terms I suppose) to begin to slow the momentum and find a mutually agreeable exit strategy from the whole thing. I'm better than I used to be at it (actually on bad days that's not true), I suppose it's just about doing your best. 

I've been 'guilty' of that one too a lot. These days, I'm increasingly inclined to say 'I don't know' in contexts where one is societally expected to hold a strong opinion and hold forth on it. It can be empowering to realise that not feeling sufficiently well-versed in all the nuances required to really pronounce on stuff is something liberating, not shameful, and leave it to those who *feel* that they are to get on with it. 

AnnieH said:

am often guilty of just agreeing with a general consensus rather than offering up a stand alone opinion

Yes for me it's that I need time to digest everything before I make my mind up and also can quite often see both sides of the story so end up agreeing with both.

 Also think often people will have different opinions on the same thing, depending on who they are with because it's all about how one is perceived socially. I'm talking about some people I know who you would class as "loud".

I had that at school too, back in the Nineties. In one of my my A-level English classes (we had two for some reason) the young teacher seemed to resent my being quiet (I still listened attentively and politely and got the courseworks in on time) to the point where she would make me speak when I didn't want to. She told my parents at a teacher-parent night that it amused her to unsettle me from my comfort zone and see how long it took me to go red. They rightly pulled her up on this - why was that a priority for her if I was doing OK? 

My other English teacher - an older lady, and much nicer - totally different story. She met me on my own terms, could see as was introverted but saw it as no problem, gave me excellent marks and feedbacks in essays, etc. I suppose she was more experienced, wiser. But I looked forward to her class, dreaded the other. my favourite subject in both scenarios and yet it was polar opposites. 

The younger teacher didn't stay long in the profession, maybe she sensed it wasn't for her and it was making her vindictive. She went on to join Riverdance as a professional dancer I heard later. That's neither here nor there, I'm drifting. 

Anyway, I understand exactly how that goes with someone's well meaning but unconsciously judgemental comment leaving you in a disguised mental spiral and feeling like you lost the good of the experience as a result. Wish I had some helpful advice to offer, my empathy (for what it's worth) will have to do instead. A small number of good friends could make a huge difference to you, so please don't give up and I hope finding the right circle helps you get the right equilibrium of decreased loneliness but an increased resilience to the unfortunately inevitably triggering things that less sensitively attuned, if well-meaning, people can say. Or rather, that you find people who are senstitive enough to do that less often, because they more or less get you and accept you on your own terms. 

I'm not even sure what the 'right thing' is but I am often guilty of just agreeing with a general consensus rather than offering up a stand alone opinion. Fitting in, I suppose.

Maybe the 'right thing' in that context is working out what that is within a conversation before I speak and not elaborating too much in case I trip myself up?

I'm still quite new to the thought I might be on the spectrum so maybe there's a mixture of things going on in my head not all autism related, if at all. 

You are very welcome.

AnnieH said:

Or that my difficulties with conversation come from the need for increased thinking time to make sure what I say is the 'right' thing and so I keep it short and to the point. 

I think I understand what you mean, we do need more processing time in conversation. What do you mean about saying the ‘right’ thing?

AnnieH said:

As out_of_step says, I wonder how much my preference for being quiet could be related to ASD as I sometimes feel that staying mute is 'safer' than saying something 'odd' or 'quirky' when I don't really know what to say and that this has become my default.

Yes I understand, the complexities and expectations of neurotypical social interaction are quite confusing at times. Sometimes it is easier to be an observer. It seems like you are masking when you say that being mute is ‘safer.’

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply it's really helped reading other people's thoughts and experiences. Everyone on this forum has been very kind and accepting. It's taking me a while to engage and open up fully on here after a lifetime of suppressing and hiding the innermost parts of myself that might 'mark' me as different.

As out_of_step says, I wonder how much my preference for being quiet could be related to ASD as I sometimes feel that staying mute is 'safer' than saying something 'odd' or 'quirky' when I don't really know what to say and that this has become my default.

Or that my difficulties with conversation come from the need for increased thinking time to make sure what I say is the 'right' thing and so I keep it short and to the point. 

Even after posting this thread I spent several hours after wishing I hadn't because it feels like I am exposing myself too much. But I realise that is just a hangover from my experiences in real life and certainly not a feature on this forum.

AnnieH said:

In society it seems being quiet is a 'bad thing' in many situations

Hello, I think I understand how you feel, people frequently comment about how quiet I am. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with being quiet, quiet people are usually quite deep thinkers. 

AnnieH said:

It's taken a LOT of mental effort to do this and to push through my social anxiety. Conversing with strangers about nothing in particular has been excruciatingly awkward but I've managed it without having a meltdown during or afterwards which I am pleased about...but this week was a bit different.

Well done for joining the walking group, this is an achievement for you. I know this might be difficult if other people don’t understand or validate it, but recognise this achievement and be proud of yourself.

If people don’t realise the effort and energy it takes for you to overcome your anxiety and engage in conversation, then they don’t value you for who you are.

Society has ingrained expectations of how people  should behave but everyone thinks differently and should be accepted for who they are.

AnnieH said:

No one can see the Herculean effort it has taken to appear 'normal'. I feel as if being 'me' is not acceptable because; 

This must be really upsetting, I hope you feel valued on this forum. There are no expectations of how you should ‘be’, just be your amazing authentic autistic self.

I hope this helps, we are here for you on this forum and accept you as you are.

I also think autistic factors could influence as coming across as quiet.

e.g. at some point I realised I didn't elaborate much when people would ask me something. It might have been a case of taking the question literally. (e.g. "hows work?" "Its fine." - I've learned this is a conversation starter, not an actual question).

Also im not very good at picking up on inference when people want me to expand on whats been said. There's also the matter of response and expression in a conversation too. I have learned what's expected of me now as an adult, mask my way through some and have realised I often need to take an extra mental leap to deal with it. There's also the sensory aspect of being around groups of people or in a busy place. This adds extra processing which can eat into social interaction computing resulting in talking less.

I think these elements can also account for quietness, it doesn't just have to be natural shyness.

I like this quote. Excellent.

My aunt was saying, that I was "small talker", because my talk was small. Coincidentally, that is also a pun on small-talk.

I think, that the issue here is how do you feel about not talking much and should you really talk more? Sometimes I just like to listen what people are telling instead of talking by myself, so I would just turn that question around, as that is not really about me not talking, but controlling environment, so I can feel comfortable and let others be comfortable - by letting them to talk.

Maybe, the Mr Bean character is very expressive even though he doesn’t use speech. Rowan Atkinson had a stammer, so maybe the character was based off the fact that he could express himself more freely without speech.

Yes.

I relied on copying others, plus finding out what people expected and were comfortable with.