I've always been quiet and would describe myself as very introverted. As a child my school reports all highlighted this as a negative thing; "too quiet" or "needs to talk more in class". I was often mute in certain situations. In day to day life I can talk fine when I need to but it is usually just to get a fact across to someone or to talk about something that interests me. I don't embellish things. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to talk for the sake of talking. It's just how I am and that's fine.
But.
In society it seems being quiet is a 'bad thing' in many situations. In particular it becomes a real obstacle to building friendships in real life. I have had two good friends in my life (a school friend many years ago, and currently my husband) and my lack of social chit chat never bothered either of them). Recently I joined a local walking group in the hope I might meet one or two like minded people to connect with as I am frequently lonely these days.
It's taken a LOT of mental effort to do this and to push through my social anxiety. Conversing with strangers about nothing in particular has been excruciatingly awkward but I've managed it without having a meltdown during or afterwards which I am pleased about...but this week was a bit different.
One of the walk leaders turned to me at the start of the walk and said 'you're a bit quiet there come and talk to me'. She was trying to be nice but it flipped a switch in my head and threw me off. I felt like a child again being told off for being me. I spent most of the rest of the walk trying not to show how upset I felt and two days later it's still affecting me.
It's upset me because I have been trying so hard to do all the things that I don't find easy and it feels as if it's still not enough. No one can see the Herculean effort it has taken to appear 'normal'. I feel as if being 'me' is not acceptable because;
-It makes other people uncomfortable
-Other people think I'm not happy as I am
-If you don't fill a void with pointless chit chat there's something wrong with you
-Being quiet is a character flaw that I need to be coaxed out of.
It's made me want to withdraw from the world again. I wish I could be content without friends but it's annoyingly important to me.
