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Being Quiet

AnnieH

I've always been  quiet and would describe myself as very introverted. As a child my school reports all highlighted this as a negative thing; "too quiet" or "needs to talk more in class". I was often mute in certain situations. In day to day life I can talk fine when I need to but it is usually just to get a fact across to someone or to talk about something that interests me. I don't embellish things. I don't have the energy or enthusiasm to talk for the sake of talking. It's just how I am and that's fine.

But.

In society it seems being quiet is a 'bad thing' in many situations. In particular it becomes a real obstacle to building friendships in real life. I have had two good friends in my life (a school friend many years ago, and currently my husband) and my lack of social chit chat never bothered either of them). Recently I joined a local walking group in the hope I might meet one or two like minded people to connect with as I am frequently lonely these days.

It's taken a LOT of mental effort to do this and to push through my social anxiety. Conversing with strangers about nothing in particular has been excruciatingly awkward but I've managed it without having a meltdown during or afterwards which I am pleased about...but this week was a bit different.

One of the walk leaders turned to me at the start of the walk and said 'you're a bit quiet there come and talk to me'. She was trying to be nice but it flipped a switch in my head and threw me off. I felt like a child again being told off for being me. I spent most of the rest of the walk trying not to show how upset I felt and two days later it's still affecting me.

It's upset me because I have been trying so hard to do all the things that I don't find easy and it feels as if it's still not enough. No one can see the Herculean effort it has taken to appear 'normal'. I feel as if being 'me' is not acceptable because; 

-It makes other people uncomfortable

-Other people think I'm not happy as I am

-If you don't fill a void with pointless chit chat there's something wrong with you

-Being quiet is a character flaw that I need to be coaxed out of.

It's made me want to withdraw from the world again. I wish I could be content without friends but it's annoyingly important to me.

Parents

  • Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply it's really helped reading other people's thoughts and experiences. Everyone on this forum has been very kind and accepting. It's taking me a while to engage and open up fully on here after a lifetime of suppressing and hiding the innermost parts of myself that might 'mark' me as different.

    As out_of_step says, I wonder how much my preference for being quiet could be related to ASD as I sometimes feel that staying mute is 'safer' than saying something 'odd' or 'quirky' when I don't really know what to say and that this has become my default.

    Or that my difficulties with conversation come from the need for increased thinking time to make sure what I say is the 'right' thing and so I keep it short and to the point. 

    Even after posting this thread I spent several hours after wishing I hadn't because it feels like I am exposing myself too much. But I realise that is just a hangover from my experiences in real life and certainly not a feature on this forum.

  • in reply to AnnieH

    So much of what’s said in this thread is so similar to the conversations I have with my son about his social anxiety (we are both autistic). I so relate to what you are saying! I’ve learnt to mask throughout my life but my son’s  social anxiety is really severe and he’s currently unable to go to college because of it (he also has selective mutism which in some ways is an extreme form of social anxiety). I think when he started school he was so afraid to say the wrong thing that he didn’t say anything at all - and then got ‘stuck’ in being a silent person, realising that if he then DID speak that he’d get loads of attention - which was what most scared him. This was over 15 years ago and he’s never been able to speak to people in school/college. 

    it’s so comforting to speak to people who understand. We’ve felt so alone over the years struggling with these challenges. Thank you for sharing your experiences. 

Reply
  • in reply to AnnieH

    So much of what’s said in this thread is so similar to the conversations I have with my son about his social anxiety (we are both autistic). I so relate to what you are saying! I’ve learnt to mask throughout my life but my son’s  social anxiety is really severe and he’s currently unable to go to college because of it (he also has selective mutism which in some ways is an extreme form of social anxiety). I think when he started school he was so afraid to say the wrong thing that he didn’t say anything at all - and then got ‘stuck’ in being a silent person, realising that if he then DID speak that he’d get loads of attention - which was what most scared him. This was over 15 years ago and he’s never been able to speak to people in school/college. 

    it’s so comforting to speak to people who understand. We’ve felt so alone over the years struggling with these challenges. Thank you for sharing your experiences. 

Children
  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Social anxiety is so crippling and can affect your whole life, it's awful. I can't even remember a start point for it or a particular bad experience that triggered it in my case as I have had it all my life.

    I really sympathise with your son, it must be really frustrating for him especially if it means he's currently not able to study. That must be really distressing for him.

    I can relate to what you say about not wanting to speak because of attracting attention. It's a terrible fear of a spotlight suddenly being turned on and everyone looking at you. Makes me shudder just thinking about it!

    I've always done my utmost to merge into the background, silence being a form of camouflage. I always joke if I could have a superpower it would be invisibility.

    I can't offer any real advice on conquering it, as I'm still working on it after 52 years. I imagine that having autism makes that much more difficult for him because of the awareness of already being or feeling innately different.

    Over the years I have made progress, and I went to University and got a Degree even though the social aspects of it were extremely tough. I have a job where I interact with the public and have learned to 'assume' a persona along with my uniform (a bit like a performance) so there is some hope! 

    But yes, it's good to know there are others that understand.